Right now Im not bothered if I live or die.
Roll on pay day, straight into the bar, bang on 9am.
Hope all okay?
My mother is a vindictve controlling, I will never see her again.
Sorry, but I'm really not coping well.
Every little bit of my rotten life is getting worse and worse.
Amyway, I hope all is as best as can be for you all
Hope your not post because of your posts.
I cannot compete with Colin Smith, and the bully at the same time at the harbour. Plus another one who was there at the time of the Man city winning league cup.
I can't escape them, and I know I should stand up to them, but I have tried so hard to be with my mum, but even after the warning I gave her, she still tries to control me.
As to the guy in the harbour, he is exactly like my father, either do it my way, or I willbe nasty to you. Usually with the two or three cronies he calls friends.
I snapped with the harbour guy, as he said, even with my new engine, your not going out in that, and get your mooring in, and I suggest to you leave your engine inside the boat, he suggested. I had already decided to do that, but even if I tried to say it or do it after you say it. He says ar you did what I suggested.
This is exactly how my father was, do it my way, and up to my standards, or I will attack you. Usually by grabbing my balls and penis, up against my face, screaming at me. He didn't hurt me, and later he would tell people I'm gay that he worked with, and they had kids at school so they all called me gay.
I'm exhausted mentally and physically. I don't want to go the harbour in this state in case of him verbally abusing me again (its just not me, he does it to all but three or four people that hang out with him.
What I'm scared of is him hitting the right spots to trigger a PTS epsiode, and I would lash out unknowingly.
i don't know what to do anymore.
Sorry to hear things aren't going well at the moment. As TST says, stick with On Trak and counselling and things will get better time, and hopefully they will help you find a way of coping with these feelings, avoiding the triggers that are causing you to drink and keeping things under control. We'll be thinking of you, all the best.
sinbad113 wrote (see)
Hi All, Sorry, but I'm really not coping well. Every little bit of my rotten life is getting worse and worse. Amyway, I hope all is as best as can be for you all
Sinbad, why not give A.A. a shot? Most folk go to A.A. as the 2nd to last resort prior to suicide and going from my own experience, I often had suicidal thoughts; or at least when I regained consciousness after a heavy night, I wish I hadn't.
Counselling and triggers meant nothing to me; being conscious was a trigger for drinking and the only way I could avoid that was by drinking enough. Understanding why I drank the way I did was useless too - it was the way I felt when sober that drove me drink; I really didn't have much of a choice in the matter. Self knowledge didn't keep me sober.
A.A. isn't about standing up and telling everyone what an idiot we've been; that's rubbish; but often we're the place of last resort - you can just tip up and drink the coffee - you don't have to do or say anything.
Ga'arn, be a devil and give it a shot; it may change your life.
Regards; stay safe,
Sinbad I really, really think you need to get some help as soon as possible. It's actually really scary what you're posting and I'm quite worried about you. Can you find an AA group near you to go to? I feel it really is worth a try and you could continue with On Trak too. But I really think you also need some serious professional help above the On Trak/AA help, are you able to go back to your doctor and explain what is going on and tell them you need help? If you don't feel able to talk to them can you take your table and show them the last couple of pages so they understand. Please find someone to help you with all this.
Good advice, Two-Stroke!
Agree with the others sinbad, you need to get some help as soon as you can.
I've been lurking too and haven't posted as I didn't know how to support/respond to Sinbad's posts - please listen to the others' advice Sinbad and get some help
I wont post again. Take care and good luck to u all
Sinbad, what is the matter?
We are encouraging you to post and trying to help because we are worried about your health and welfare. We aren't saying we don't want you to post. People want to help, but don't know how, and it's difficult on a forum to give specific help which is why we are advising you get proper professional help. It's also very worrying for you to say you won't post again as I, for one, am now more worried about you.
I hear you TST. I haven't realised I had gone that deep with my posts. I have been trying to follow all of your leads on how deep to go.
It gets really hard for me to what to tell people and what not to tell people.
When meeting people and trying to make friends I get terrified on what gto tell people, as I try to build up with people, slowly. It just ends up the same, as we all learn to trust people the longer you know them, but when I tell people they can't handle what I have told them, as in here.
I have tried really hard to be supportive for all of you in here, and want to be here for you all.
EDI I hear you, about it being the sobering up time being one of the worst times, I think thats what happenning here.
Trigger2 sorry for making you feel that uncomfortable.
There is something called Pathways in South Yorkshire, my cpn is going to chat with me about it on Monday, but again there is a volunteer there that used to be a nieghbour there. But I will chat to my cpn about that to. I'm not trying to put obstacles in the way, I just don't want to build my hopes up again.
With regards to the abuse (hope not too deep again). I'm seeing a specialist councillor at some stage soon I hope. So I am trying.
There is a 24 hour cpn helpline people can use that I could have asked for help, but I honestly didn't realise how ill I have/had become. So hopefully, I can try again to keep it at a level that you can cope with, and the level that you all post about.
EDI about AA, I'm worried about having too many things going on to go to AA. But it is an option that I will always keep in the front of my mind.
AgainI'm sorry for going to deep. I just didn't realise just how my mental health has detriorated.
Hi everyone - I've not been on for a while and I hope things are OK for everyone. My current status can be easily summarised: Life is quite good but no running and too much drinking.
sinbad - I've just had a quick look back at your recent posts and I'm sorry things have been so tough for you.
I've worked in the field of community mental health for some time and know that PTS and BPD are two conditions that are a long way from being understood and that support and treatment is still being developed. I've known people for whom EMDR has worked effectively in enabling living with PTS and others for whom DBT has very helpful to manage some of symptoms of BPD. I'm sure these are options that the professionals who have supported you have suggested but if not, it might be worth asking your GP about them. You always appear to me to have an intelligent insight into your own life and difficulties and that would be a good starting point for these kind of interventions.
I haven't seen anyone who has suggested that you shouldn't post, or that you change the nature of what you post. We've all got our difficulties and there has always been an openness and supportive spirit here and I think you've both benefitted and contributed to it; I think we all welcome that from each other.
I guess all I would add is try not to mistake concern that people show for you for a message that you are not welcome as that is definitely not the case. I think in any community people will react differently to someone in distress - some will simply not want to comment for fear of saying the wrong thing or making things worse but this often comes from a place of compassion, rather than because people don't care.
After some of your life experiences, I'm sure there will always be challenges but you seem resilient. Others have advised that you seek professional help so I won't add to that, other than to say I agree. However, alongside that, do the things that make you feel freer, like the sailing and runnning...and keep letting us know how it's all going.
I hope everyone else is OK and enjoying the weekend.
How's it going, Sinbad?
I recently celebrated a four year 'no drinking' aniversary; we call 'em sobriety birthdays in A.A.. I was given a card, cake, and a four-year-medallion and told how wonderful I was!
I don't like 'special attention', but it was still nice. My old drinking self, even though it wasn't that long ago, seems like it was someone else. It's lovely to have that monkey off my back; the one that made me drink, spent all my money; caused me all kinds of trouble.
Last Friday, Mrs EDI and myself headed out for a day in the mountains reccying a fell race. Running about the mountains gave me a real sense of freedom (no doubt you experience that while sailing); but freedom from alcohol - from feeling like we're forced to drink is a gift too. You know, back when I was drinking, even when I wasn't drinking, I was thinking about drinking - planning how to get stuff done so I could start; it's lovely not to be like that anymore. Freedom eh?
And four-years-ago I was 39 years old, but felt more like 79 years old. Walking to the off-license used to tire me; so running fell races was in the realm of fantasy land for me. I'm always near the back of 'em mind; but working on moving up the pack.
Don't give up hope, Sinbad, lose hope and we lose everything. I've seen some really chronic miserable alkies, close to death, stop drinking, get their lives back together, get happy and live sober; it's like a real death and resurrection of the human spirit; it's magical to watch and be a part of. I'm actually pleased to be a sober alkie these days; I wouldn't change a thing. I've learnt so much about life through my alcoholism that I view it as a kind of gift. Weird huh? There's plenty like me out there who feel the same about their ex-drinking problem.
I can identify with your posts; you sound like how I used to be; and if I can do it - one day at a time - you can too, mate. This might be a bit strange, but if you ever want to chat, send me a message and I'll give you my phone number; I'm just a daft Geordie.
Take care 'n' stay safe,
Some sound advice there Sinbad. Nothing changes, if nothing changes.
You do not have to just walk into an AA meeting. Give the helpline a ring, and just start a conversation. I can't stop drinking is usually quite a popular opening sentence.
hope to... I hear you.
I have found an AA in Huddersfield. As you say its a question of making that call.
I'm ok now all.
The tthree major issues that pushed me to binge drinking this time, has been. The German boat owner in Scarborough, he's identical character to my dad. The guy who I had been paying before he did the work, never again, and. My mother, I have tried so hard to be with her, but I just can't cope with her attitudes towards me, mainly controlling me. She knows just how to push the right the buttons so I snap. I told her no calls or contact for instance, and as soon as my brother sees her, he's texting me, even though I told her to bin anything I left.
I will do all I can not to put any of you under pressure here. To the extent that I will just stick to how much I drink, and what runs I have done.
I'm not sure if its because your all busy by not posting, or myself going too deep, for no posts?
I have not been on a run today, I hope to do one Monday through to at least Wednesday, but also no beer.
Hope you are all okay? I feel that none of you may not want to know thats okay t, I understand.
Glad that people have been able to post to help you Sinbad. I'm lucky in that I recognised I was drinking too frequently before it really became a problem and I'm grateful for that.
Haven't been able to run this weekend - nursing a stinking head cold on the one weekend that the sun has decided to shine!
Only 2 weeks to a 10k so I'd better get my sorry ar*e out there next week for sure.
Hope you're all enjoying the sunshine
At the end of the day alcohol is but a sympton of a problem. Using alcohol is basically self medicating. Take the booze away, and the problems are still there unless you do something to resolve things.
No one can make that call for you. The person who will answer will be a recovering alcoholic, who just like you had to have the courage to pick up the phone and ask for help. Honestly, that is the hardest bit, from then on in, the help is all there, you just have to be willing to take it. Your life could improve, you may make friends, you will longer feel alone. Sounds a no brainer to me.
Check out this forum too:
I missed Apparitions and read EDI, and triiger and hope to posts.
I must admit, I'm having a little cry.
I've never had support like this apart from the mental health services like it.
I'm skint till Wednesday, but I will go for the blood tests on Wednesday, and I have already decided to take the medication even before knowing the side effects, I'm tired and had enough of being on this merry go round, I want to get off permanently.
I hope you get up onto those mountain and get running up there.
The boat is the lifesaver for me, but I'm just worried about going into that PTS mode. I'm determined to go on the 24th July no matter what, but if I have the cash, I will try and get their erliar.
I will ask about the EDMI when I speak to my key worker next week Apparition.
TST is so right, when you binge drink, inbetween times when you try to stay sober. You see yourself drunkenly telling total strangers, and aquaintences just what made you get in that state.
Once again thankyou for putting up with me. I hope that I do give supporting support sometimes?
EDI I'm impressed with the four year sober, hope I can get to that stage soon.
I love running to, as well as the boat. I get what your saying EDI.
My Garmin is fully charged, and ready for that run in the morning.
I hope you get out for that run asap trigger2.
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