!! New Joke Thread !!

Its about time we had a new joke thread, put yours up.....

21 to 40 of 43 messages
13/08/2012 at 18:09

Three race horses stood in their stalls.
One said to other others: "I ran 20 races and I won 15 of them!" he bragged.
The next said with a snort, "Well, I ran 30 races and won 25 of them!"

Then the third horse spoke up proudly, "Yeah, I ran 41 races and won 39 of them!"

This seemed to settle the topic when the horses noticed a Greyhound outside their stalls.

The Greyhound said, "I ran 100 races and I won 99 of them."

The horses looked at each other in amazement and One gasped, "Wow! A talking greyhound!"

13/08/2012 at 18:26

The police found our local ice cream man dead the other day. He was lying on the floor of his van, covered in chocolate and raspberry sauce.

Detectives think he topped himself.

(Well don't blame me, there was a request in for more police jokes)

Edited: 13/08/2012 at 18:27
13/08/2012 at 19:04

How much did it cost the pirate to get his ears pierced?

A buck an ear!

13/08/2012 at 21:59
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became 
confused as to where he was on the course. 

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. 

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what 
hole he was playing. 

'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you 
must be on the 6th hole.' 

He thanked her and went back to his golf. 

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with 
the same request. 

'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 
13th hole.' 

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. 

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady 
sitting at the end of the bar. 

He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. 

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. 

He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for 
your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales 
also. What do you sell?' 

'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied. 

'No, I won't.' 

'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.' 

With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar 
stool. 

'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!' 

'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for 
Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'    
13/08/2012 at 22:05

Have you ever tried beaver curry? It's like normal curry but a little otter..

13/08/2012 at 23:46

Buzzard turned up at the airport ckeck in with a rabbit under each wing. He was shocked when told one was excess baggage and asked why. He was told only one carry on per passenger

14/08/2012 at 12:13

I like writing my eights on their sides.
It's infinitely better.

14/08/2012 at 12:19

A horse walks into a bar. The barman says, "Why the long face?"
The horse replies, "I came first in the Olympics and they gave the medal to the twat on my back."

14/08/2012 at 12:33

Every 500m I climbed down Everest, I took a photo & sent it to my everyone in my address book.
I was arrested at the bottom for sending in descent images.

14/08/2012 at 19:28

My racing snail wasn't winning many races so i thought i'd take it's shell off to make it more streamlined. It didn't help though..........if anything it made it a little more sluggish

The Silent Assassin    pirate
15/08/2012 at 08:11

The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness.
"Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?" inquired the officer.
"Mister," exclaimed the telephone lineman, "I was at the top of the pole!"

 

15/08/2012 at 09:35

Two parrots sat on a perch .....  one turns to the other ... "hmm can you smell fish?"

15/08/2012 at 19:34

What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.

Why are shites tapered? So your arse doesn't close with a bang.

A skeleton goes into a bar. Barman says 'What can I get you?' The skeleton says 'A pint of lager and a mop and bucket please.'

15/08/2012 at 19:37

Was in the garden the other day and could have sworn I heard Robin Gibb speak. Then I realised it was just the chives talkin'.

16/08/2012 at 12:28

Why has no woman ever been to the moon?

Because it doesn't need dusting.

 

 

16/08/2012 at 13:04

Olympics Peeping Tom - Declan Crosbie Admits To Spying On Chinese Swimmers In Leeds.
After his arrest Declan protested his innocence "I didn't do it for sexual gratification, I just wanted to see if they all had pixellated t**ts."

16/08/2012 at 13:07

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because a gang of hooded youths were walking towards me.

16/08/2012 at 13:10

I was woken this morning to my girlfriend sliding my boxer shorts off me.
I looked down at her between my legs and said with excitement, "But it's not my birthday until tomorrow."
"I know, but I wanted to surprise you," she smiled. "And I don't know what size boxer shorts you wear."

16/08/2012 at 13:20

I came last in the parent's three-legged race at my daughter's sports day.
I should never have sent her to Chernobyl Primary School.

16/08/2012 at 13:22

My girlfriend asked me, "If you won an all inclusive holiday for 2 in Mauritius, who would you take?"
I said, "My mate Dave."
"What about me?" she asked, staring.
I said, "No idea, I'm not a mind reader."

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