Its about time we had a new joke thread, put yours up.....
Three race horses stood in their stalls.One said to other others: "I ran 20 races and I won 15 of them!" he bragged.The next said with a snort, "Well, I ran 30 races and won 25 of them!"
Then the third horse spoke up proudly, "Yeah, I ran 41 races and won 39 of them!"
This seemed to settle the topic when the horses noticed a Greyhound outside their stalls.
The Greyhound said, "I ran 100 races and I won 99 of them."
The horses looked at each other in amazement and One gasped, "Wow! A talking greyhound!"
The police found our local ice cream man dead the other day. He was lying on the floor of his van, covered in chocolate and raspberry sauce.
Detectives think he topped himself.
(Well don't blame me, there was a request in for more police jokes)
How much did it cost the pirate to get his ears pierced?
A buck an ear!
Have you ever tried beaver curry? It's like normal curry but a little otter..
Buzzard turned up at the airport ckeck in with a rabbit under each wing. He was shocked when told one was excess baggage and asked why. He was told only one carry on per passenger
I like writing my eights on their sides.It's infinitely better.
A horse walks into a bar. The barman says, "Why the long face?"The horse replies, "I came first in the Olympics and they gave the medal to the twat on my back."
Every 500m I climbed down Everest, I took a photo & sent it to my everyone in my address book.I was arrested at the bottom for sending in descent images.
My racing snail wasn't winning many races so i thought i'd take it's shell off to make it more streamlined. It didn't help though..........if anything it made it a little more sluggish
The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness."Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?" inquired the officer."Mister," exclaimed the telephone lineman, "I was at the top of the pole!"
Two parrots sat on a perch ..... one turns to the other ... "hmm can you smell fish?"
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
Why are shites tapered? So your arse doesn't close with a bang.
A skeleton goes into a bar. Barman says 'What can I get you?' The skeleton says 'A pint of lager and a mop and bucket please.'
Was in the garden the other day and could have sworn I heard Robin Gibb speak. Then I realised it was just the chives talkin'.
Why has no woman ever been to the moon?
Because it doesn't need dusting.
Olympics Peeping Tom - Declan Crosbie Admits To Spying On Chinese Swimmers In Leeds.After his arrest Declan protested his innocence "I didn't do it for sexual gratification, I just wanted to see if they all had pixellated t**ts."
Why did the chicken cross the road?Because a gang of hooded youths were walking towards me.
I was woken this morning to my girlfriend sliding my boxer shorts off me.I looked down at her between my legs and said with excitement, "But it's not my birthday until tomorrow.""I know, but I wanted to surprise you," she smiled. "And I don't know what size boxer shorts you wear."
I came last in the parent's three-legged race at my daughter's sports day. I should never have sent her to Chernobyl Primary School.
My girlfriend asked me, "If you won an all inclusive holiday for 2 in Mauritius, who would you take?"I said, "My mate Dave.""What about me?" she asked, staring.I said, "No idea, I'm not a mind reader."
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