Its about time we had a new joke thread, put yours up.....
A man was lying in bed facing his wife, he looks into her eyes and says
"Looking at you reminds me of the lottery."
She replies "You mean i'm worth millions?"
He says "No, I wish you'd rollover!"
A Man goes to the Doctor and says "Doctor I am going deaf".
The Doctor says "what are the symptoms"
The man says "an american cartoon family from Springfield - why"
(i'll get my coat)
I had an issue with my computer because it kept bursting into song. But it's sorted now.
It's actually an Acer but it thinks it's a Dell.
So this bloke walks into a cafe. He's got a large salmon under his arm. He goes up to the waitress and says, "'scuse me love but do you serve fish cakes?"
"Yes, we do."
"Oh good, because it's his birthday today."
What do the Sixth Sense and the Titanic have in common?
I see dead people...
Whats E.T short for?
He's got little legs.
A panda walks into a restaurant and orders. He eats, then gets out a gun and shoots the waiter as he starts to go.. The manager runs out and shouts 'hey, why did you shoot my waiter?'. The panda replies 'hey, I'm a Panda....look up the definition!' The manager walks back into his office, finds a definition and reads it... 'PANDA - black and white marsupial, lives in Asia, eats shoots and leaves.'
A horse walks into a bar and the barman says 'Why the long face?'
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Nothing, the little buggers not going to come to you anyway.
I heard that the local Police station has had its toilet stolen.
The cops have nothing to go on.
The same thieves took the dogs from the kennels. The cops say they have no leads.
Our parrot got out of its cage and shagged the dog. Now we have some puppies going cheep if anyone's interested.
Why did the baker's hands smell?
Because he kneaded a poo
I was suddenly awoken with a blow job this morning.That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open
Two fat blokes sitting in the pub
One says to the other "Your round"
The other one says "So are you, you fat b@st@rd!"
A man hires a hitman call Arti to kill his wife and he only has to pay £1, Arti waits for the perfect time to kill this man's wife and when shes in a supermarket he jumps on her and strangles her to death, the supermarket manager tries intervene but the hitman strangles him as well.
The headline in the paper the next reads
"Arti Chokes 2 for a pound at Tesco"
I was sat in my local Indian restaurant, when the waiter came up and said "curry okay sir?"
"Oh alright, just one song but then I really must go," I replied.
A large hole has appeared on the clockwise carraigeway of the M25 closing the road to all traffic.
Police are looking into it.
My local barber shop was broken into last night.
Police are combing the area for clues.
(More police jokes please)
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