!! New Joke Thread !!

Its about time we had a new joke thread, put yours up.....

1 to 20 of 43 messages
08/08/2012 at 20:13

A man was lying in bed facing his wife, he looks into her eyes and says

"Looking at you reminds me of the lottery."

She replies "You mean i'm worth millions?"

He says "No, I wish you'd rollover!"

08/08/2012 at 21:11

A Man goes to the Doctor and says "Doctor I am going deaf".

The Doctor says "what are the symptoms"

The man says "an american cartoon family from Springfield - why"

(i'll get my coat)

08/08/2012 at 21:17

I had an issue with my computer because it kept bursting into song. But it's sorted now.

It's actually an Acer but it thinks it's a Dell.

 

08/08/2012 at 21:22

So this bloke walks into a cafe. He's got a large salmon under his arm. He goes up to the waitress and says, "'scuse me love but do you serve fish cakes?"

"Yes, we do."

"Oh good, because it's his birthday today."

08/08/2012 at 22:41

What do the Sixth Sense and the Titanic have in common?

I see dead people...

08/08/2012 at 23:03

Whats E.T short for?

 

He's got little legs.

08/08/2012 at 23:43

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders.  He eats, then gets out a gun and shoots the waiter as he starts to go..  The manager runs out and shouts 'hey, why did you shoot my waiter?'.  The panda replies 'hey, I'm a Panda....look up the definition!'  The manager walks back into his office, finds a definition and reads it... 'PANDA - black and white marsupial, lives in Asia, eats shoots and leaves.'

09/08/2012 at 08:55

A horse walks into a bar and the barman says 'Why the long face?'

09/08/2012 at 09:05

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Nothing, the little buggers not going to come to you anyway.

09/08/2012 at 10:13

I heard that the local Police station has had its toilet stolen.

The cops have nothing to go on.

09/08/2012 at 10:22

The same thieves took the dogs from the kennels. The cops say they have no leads.

09/08/2012 at 10:42

Our parrot got out of its cage and shagged the dog. Now we have some puppies going cheep if anyone's interested.

09/08/2012 at 10:49

Why did the baker's hands smell?


Because he kneaded a poo

09/08/2012 at 11:03

I was suddenly awoken with a blow job this morning.
That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open

10/08/2012 at 22:03
Two goldfish in a tank...... One turns to the other, and says do you know how to make the gun turret spin round?
13/08/2012 at 14:38

Two fat blokes sitting in the pub

One says to the other "Your round"

The other one says "So are you, you fat b@st@rd!"

The Silent Assassin    pirate
13/08/2012 at 14:45

A man hires a hitman call Arti to kill his wife and he only has to pay £1, Arti waits for the perfect time to kill this man's wife and when shes in a supermarket he jumps on her and strangles her to death, the supermarket manager tries intervene but the hitman strangles him as well.

The headline in the paper the next reads

"Arti Chokes 2 for a pound at Tesco"

 

 

Tumbleweed

 

Edited: 13/08/2012 at 14:46
13/08/2012 at 16:03

I was sat in my local Indian restaurant, when the waiter came up and said "curry okay sir?"

"Oh alright, just one song but then I really must go," I replied.

13/08/2012 at 17:22

Breaking news.

A large hole has appeared on the clockwise carraigeway of the M25 closing the road to all traffic.

Police are looking into it.

 

13/08/2012 at 17:59

My local barber shop was broken into last night.

Police are combing the area for clues.

 

(More police jokes please)

 

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