A Lorryload of Monkeys...

...has broken down on the hard shoulder of the M6. The driver is staring at the engine scratching his head and cursing.

Another lorry driver pulls up in front of him and asks if he can help.

'Well, I've got to get these monkeys to Chester Zoo by this afternoon' he says.

'No problem', the 2nd driver says, 'I'll hitch up to your trailer and get them there on time for you'

'Great' says the first driver,' here's £100 for your trouble'.

With that, the trailers are switched and the monkeys speed off towards Chester.

Some time later, the first driver has got moving again and stopped for a drink when he sees the other lorry, still with it's load of monkeys, pull into the service station'.

'What the hell are you doing' says the first driver, I gave you £100 to get those monkeys to Chester Zoo by this afternoon'

'And I did', says the 2nd driver, 'But we've got £50 left so I'm taking them to Alton Towers now'

An old lady goes to see her doctor for a really embarrassing problem;

'Doc, I have a strange problem. I fart all day long but it doesn't smell or make a noise, in fact I've farted at least three times since you've been here!'

'Humm, well, take this pill three times a day for a week, then come back and see me.'

The next week the lady was back and boy was she mad!!

'Doc, the pill didn't help at all!! I still fart but now it smells horrible!!!'

Doc says ...

'Well, now that we cleared up your sinuses, we need to work on your hearing.'

>Jethro was in the pub the other day, 'Here', he said, 'have you seen Denzell lately?'
'Es,' said the barman, 'an he was miserable as sin.'
'Es,' said Jethro, 'it's that new girlfriend of his, she's mad with him.'
'Why's that?' said the barman.
'Well,' said Jethro, 'you know twas Valentine's day last week?'
'Es' said the barman polishing his glass
>'Well he sent her a present,even got her sister to help him pick it out as he weren't sure what to get her. He decided on a nice pair of gloves, romantic and not too personal. He even wrote a note to send with the present.'
'Didn't know he could write,' said the barman.
'True,' said Jethro, 'so I gave him a bit of help. Took bloody ages. Twas really nice what he wrote, didn't know he had it in him.'
' What did it say?' asked the barman.
'Funny,' said Jethro 'but I got a copy here, I'll read to ee.
He wrote: I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year! I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.'
' Well' said the barman ' that was really nice. didn't know that Denzell had that much romance in him. What made the maid get mad with him?'
' Well see,' said Jethro supping his pint,' her sister bought some knickers at the same time and the saleslady, when gift wrapping his, accidentally wrapped the knickers instead and they were what he sent to his girlfriend!!

The Queen was riding down the Mall in an open horse drawn carriage with the King of Spain when one of the horses suddenly farts really loudly. The Queen is highly embarassed and apologises profusely to which the King replies, "That's quite alright, I thought it was the horse."

If you laid every man, woman and child in London, end to end across the Atlantic Ocean...............




















.............They'd drown.

And if Patsy Kensit laid every successful rock singer end to end........no-one would be surprised.

Bush vs. Osama

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."

GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!!!!!!

phone rang last night and this girl said
" hello I'm phoning from Everest ! "

well can you imagine what I said ?

" Your jokin ! what's it like ? "

A monkey go into a bar and asks for a pint of lager, the barman looks amazed at the monkey and says you can speak. The monkey says yes now about my lager, im abit thirsty I work on the building site up the road and its really dusty, so if you dont mind.
After the monkey leaves, a chap from the local circus walks in for a drink. The barman says you wont believe this but I had a talking monkey in earlier, the chap

yes????? and ??????

Didn't Nicko's boss just walk in?

Maybe...her name is Mo...

An eskimo is riding accross the snow and his skiddoo breaks down. So he calls out the AA man who arrives and inspects the vehicle.

"I think you've blown a seal"
"no I haven't, its just snow on my mostache!"

did you hear about the man who was washed up on the beach covered in red paint?

he'd been marooned

That deserves a crash of a cymbal

Magical Toilet Paper

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to
her husband that her t1t5 are too small.

Instead of his standard response of reassuring her that this wasn't the
case, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your t1t5 to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between your t1t5 for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her t1t5.

"How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of
years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
t1t5 every day will make my t1t5 grow over the years?"

He shrugged and said, "Worked for your arse, didn't it?"

He lived, and with extensive therapy, he may even walk again.

Roflmao...........

Yes Ratbag you were right......
I,ll finish it later......The joke

OK heres the rest of the joke...........


Says I could use him in my show. Could you tell him I have a job for him if he,s interested.
That night the monkey comes into the bar and the barman says the chap at the circus says he would like to offer you a job in his show.
The monkey replies what does he want a Plasterer for.......... BOOM BOOM.

A brain and a jump lead go into a pub and order some drinks. The barman says
"I'm not serving you two!"
"Why?" asked the brain. The barman replies, "Because you are out of your
skull and he is bound to start something."