Alternative e-mail out of office messages

I finish next week for a year's maternity leave and, while clearing out some dross, came across this list of suggested out of office responses.

I'm tempted, but won't (I do still need to have a job to come back to), but which would you choose, or do you have a better suggestion?

Suggestions for next time your out of the office and need to set up
an Auto-Reply e-mail
*********************

I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail
to get the position.
Be prepared for my mood.

*********************

I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you

*********************

You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything
at all.


*********************

Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain
removed so that I may be promoted to management

*********************

I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send
me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your
mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

*********************

Thank you for your email.
Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first ten words and
£1.99 for each additional word in your message.

*********************

The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is
unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try
sending again.

(The beauty of this one is that when you return, you can see how many
in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

*********************

Thank you for your message, which has been added to an email queueing
system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a
reply in approximately 19 weeks and 3 days.

*********************

Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.


*********************

I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.

*********************

Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your
PC for my response.

*********************

Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Please don't
bother to leave me any messages.

*********************

I've run away to join a different circus.

*********************

AND, FINALLY, ....

I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.'

'I'm having my brain removed'

I think the "I've run away to join another circus" probably suits my circumstances.

Or "I'm now on maternity leave and will be spending the next 12 months with a 3 year old and a baby. I probably won't notice the difference in the maturity of the daily conversations"

Or to develop on that and (imho) improve a little:

"I'm now on maternity leave and will be spending the next 12 months with a 3-year-old and a baby. I am expecting them to require less spoon-feeding, hand-holding, cleaning up and mothering than my current line management."

I like Muttley's suggestion.

I'm so far down the office pecking order, I don't even have email.

Apparantly I don't need email.

Except yesterday, when my boss was off sick, and needed to email the staff rotas from home. The work email was down, so I had to talk her through opening an email, attaching the excel file to the message, then sending it to my home email, so I could retrieve and print them.

All without me knowing what email system she uses, or her knowing whereabouts she'd saved the file to at home.

I wish I didn't have e-mail.

Life was so much easier when people actually spoke to you, or wrote things that were actually important on a memo.

My inbox currently has 3000 e-mails needing answered/filed/deleted.  And I delete the carp about cakes and parking as soon as they arrive................

" I wish I didn't have e-mail. "

me too. lot of emails seem to be just about CYA by  cc'ing everyone in the orgasnisation, rather than getting something done.