Crap at relationships

How do i get things sorted

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26/09/2010 at 10:23

The problem with working less and socializing more is that the time you want to embark on a relationship is usually the time when you need to work more, or all hours, to meet the bills, save up for a deposit on a house, pay off the student loan, carry the initially high mortgage payments, start a pension fund etc. Or, having embarked on a relationship, to do all that and get self, partner, house etc ready for kids.

My marriage failed for various reasons, wrong choice of partner being the main one, but in retrospect I realize that maybe I could have worked less and spent more time on home matters. But if I hadn't done that, we wouldn't have kept our heads above water financially. Catch-22.

And now, finally, being in a reasonably solvent position, I'm too crusty and set in my ways to want to start a relationship anyway. Not to mention the way the divorce laws operate if it all goes pear-shaped.

So I'm unattached and tbh quite happy about that. If Ms Right heaves into view, then fine, if not, then also fine.

The main thing is not to look too hard. Women can smell desperation.

26/09/2010 at 12:03

I'm am a workaholic and find the time with colleagues somewhat more rewarding than trying to do other things Yes I know its a comfort zone thing

The have had some steady relationships but nothing that has ignited a spark in me and work has acted as a crutch at times plus given me somewhere to hide

I work shifts which somepeople struggle to cope with but I enjoy them and they are difficult to give up

I'm at the point were I would like to settle down (late 30's) but just don't see anything happening

26/09/2010 at 13:27
It will probably happen when you're least expecting it.......... and at a point when you can can least afford it
Edited: 26/09/2010 at 13:28
26/09/2010 at 13:50

Technically, you don't need to be good at relationships, you just need to be slightly less than crap at one particular relationship

And every relationship that goes belly-up could be taking you closer to the one that won't - so don't give up!

Speaking as a divorcee now in another significant long-term partnership, I learnt so much from my earlier failed relationships (the marriage especially) that it has had a positive effect on my current relationship, which is far from perfect; I've just learnt to cope better with conflict and be more open about my own personality and life-style failings (of which there are many - working hours and running being two major stumbling blocks).

And should this one not go the distance (and there are absolutely no guarantees in this world), I hope I would pick myself up, take what I've learnt forward and try again. 

I hope I don't come across as a sanctimonious little so-and-so, but all relationships require some hard work from time to time, and compromises. But when it becomes all about hard work and squashing yourself to fit in to keeping the relationship going, then maybe that's the time to call it quits. 

And now I'm rambling, so I'll stop

Nicko. Hdau    pirate
26/09/2010 at 14:10

I've found that relationships are over rated, especially marriage

But if you don't try then you won't find this out.

Oh and working all hours is even worse, cos when you do find love [and you will] she will love spending all that money you've accumulated over the years

26/09/2010 at 16:51

I'd not subscribe to the "if at first you don't succeed, give up because it's obviously a bad thing" view on married relationships. Ultimately a marriage is supposed to be a place of security where each individual has the safety to grow and be more comfortable with themselves and their environment, because of the encouragement and nurture of the other.

I did say supposed, because that's not how many people approach these things. If you look at any relationship in terms of what you can get out of it, then it's not going to go the distance.

I'd say think very carefully about what priorities you have in life. Then live according to them. If a partner is not your priority and you're unwilling to make sacrifices for their happiness, then you have to be satisfied with something less. At least it's your call.

Good luck.

26/09/2010 at 16:54

Stop thinking about it...

I was worried I'd be perenially single, and 2.5 years after meeting by chance on a soap forum (don't ask) we were out looking at engagement rings yesterday!

Be nice, be yourself.

26/09/2010 at 17:37

There's a man out there in his late 30's, into running, with a steady job and looking for a serious relationship?

You'll be telling me there are unicorns next! I bet if you could see the number of hits on your profile that half the females on the forum have been trying to work out where you are.

Sorry, that's not much help, but I thought it might cheer you up.

26/09/2010 at 17:47

It is indeed a world of abundance.

Fancy organising a social?

26/09/2010 at 18:14
A "come and meet Slowfoot" social?  There's a plan.
26/09/2010 at 19:20
Running Rodent wrote (see)
I bet if you could see the number of hits on your profile that half the females on the forum have been trying to work out where you are.

Guilty as charged, m'Lud
26/09/2010 at 19:27
Oooo a Runners World speed/tempo/long slow dating social could be fun.  Put me on the list
26/09/2010 at 19:51
And me
26/09/2010 at 19:53
It'll probably happen when you least expect it - like shingles
26/09/2010 at 20:00
Johnny Blaze wrote (see)
It'll probably happen when you least expect it - like shingles

I'd like some notice so I can iron a shirt and have a hair cut.

Oh you mean Slowfoot meeting someone, not a social

26/09/2010 at 20:07
I don't necessarily believe that you're crap at relationships. It's all about finding the right person. I found someone almost three years ago, having had some shit in the past. If you'd have asked me then, whether it'd have lasted this long three years ago, I'd have laughed in your face. I'm 32 now... Just bide your time. It'll happen.

ps. Not having kk sleeping at the end of my bed every night seems to have helped.
M...eldy    pirate
26/09/2010 at 20:10
She slept on top of me for the last two nights ............ is this a sign?
26/09/2010 at 20:12
You didn't have your 'Special Willy' on, did you?
26/09/2010 at 20:13

*pulls up sofa, pops Pringles and cracks open a beer*

Tell us more meldy

M...eldy    pirate
26/09/2010 at 20:15
Don Minquez wrote (see)
You didn't have your 'Special Willy' on, did you?

No,  I lent it to someone and it wasnt returned in a similar condition
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