Crap at relationships

How do i get things sorted

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Lee the Pea    pirate
27/09/2010 at 22:57
Interesting thread Hugs to Slowfoot & Min. It is pretty tough being single sometimes, and it used to really stress me out. I think i've accepted that i'll be okay on my own, but I'd still rather meet someone. I'd agree with the others Slowfoot, in that you probably will work less, or want to work less when you meet the right woman.

I don't have all the answers, not by a long shot, but I think you have to be happy in yourself, and in the life you currently lead before you can hope for things to work out with someone else. I always worried about having kids, and last year whether I wanted kids was on my mind a lot, and i've decided that I don't need to have kids to be happy, so that's taken the pressure off! I still have issues with my weight which bothers me, and I think I'll not meet anyone for sure until i've sorted that out, more from my point of view, but probably from a guys point of view too, who knows. All my pals tell me how they can't understand why i'm single, though my friends are lovely, so they wouldn't likely say anything else!

I think with life, it doesn't always turn out as you'd expect, but you can have some beautiful surprises that make life worthwhile, and worth embracing, whether on your own or with someone else


p.s. I think I met you briefly in Chandos after the FLM this year Slowfoot.....ladies he is rather hot Hee hee hee
Edited: 27/09/2010 at 23:00
27/09/2010 at 23:35

I feel your pain Slowfoot!

I often think about the ol' chicken 'n egg thing too - Am i on my own because I work too much or do I work too much because I'm on my own!

I'm not doing anything proactive to 'put myself out there', just rather lazily assuming it'll happen when it happens. I keep my self busy getting on with life in the meantime but sometimes its hard not to feel a tad lonely - the simple stuff really - someone to watch a fim with, share a meal, laze in bed on a Sunday morning - better stop before I sound too mad and desperate!!

All we can do is keep positive, enjoy life and trust it'll happen when the time is right!  

28/09/2010 at 09:22

Min - I can relate completely with what you said - I have been there at the end of the day with a drink in a complete mess.

I haven't given up though and when I look at a lot of people I know who are in long term relationships that just aren't happy or sometimes bounce from bed to bed because they are so desperate to be part of a couple they go out with anyone who shows an interest  I think actually better to sort myself out than lose myself to that rollercoaster

Funnily anough I am finding myself drawn to younger men (well 30s anyway) - I like their attitude in some ways alot of them don't seem to have as much to prove as the single 40+s.  However there are guys out there who do go for what they get on with

Nam
28/09/2010 at 09:48

Interesting point about age differences, age preferences etc.  Because I worked and travelled for a good few years before I went to Uni, I was 23/24 when I went to Uni and everyone else was 18/19 so a huge chunk of my circle of friends are around a handful of years younger than me (as is my squeeze).  The women at work who are my age or older, I feel I have very little in common with...  we kind of feign a polite superficial interest in each other's lives which are just very different in terms of choices and priorities.

And that's kind of made me think that a major factor in a relationship working long term is whether you're broadly heading in the same direction, whatever that direction is, rather than one person 'leading' the way to what they want hoping their partner will sooner or later come round to their way of thinking.  And often when things go wrong you get that sense of 'moving in different directions' much sooner than most people care to acknowledge.

And the direction you want your life to take is kind of determined by what makes you as an individual feel good, and sometimes people just change and don't feel good about the same things anymore... 

28/09/2010 at 10:14
Nam wrote (see)
MikeFrog Justgiving.com/MikeforCrisis wrote (see)
Nam wrote (see)

Likewise my my other bessie male mate has been single for coming up to 8 years now and he'd make someone a perfect boyfriend.  He's loyal, friendly, a great listener (counsellor!), has a really fab moral code and would never cheat on anyone...  again women just don't seem to be interested...


As you know him well, can you see why?  Is he "too nice"?


*nods*

He's not the most confident guy in the world and can be very shy.  He's been told a few times by women he liked that they liked him very much as a friend and felt for him "like a brother"... mmm...

But I'm thinking, okay so he's not overtly sexual, a bit shy and an awkward flirt but surely someone must be out there to find him attractive just as he is, without him feeling he should have to change. 


I suspected that was the problem.  It's not a question of "should".  We may be rational beings, but a part of forming relationships is animal instinct, "chemistry", call it what you will, and he can be as perfect and loyal as you like, but if he exhibits submissive behaviour to women then usually that chemistry isn't going to happen.  And for good reasons.

28/09/2010 at 10:23
Tickled Pink wrote (see)

Funny you should mention the musical taste thing MF.  My first relationship after divorcing Mr Pink was with somebody 16 years older and music was one of the things we could never agree on.  He was stuck in a 60s timewarp   He always said I'd leave him for somebody my own age ... I did!  Not just due to his  musical taste but he didn't fit with my friends and I basically didn't fit with his.  I'm the same age now as he was then and I can see how a 27 year old just would have little in common with us. 


It's funny, isn't it? The music may sound like a minor point (ho ho) but little things like that can be vital.

Mind you I know someone in their 30s who's stuck in a musical timewarp ... and he cant sort out relationships either.  Just a bit too blinkered. "I know what I like, I just like THIS music, nothing else ever, nothing new ever".... and you wonder what a relationship with that person would be like,,, tiny things give you clues

> " I can see how a 27 year old just would have little in common with us. "

Yeh, young people, they're lovely to look at aren't they, but you wouldn't want one living with you...

Nam
28/09/2010 at 10:26

Mike I know what you mean and I can see the sense of the biological 'instinct' behind it... I just don't know what the solution would be for him... short of "be more of an arse"!? 

There must be women out there who would like a guy who is caring, humble, educated, funny, ethical, etc etc just doesn't do the "treat them mean keep them keen" thing? 

28/09/2010 at 10:32

Is his problem getting into a relationship or staying in a relationship ?  

28/09/2010 at 10:35

Nam wrote (see)

a major factor in a relationship working long term is whether you're broadly heading in the same direction, whatever that direction is, rather than one person 'leading' the way to what they want hoping their partner will sooner or later come round to their way of thinking.  And often when things go wrong you get that sense of 'moving in different directions' much sooner than most people care to acknowledge.

And the direction you want your life to take is kind of determined by what makes you as an individual feel good, and sometimes people just change and don't feel good about the same things anymore... 

Yes and no. I totally agree it's all about the "direction you're heading in". You have to know what that is, that's almost step 1.

28/09/2010 at 10:39
Nam wrote (see)

Mike I know what you mean and I can see the sense of the biological 'instinct' behind it... I just don't know what the solution would be for him... short of "be more of an arse"!? 

There must be women out there who would like a guy who is caring, humble, educated, funny, ethical, etc etc just doesn't do the "treat them mean keep them keen" thing? 


<cough> abandonment issues from childhood <cough> toxic shame <cough>

It's not a case of superimposing yet another pretence of "being an arse" when he isn't one at all

It's a case of removing the pretence of "I'm not really a sexual being".

Just lie down on ze couch....

28/09/2010 at 10:39
Nam wrote (see)

Mike I know what you mean and I can see the sense of the biological 'instinct' behind it... I just don't know what the solution would be for him... short of "be more of an arse"!? 

There must be women out there who would like a guy who is caring, humble, educated, funny, ethical, etc etc just doesn't do the "treat them mean keep them keen" thing? 

My impression is that they're few and far between, and if they do they often have "issues" that get in the way of a relationship.

It's crap though, he's either got to fake a "bad boy" personality or stay single.  

28/09/2010 at 10:40
Nam, it's not about "being more of an arse".  It's about being confident in who he is.  The confident (and nice) guy is the one who will make the move for the first kiss but will respect a woman if she says no.  The shy guy won't even make the move so will end up just being friends.
28/09/2010 at 10:43
The One and Only XFR Bear wrote (see)

My impression is that they're few and far between, and if they do they often have "issues" that get in the way of a relationship.

Yes. Spot on, women with personality issues are drawn to guys like that 

The One and Only XFR Bear wrote (see)

It's crap though, he's either got to fake a "bad boy" personality or stay single.  


No, a thousand times no.

Faking personality is what he's *already* doing that causes the problem,

Sorry, you got me on my hot topic here.......

Nam
28/09/2010 at 10:44

Getting into one Pops.  Women just want to be friends, see him as a 'brother' figure (which kind of means 'asexual' right?).  He is simply just shy and massively uncomfortable of putting himself out there. 

As an example re confidence and exuding a lil bit of sexy... once a year him and I go on his annual clothes shop which he finds the most painful experience ever, it is to be endured breifly rather than enjoyed...  He will always, year after year, pick largely the same things in the same colours (navy, brown & green, maybe grey but not too light) and there will be trousers (not too tight...), shirts (not too colourful), shoos (comfy loafers... brown...)...  I picked out a simple black poloneck once and he recoiled in horror saying "it's a bit too trendy for me"...  I swear, if he could make himself disappear he would!

I think he's really scared to let his hair down, I have never seen him drunk in all the years I have known him and he hates being around drunk people.  I have never seen him dance and doubt I ever will.

He's a diamond of solidity and friendship (my longest ever friend) and he'd make someone a great hubby, and I think once he'd found someone he trusted there is a naughty side that could be discovered... but his problem is he just can't show it and women just see him as "just a friend"... 

Nam
28/09/2010 at 10:50
MikeFrog Justgiving.com/MikeforCrisis wrote (see)
The One and Only XFR Bear wrote (see)

My impression is that they're few and far between, and if they do they often have "issues" that get in the way of a relationship.

Yes. Spot on, women with personality issues are drawn to guys like that 


Yes.  There was one who was an utter fruit loop who was clearly looking for "daddy" to "make everything alright"...
Lee the Pea    pirate
28/09/2010 at 10:50
Nam wrote (see)

Mike I know what you mean and I can see the sense of the biological 'instinct' behind it... I just don't know what the solution would be for him... short of "be more of an arse"!? 

There must be women out there who would like a guy who is caring, humble, educated, funny, ethical, etc etc just doesn't do the "treat them mean keep them keen" thing? 

Aye he sounds alright Nam, send him round   Seriously though, Mike i think you're right on the confidence thing.  Nothing wrong with someone who is 'nice', if they have confidence.  Being too submissive is off-putting.  I know because when i lacked confidence I would try to be who I thought people wanted me to be, and that doesn't work, for anyone!  The type of guys that 'me' attracted were arseholes, so I stopped hating myself and things are better.  I am who I am, and if folk don't like me, well, that's their tough luck   Mind you, i'm still single, so i'm clearly not right for some folk, hahaha.
28/09/2010 at 10:51
Nam wrote (see)

 I swear, if he could make himself disappear he would!

I think he's really scared  


Of what?

edit: sorry, no, i must stop this, he's not here and has not consented to this.

But yes I've advised plenty like that.

Edited: 28/09/2010 at 10:54
Nam
28/09/2010 at 10:59

edit...

MikeFrog Justgiving.com/MikeforCrisis wrote (see)

edit: sorry, no, i must stop this, he's not here and has not consented to this.

But yes I've advised plenty like that.

yeah I agree...    would be curious what you'd advise tho...  I think I'm too close to be objective...

Edited: 28/09/2010 at 11:03
28/09/2010 at 11:00
MikeFrog Justgiving.com/MikeforCrisis wrote (see)

The One and Only XFR Bear wrote (see)

It's crap though, he's either got to fake a "bad boy" personality or stay single.  


No, a thousand times no.

Faking personality is what he's *already* doing that causes the problem,

Sorry, you got me on my hot topic here.......

Well I don't know the guy Mike, and as far as I know neither do you.  But what's he faking - to me it sounds like he's just showing his natural caring, ethical side.  I don't see anything fake about that.

Unless you mean he's faking because he's not showing his sexual side immediately?  But then again some people are a bit more subtle than showing everything up front, doesn't mean they're faking.

28/09/2010 at 11:14

That kind of shyness/social phobia can be crippling.     Having self confidence is such an important thing.  I know it's not easy if you have that as a personality trait but like I told my daughter last year when she was sad because she hadn't scored a goal all season - well you never have a shot do you - you always leave it to the other players.    

At some point he has to start approaching women, or at least respond when they approach him, or else he'll live and die with that having beaten him.    My mate was the same - he was over 40 when he had his first girlfriend - just through being awkward with women.    I even saw women invite him back to theirs and he would make an excuse (work in the morning or something!).     

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