Crap at relationships

slowfoot wrote (see)

in fact a junior doctor told me I spend more time in work than her.

I was just messing Slowfoot - I have a warped sense of humor 

It doesn't sound strange at all. But when you do meet the right person you'll probably find that the work issue isn't such a problem after all, whether it's because they make you want to spend less time working, or because they are in a similar situation to you and can understand. Have you tried a dating website? Last year I went to the wedding of two friends who met on the internet.

Parklife wrote (see)

slowfoot wrote (see)

in fact a junior doctor told me I spend more time in work than her.

I did spot that straight away Madame O but didn't comment.

Parklife wrote (see)

Badly Drawn Bloke wrote (see)

Did you mean to type like can't like that Parklife?

Obviously.

It's a minefield, innit.

I have known people who, I sincerely believe, simply couldn't function without being "in a relationship".

One bloke I went to school with had been engaged 3 times before he was 22.

I love you JB

All these lovely laydeez looking for a mate.

<buffs bald patch, preens>

I feel your pain Slowfoot!

I often think about the ol' chicken 'n egg thing too - Am i on my own because I work too much or do I work too much because I'm on my own!

I'm not doing anything proactive to 'put myself out there', just rather lazily assuming it'll happen when it happens. I keep my self busy getting on with life in the meantime but sometimes its hard not to feel a tad lonely - the simple stuff really - someone to watch a fim with, share a meal, laze in bed on a Sunday morning - better stop before I sound too mad and desperate!!

All we can do is keep positive, enjoy life and trust it'll happen when the time is right!  

Min - I can relate completely with what you said - I have been there at the end of the day with a drink in a complete mess.

I haven't given up though and when I look at a lot of people I know who are in long term relationships that just aren't happy or sometimes bounce from bed to bed because they are so desperate to be part of a couple they go out with anyone who shows an interest  I think actually better to sort myself out than lose myself to that rollercoaster

Funnily anough I am finding myself drawn to younger men (well 30s anyway) - I like their attitude in some ways alot of them don't seem to have as much to prove as the single 40+s.  However there are guys out there who do go for what they get on with

Interesting point about age differences, age preferences etc.  Because I worked and travelled for a good few years before I went to Uni, I was 23/24 when I went to Uni and everyone else was 18/19 so a huge chunk of my circle of friends are around a handful of years younger than me (as is my squeeze).  The women at work who are my age or older, I feel I have very little in common with...  we kind of feign a polite superficial interest in each other's lives which are just very different in terms of choices and priorities.

And that's kind of made me think that a major factor in a relationship working long term is whether you're broadly heading in the same direction, whatever that direction is, rather than one person 'leading' the way to what they want hoping their partner will sooner or later come round to their way of thinking.  And often when things go wrong you get that sense of 'moving in different directions' much sooner than most people care to acknowledge.

And the direction you want your life to take is kind of determined by what makes you as an individual feel good, and sometimes people just change and don't feel good about the same things anymore... 

Nam wrote (see)

MikeFrog Justgiving.com/MikeforCrisis wrote (see)

Nam wrote (see)

Likewise my my other bessie male mate has been single for coming up to 8 years now and he'd make someone a perfect boyfriend.  He's loyal, friendly, a great listener (counsellor!), has a really fab moral code and would never cheat on anyone...  again women just don't seem to be interested...

As you know him well, can you see why?  Is he "too nice"?

*nods*

He's not the most confident guy in the world and can be very shy.  He's been told a few times by women he liked that they liked him very much as a friend and felt for him "like a brother"... mmm...

But I'm thinking, okay so he's not overtly sexual, a bit shy and an awkward flirt but surely someone must be out there to find him attractive just as he is, without him feeling he should have to change. 

I suspected that was the problem.  It's not a question of "should".  We may be rational beings, but a part of forming relationships is animal instinct, "chemistry", call it what you will, and he can be as perfect and loyal as you like, but if he exhibits submissive behaviour to women then usually that chemistry isn't going to happen.  And for good reasons.

Tickled Pink wrote (see)

Funny you should mention the musical taste thing MF.  My first relationship after divorcing Mr Pink was with somebody 16 years older and music was one of the things we could never agree on.  He was stuck in a 60s timewarp   He always said I'd leave him for somebody my own age ... I did!  Not just due to his  musical taste but he didn't fit with my friends and I basically didn't fit with his.  I'm the same age now as he was then and I can see how a 27 year old just would have little in common with us. 

It's funny, isn't it? The music may sound like a minor point (ho ho) but little things like that can be vital.

Mind you I know someone in their 30s who's stuck in a musical timewarp ... and he cant sort out relationships either.  Just a bit too blinkered. "I know what I like, I just like THIS music, nothing else ever, nothing new ever".... and you wonder what a relationship with that person would be like,,, tiny things give you clues

> " I can see how a 27 year old just would have little in common with us. "

Yeh, young people, they're lovely to look at aren't they, but you wouldn't want one living with you...

Mike I know what you mean and I can see the sense of the biological 'instinct' behind it... I just don't know what the solution would be for him... short of "be more of an arse"!? 

There must be women out there who would like a guy who is caring, humble, educated, funny, ethical, etc etc just doesn't do the "treat them mean keep them keen" thing? 

Is his problem getting into a relationship or staying in a relationship ?  

Nam wrote (see)

a major factor in a relationship working long term is whether you're broadly heading in the same direction, whatever that direction is, rather than one person 'leading' the way to what they want hoping their partner will sooner or later come round to their way of thinking.  And often when things go wrong you get that sense of 'moving in different directions' much sooner than most people care to acknowledge.

And the direction you want your life to take is kind of determined by what makes you as an individual feel good, and sometimes people just change and don't feel good about the same things anymore... 

Yes and no. I totally agree it's all about the "direction you're heading in". You have to know what that is, that's almost step 1.

Nam wrote (see)

Mike I know what you mean and I can see the sense of the biological 'instinct' behind it... I just don't know what the solution would be for him... short of "be more of an arse"!? 

There must be women out there who would like a guy who is caring, humble, educated, funny, ethical, etc etc just doesn't do the "treat them mean keep them keen" thing? 

<cough> abandonment issues from childhood <cough> toxic shame <cough>

It's not a case of superimposing yet another pretence of "being an arse" when he isn't one at all

It's a case of removing the pretence of "I'm not really a sexual being".

Just lie down on ze couch....

Nam wrote (see)

Mike I know what you mean and I can see the sense of the biological 'instinct' behind it... I just don't know what the solution would be for him... short of "be more of an arse"!? 

There must be women out there who would like a guy who is caring, humble, educated, funny, ethical, etc etc just doesn't do the "treat them mean keep them keen" thing? 

My impression is that they're few and far between, and if they do they often have "issues" that get in the way of a relationship.

It's crap though, he's either got to fake a "bad boy" personality or stay single.