Crap at relationships

How do i get things sorted

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28/09/2010 at 11:14

That kind of shyness/social phobia can be crippling.     Having self confidence is such an important thing.  I know it's not easy if you have that as a personality trait but like I told my daughter last year when she was sad because she hadn't scored a goal all season - well you never have a shot do you - you always leave it to the other players.    

At some point he has to start approaching women, or at least respond when they approach him, or else he'll live and die with that having beaten him.    My mate was the same - he was over 40 when he had his first girlfriend - just through being awkward with women.    I even saw women invite him back to theirs and he would make an excuse (work in the morning or something!).     

28/09/2010 at 11:15
Someone who is nervous of his own shadow won't make a great husband.  He'll be too scared of making the life saving decision, of grabbing his tools and fixing the leaking radiator, of phoning to complain to a company who has ripped him off.  He may be kind and caring but he needs to be more than that to make someone a good partner.  He runs the risk of ending up in a relationship where she walks all over hiim.
28/09/2010 at 11:17
either that, bear, or you could just get a balaclava and hide in the bushes
28/09/2010 at 11:20

True though this kind of phobia - because I think that's what it is -  can be selective.  

Some people are very shy around women, or maybe unfamiliar social settings, but can be quite assertive in other surroundings.     I've know social extroverts who would panic if they were asked to get up and give a lecture in front of say 100 people, and some very shy people who are happy in that situation.    Some people who would stand up to a physical threat without fear but who are reduced to a nervous wreck at the thought of going into a school to complain about a teacher.    

Nam
28/09/2010 at 11:29
He's actually perfectly appropriately assertive in any other aspect in life, by no means a walk over when it comes to normal life stuff like dealing with authorities etc... he's not 'scared' of women either... they just don't 'fancy' him. 
28/09/2010 at 11:30

candy ollier wrote (see)
either that, bear, or you could just get a balaclava and hide in the bushes

It's my understanding that bear does all right, so they say
28/09/2010 at 11:31
one day the forensics will nail him!
28/09/2010 at 11:35
MikeFrog Justgiving.com/MikeforCrisis wrote (see)

candy ollier wrote (see)
either that, bear, or you could just get a balaclava and hide in the bushes

It's my understanding that bear does all right, so they say
Not in the last few years Mike, although I must admit I've been concentrating on my studies more.
28/09/2010 at 11:42
Nam wrote (see)
He's actually perfectly appropriately assertive in any other aspect in life, by no means a walk over when it comes to normal life stuff like dealing with authorities etc... he's not 'scared' of women either... they just don't 'fancy' him. 

Yeah, that fits. With such a person, I'd be asking questions about their childhood...
Lee the Pea    pirate
28/09/2010 at 12:01
MikeFrog Justgiving.com/MikeforCrisis wrote (see)
Nam wrote (see)
He's actually perfectly appropriately assertive in any other aspect in life, by no means a walk over when it comes to normal life stuff like dealing with authorities etc... he's not 'scared' of women either... they just don't 'fancy' him. 

Yeah, that fits. With such a person, I'd be asking questions about their childhood...


...or maybe he's just been really hurt in the past and is scared of getting hurt again?  Happens easily.  It is hard to put yourself out there if you've been slated in the past

Or of course it could be that due to lack of confidence with regards to women, and not a lot of success on that front, that he just assumes women won't fancy him, so maybe unconsciously has become sort of asexual? This will mean women maybe are less likely to fancy him?

Edited: 28/09/2010 at 12:12
28/09/2010 at 12:10
It's nothing a good seeing to wouldn't sort out. 
28/09/2010 at 12:10
Attraction is a strange beast.  I find confidence very attractive, yet I'm not a particularly confident person myself.  I also don't mind a little bit of madness because I'm pretty level (or at least I think so, wibble).  My last girlfriend ticked all sorts of boxes, but there was something missing and I think it was little bit of drama.  I'm not talking about a firey relationship, I hate arguments, but I think the best comes out of me when I'm in support rather than centre stage.  That's probably more about me having trouble accepting help and wanting to remain emotionally independent though.  So maybe I'm the screw up
Lee the Pea    pirate
28/09/2010 at 12:17
popsider wrote (see)
It's nothing a good seeing to wouldn't sort out. 


Aye, true enough.  You can't beat a really good shag with someone you're into

BDB, being an emotional 'flatliner' can be a bit hard going sometimes; I'd also prefer someone who is passionate and a bit fiery, and not someone who just agrees all the time, or goes along with everyone else.  People pleasers are great to an extent, but just miss that certain something.

28/09/2010 at 12:20
MadameO wrote (see)

 I'm not saying I have a romantic ideal or anything, just that if I do it again it has to feel right. I don't want mind games, or that sense that I/they want something other than what we are.


I had a couple of "mind games" type relationships after 1st marriage broke up.  God, they are hard work!  They did sort of leave me in a "I need to be in a relationship to be happy" frame of mind afterwards though.  Took a couple of years of being single to get me through that.  I can remember coming down the stairs one morning, realising I had a good job, a nice house, a few good friends and was fit and healthy, and deciding that I was ok on my own.  My only regret would be that I never had kids.

About a month later, my now husband and father of my daughter and I got together.  We'd known each other on and off through work for about 10 years, but it was only then that we were both single at the same time, spent a bit of time together "as friends" and hit it off.  We are very similar, and there is no pretence on either side.  We can (and do) share everything - something I've never had before - and are equals in the relationship (except he can't cook, but I'll let him off 

I know someone c.50 year old who was looking for a younger woman, but it was definitely due to him wanting kids and knowing that someone the same age would rule that out.  (he's found a lovely late thirties lady, who suits him very well)

28/09/2010 at 12:22
Lee the Pea wrote (see)

BDB, being an emotional 'flatliner' can be a bit hard going sometimes; I'd also prefer someone who is passionate and a bit fiery, and not someone who just agrees all the time, or goes along with everyone else.  People pleasers are great to an extent, but just miss that certain something.

Yes, you're right.  If that's ok with you? 

I wouldn't say say I'm a flat-liner, but I'm not one to scream and shout.

I have changed over the past couple of years though and have a much better idea of what I'm not prepared to put up with now.

28/09/2010 at 12:24
Lee the Pea wrote (see)


...or maybe he's just been really hurt in the past and is scared of getting hurt again?  Happens easily.  It is hard to put yourself out there if you've been slated in the past


It could certainly be that, though if it was,  Nam would probably know. 

For that, Susan Anderson's "Journey from heartbreak to connection" is a good process for some people, but different things work for different people. 

The one I like is Roye Fraser's "generative imprint" process and its descendant, Joseph Riggio's "mythogenic self" process -- but then again, you need to know the person. These are rather "inwards" approaches that repel some people, Popsiders "get a good seeing to" process is also highly regarded in the therapy world.

28/09/2010 at 12:27
Maybe a good seeing to should be available on the NHS?  Probably work out cheaper than a course of counselling.
Lee the Pea    pirate
28/09/2010 at 12:32
Badly Drawn Bloke wrote (see)
Lee the Pea wrote (see)

BDB, being an emotional 'flatliner' can be a bit hard going sometimes; I'd also prefer someone who is passionate and a bit fiery, and not someone who just agrees all the time, or goes along with everyone else.  People pleasers are great to an extent, but just miss that certain something.

Yes, you're right.  If that's ok with you? 


Hahahaha, yeah i'll let you off   I suppose i'm thinking about a friend of mine who is a lovely guy, but nothing seems to bother him enough to provoke a heightened emotional response.  Maybe I shouldn't critisise someone who doesn't get angry, but it just seems....odd & unnatural.  Possibly because it makes me think that if someone doesn't respond emotionally in everyday life, they might not respond in the bedroom (or kitchen or sofa or in a tree, or wherever the hell you fancy it) and that would be a shame.  I like the passionate ones   

Hmm, I need a man....

Lee the Pea    pirate
28/09/2010 at 12:35
Badly Drawn Bloke wrote (see)
Maybe a good seeing to should be available on the NHS?  Probably work out cheaper than a course of counselling.

Hahahahaha.  I can see the headlines now "Tory Cutbacks Result in NHS Rogering"
28/09/2010 at 12:39
Lol - or the an NHS financial statement "We're f**ked"
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