Crap at relationships

The One and Only XFR Bear wrote (see)

My impression is that they're few and far between, and if they do they often have "issues" that get in the way of a relationship.

Yes. Spot on, women with personality issues are drawn to guys like that 

The One and Only XFR Bear wrote (see)

It's crap though, he's either got to fake a "bad boy" personality or stay single.  

No, a thousand times no.

Faking personality is what he's *already* doing that causes the problem,

Sorry, you got me on my hot topic here.......

Getting into one Pops.  Women just want to be friends, see him as a 'brother' figure (which kind of means 'asexual' right?).  He is simply just shy and massively uncomfortable of putting himself out there. 

As an example re confidence and exuding a lil bit of sexy... once a year him and I go on his annual clothes shop which he finds the most painful experience ever, it is to be endured breifly rather than enjoyed...  He will always, year after year, pick largely the same things in the same colours (navy, brown & green, maybe grey but not too light) and there will be trousers (not too tight...), shirts (not too colourful), shoos (comfy loafers... brown...)...  I picked out a simple black poloneck once and he recoiled in horror saying "it's a bit too trendy for me"...  I swear, if he could make himself disappear he would!

I think he's really scared to let his hair down, I have never seen him drunk in all the years I have known him and he hates being around drunk people.  I have never seen him dance and doubt I ever will.

He's a diamond of solidity and friendship (my longest ever friend) and he'd make someone a great hubby, and I think once he'd found someone he trusted there is a naughty side that could be discovered... but his problem is he just can't show it and women just see him as "just a friend"... 

MikeFrog Justgiving.com/MikeforCrisis wrote (see)

The One and Only XFR Bear wrote (see)

My impression is that they're few and far between, and if they do they often have "issues" that get in the way of a relationship.

Yes. Spot on, women with personality issues are drawn to guys like that 

Nam wrote (see)

Mike I know what you mean and I can see the sense of the biological 'instinct' behind it... I just don't know what the solution would be for him... short of "be more of an arse"!? 

There must be women out there who would like a guy who is caring, humble, educated, funny, ethical, etc etc just doesn't do the "treat them mean keep them keen" thing? 

Nam wrote (see)

 I swear, if he could make himself disappear he would!

I think he's really scared  

Of what?

edit: sorry, no, i must stop this, he's not here and has not consented to this.

But yes I've advised plenty like that.

edit...

MikeFrog Justgiving.com/MikeforCrisis wrote (see)

edit: sorry, no, i must stop this, he's not here and has not consented to this.

But yes I've advised plenty like that.

yeah I agree...    would be curious what you'd advise tho...  I think I'm too close to be objective...

MikeFrog Justgiving.com/MikeforCrisis wrote (see)

The One and Only XFR Bear wrote (see)

It's crap though, he's either got to fake a "bad boy" personality or stay single.  

No, a thousand times no.

Faking personality is what he's *already* doing that causes the problem,

Sorry, you got me on my hot topic here.......

Well I don't know the guy Mike, and as far as I know neither do you.  But what's he faking - to me it sounds like he's just showing his natural caring, ethical side.  I don't see anything fake about that.

Unless you mean he's faking because he's not showing his sexual side immediately?  But then again some people are a bit more subtle than showing everything up front, doesn't mean they're faking.

That kind of shyness/social phobia can be crippling.     Having self confidence is such an important thing.  I know it's not easy if you have that as a personality trait but like I told my daughter last year when she was sad because she hadn't scored a goal all season - well you never have a shot do you - you always leave it to the other players.    

At some point he has to start approaching women, or at least respond when they approach him, or else he'll live and die with that having beaten him.    My mate was the same - he was over 40 when he had his first girlfriend - just through being awkward with women.    I even saw women invite him back to theirs and he would make an excuse (work in the morning or something!).     

True though this kind of phobia - because I think that's what it is -  can be selective.  

Some people are very shy around women, or maybe unfamiliar social settings, but can be quite assertive in other surroundings.     I've know social extroverts who would panic if they were asked to get up and give a lecture in front of say 100 people, and some very shy people who are happy in that situation.    Some people who would stand up to a physical threat without fear but who are reduced to a nervous wreck at the thought of going into a school to complain about a teacher.    

candy ollier wrote (see)

either that, bear, or you could just get a balaclava and hide in the bushes

MikeFrog Justgiving.com/MikeforCrisis wrote (see)

candy ollier wrote (see)

either that, bear, or you could just get a balaclava and hide in the bushes

It's my understanding that bear does all right, so they say

Nam wrote (see)

He's actually perfectly appropriately assertive in any other aspect in life, by no means a walk over when it comes to normal life stuff like dealing with authorities etc... he's not 'scared' of women either... they just don't 'fancy' him. 

MikeFrog Justgiving.com/MikeforCrisis wrote (see)

Nam wrote (see)

He's actually perfectly appropriately assertive in any other aspect in life, by no means a walk over when it comes to normal life stuff like dealing with authorities etc... he's not 'scared' of women either... they just don't 'fancy' him. 

Yeah, that fits. With such a person, I'd be asking questions about their childhood...

...or maybe he's just been really hurt in the past and is scared of getting hurt again?  Happens easily.  It is hard to put yourself out there if you've been slated in the past

Or of course it could be that due to lack of confidence with regards to women, and not a lot of success on that front, that he just assumes women won't fancy him, so maybe unconsciously has become sort of asexual? This will mean women maybe are less likely to fancy him?

popsider wrote (see)

It's nothing a good seeing to wouldn't sort out. 

Aye, true enough.  You can't beat a really good shag with someone you're into

BDB, being an emotional 'flatliner' can be a bit hard going sometimes; I'd also prefer someone who is passionate and a bit fiery, and not someone who just agrees all the time, or goes along with everyone else.  People pleasers are great to an extent, but just miss that certain something.