Crap at relationships

MadameO wrote (see)

 I'm not saying I have a romantic ideal or anything, just that if I do it again it has to feel right. I don't want mind games, or that sense that I/they want something other than what we are.

I had a couple of "mind games" type relationships after 1st marriage broke up.  God, they are hard work!  They did sort of leave me in a "I need to be in a relationship to be happy" frame of mind afterwards though.  Took a couple of years of being single to get me through that.  I can remember coming down the stairs one morning, realising I had a good job, a nice house, a few good friends and was fit and healthy, and deciding that I was ok on my own.  My only regret would be that I never had kids.

About a month later, my now husband and father of my daughter and I got together.  We'd known each other on and off through work for about 10 years, but it was only then that we were both single at the same time, spent a bit of time together "as friends" and hit it off.  We are very similar, and there is no pretence on either side.  We can (and do) share everything - something I've never had before - and are equals in the relationship (except he can't cook, but I'll let him off 

I know someone c.50 year old who was looking for a younger woman, but it was definitely due to him wanting kids and knowing that someone the same age would rule that out.  (he's found a lovely late thirties lady, who suits him very well)

Lee the Pea wrote (see)

BDB, being an emotional 'flatliner' can be a bit hard going sometimes; I'd also prefer someone who is passionate and a bit fiery, and not someone who just agrees all the time, or goes along with everyone else.  People pleasers are great to an extent, but just miss that certain something.

Yes, you're right.  If that's ok with you? 

I wouldn't say say I'm a flat-liner, but I'm not one to scream and shout.

I have changed over the past couple of years though and have a much better idea of what I'm not prepared to put up with now.

Lee the Pea wrote (see)

...or maybe he's just been really hurt in the past and is scared of getting hurt again?  Happens easily.  It is hard to put yourself out there if you've been slated in the past

It could certainly be that, though if it was,  Nam would probably know. 

For that, Susan Anderson's "Journey from heartbreak to connection" is a good process for some people, but different things work for different people. 

The one I like is Roye Fraser's "generative imprint" process and its descendant, Joseph Riggio's "mythogenic self" process -- but then again, you need to know the person. These are rather "inwards" approaches that repel some people, Popsiders "get a good seeing to" process is also highly regarded in the therapy world.

Badly Drawn Bloke wrote (see)

Lee the Pea wrote (see)

BDB, being an emotional 'flatliner' can be a bit hard going sometimes; I'd also prefer someone who is passionate and a bit fiery, and not someone who just agrees all the time, or goes along with everyone else.  People pleasers are great to an extent, but just miss that certain something.

Yes, you're right.  If that's ok with you? 

Hahahaha, yeah i'll let you off   I suppose i'm thinking about a friend of mine who is a lovely guy, but nothing seems to bother him enough to provoke a heightened emotional response.  Maybe I shouldn't critisise someone who doesn't get angry, but it just seems....odd & unnatural.  Possibly because it makes me think that if someone doesn't respond emotionally in everyday life, they might not respond in the bedroom (or kitchen or sofa or in a tree, or wherever the hell you fancy it) and that would be a shame.  I like the passionate ones   

Hmm, I need a man....

Badly Drawn Bloke wrote (see)

Maybe a good seeing to should be available on the NHS?  Probably work out cheaper than a course of counselling.

I don't think over-analysing relationships leads anywhere other than to a therapist's couch/divorce court myself.

I mean, look at Woody Allen - he married his own daughter!

Lee the Pea wrote (see)

Hmm, I need a man....

Lol Cake - should I be worried?

Anyway, I'm not exactly eligible at the mo.  Skint guys aren't exactly snapped up, apart from by peeps who maybe allow themselves to be used and I'm too much of a gent for that.

Go on Schmunks ... give us your insight

I am liking the idea of the NHS but .... if it's like most of the NHS there's no choice and gawd only knows what you'd end up having your 15 minute appointment with!  Think this is one instance where 'going private' is definitely the best option.

Interesting stuff on the lack of emotional response.  I think you need a bit of emotional fall in/fall out in a relationship.  I'd not want an all out war (that's my day job) but completely passive people do my head in ... oh, you decide ... do whatever you want .. I'm not bothered ... it's one step away from the teenage 'whatever' response.  I can do reasoned discussion without drama/crisis/flouncing ...although those are available on request

Tickled Pink wrote (see)

Go on Schmunks ... give us your insight

I am liking the idea of the NHS but .... if it's like most of the NHS there's no choice and gawd only knows what you'd end up having your 15 minute appointment with!  Think this is one instance where 'going private' is definitely the best option.

You mean brothels?!

Don't worry BDB, you needn't fear me, i'm an angel really

I had ups & downs last year relationship wise, so i've given up on them and thought i'd concentrate on training and living my own life this year; don't have time to date anyway

Hmm - interesting about the emotional flatline, I think as I've matured I tend to react less emotionally to stuff.  That doesn't mean I don't care, just that I choose what to take a stand on and let go things that aren't that important.

I'm interested in this mythogenic self thing Mike, heard the time a few years back (can't remember where) but never folowed it up.  Can you give us a quick prece?