Dads

Brooks, I don't necessarily agree with mum being more important.  My ego would have me believe that I'm the driving force with my kids but reality likes to kick us all up the arse now and again.

Not quite sure how to explain it from my point of view as its incredibly complicated but despite the faults of my ex, which are not insubstantial, my children see his former faults and understand that they are purely between him and I.  They are also able however to look beyond those faults and see that he adores them and would give his all to do right by them (regardless of how badly he conveys this).  I have never been made to feel that they're not safe with him and would never deny them the relationship they have with him (I would have left the area long ago if this were the case).  I'm also very lucky to have an incredibly sensitive OH who checks the balance between 'old school dad' and 'modern man' perfectly so the kids can see that its not all 'tackety bits and discipline' when it comes to being man of the house. 

I should add their dad tells them several times a day that he loves them and is way more cuddly and emotionally open than me although not necessarily emotionally responsive/intuative (there's a huge difference imo).  He's been quite ill lately which has been a huge worry for me as mum as I can see how much it distresses the kids.  I get angry sometimes as feel he should make an effort for them but he can't seem to break his self perpetuating cycle of laziness/over eating.  Ultimately though our kids will know that they have been loved by this man with faults, which I think is substantially more favourable than feeling the way I did throughout my entire childhood - completely irrelevant.  They also love the fact that he has way more computers/games consoles than me and can fix absolutely anything provided they help.

Dave The Ex- Spartan wrote (see)

LIVERBIRD wrote (see)

. If he turns out to be an arse, Mr LB is likely to kill him.

That assumes you know better than your kids, Shouldn't you hope that your parenting and education equips them to make their own decisions ?

I suspect most parents DO know more than their kids. They have the benefit of age, experience, objectivity and not being blinded by lust and hormones. Ultimately you can't choose their spouses for them and you DO have to let them get on with it, but trust me - watching your daughter choose the wrong man when you knew all along that he wasn't good for her is something my 87 year old grandmother still deals with on a daily basis and brings her regularly to tears. And she was a brilliant mother, with a fantastic husband who brought her kids up in tough times.

Kwilter with a K wrote (see)

...and that miss LB is straight...

LOL Kwilts! I can ABSOLUTELY confirm that youngest Miss LB is definitely into boys. You only have to see her look at Justin Beiber to see that...

Now ELDEST Miss LB doesn't bother with boys at all.

CD - I automatically pass all "fixing" stuff on to Mr LB! They hero worship him for being able to "fix" stuff!

It's great that their dad tells them he loves them. My dad went through my entire childhood without saying it once. I was 22 when I married and it was the first time that I'd ever heard him say he was "very proud" of me. I used to bring him home report cards with grade A's across the board and they'd disappear into his cupboard. He'd say nothing to me.

I only found out years later that he'd take them to work to show off to his friends. Not ONCE did he show that he was pleased with me and all I was trying to do was get some affirmation from him.

Now he's very sick and he's mellowed like Nam's dad. He regularly says "I love you" and he's much more open with his feelings. It repaired all the years of him NOT saying it. He's a messed up, wounded, and slightly crazy individual but he's MY dad and I guess I won't be getting another.

Relationships are bloody complicated, aren't they?

And I love the sound of your OH. He is definitely a keeper!

I think the role of parents is to advise and guide their kids - and that includes telling them when they're being a bit of an arse and advising them against/in favour of a course of action. That's part of being a dad to me.

It's particularly important when they are U18 - when they're older you may have to be more diplomatic about advice, bearing in mind they are now adults, but keeping mum about them doing something daft means you acquiesce or condone what they may be doing and that's not good parenting in my view. Other views are available, although they'e wrong, obviousy.

I'll let you know when I'm dealing with my 18 year olds JB!

I remember the mantra "You'll do as you're told until you're 18" being drummed into me as a kid.

I turned 18 and the mantra simply changed to "as long as you're under my roof"

I left pretty soon afterwards and the feeling of freedom, even now twenty years later when I point out to my mum that I'm 38 and I'll do what I bloody well like is GREAT!