Dealing with a cantankerous spouse

Strategies for reacting / coping in an assertive manner

21 to 35 of 35 messages
kittenkat    pirate
31/01/2013 at 19:16
fat buddha wrote (see)

he sounds like the sort of fella who is unlikely to change his attitudes now - he's stubborn and set in his ways.

it could also be that he is being like that as he is trying to force the issue from his side??  maybe he's not happy and wants to break but he doesn't know how to do this so is making your life hell with the hope that you will walk

just a thought

You said that spot on (if it is indeed that, but we can never know).

I've always found that these sort of threads draw sympathy to the OP because they are obviously upset and suffering; but very few people post in the objective rather than siding with the poster knowing nothing of the other side of the conversation. If I posted that my husband was a bastard, most people would say he was a bastard.

There are no answers to be found online, but there is sympathy and support.

kittenkat    pirate
31/01/2013 at 19:20

And I mean it's good that there is sympathy and support... If the OP is right.

OW
31/01/2013 at 20:28

You've given him an ultimatum and he hasn't changed. He knows he can get away with this. You have accepted it and he knows it. You are now his (verbal) punch bag.

 

DtS had it right in the first response to you.

I suspect you will stay... making excuses (he's tired/depressed/stressed/I wound him up)   One day you will have forgotten what it is like to have self esteem. You'll just expect to be treated badly (you are halway there already).

 

Life is too short. Leave and be happy. You have no happy future with him. For gawd sake don't have children with him either. Guaranteed he will ramp up the abuse then

OW
31/01/2013 at 20:43

D used to laugh at me. It worked.

31/01/2013 at 21:31

Was there possibly some doubts before getting married?

Is there the possibility that your OH feels he may have made a mistake?

Edited: 31/01/2013 at 22:07
01/02/2013 at 11:06

First of all, thank you for the many replies and advice - I'm quite overwhelmed by how many people have offered advice - thank you very much.

KK - you are  right - I know online forums aren't the best sources of councilling, but I wanted to hear from other runners who had been in a similar position to me, as it had started to effect my running. My family all live far away & parents are currently going through a rough patch with ill health, so I didnt feel I could approach my mum as I'd usually do.

RicF - yes I nearly called off marriage due to arguements about our parents, but thought he was just getting stressed about the wedding (even though he'd done sweet FA to organise it!)

OW - that's right I do use excuses for him. I know he has anger / depression issues & am worried what he'd do if I left him. I have tried to help him but he wont listen. I used to work in research in a psychiatric setting, so had access to all the help we needed, but he didn't acknowledge he had a problem, rather turned it around and said I was the one with a mental health problem, and that I was 'crazy' In arguements he would say: 'there's something wrong with you'  & that did upset me & I started to think maybe I was the one at fault. I think the very fact I'm analysing these situations & am quite self aware, means that is probably not true.

Quite right, my username is LTS because I honestly think life does pass by too quickly, but there's a big difference between thinking & acting - I know I lack the confidence to 'act' with intention and that change has to come from me.

 

I got shouted at yesterday when I told him I'm running a race 15 miles away on Sunday, as it was a 'waste of petrol'. It's a good course & I know I'd enjoy it, hence why I entered it. I could understand his viewpoint if it was 100 miles away, but not 15. Again the domineering / controlling side is coming through as it's expected that i'll let him sit & watch 4-5 hours of rugby this weekend, but I'm not allowed to run a race.

To me the answer is now clear, especially as I'm now shouted at on a daily basis - I can't continue living like this and so changes need to be made.

Thank you for taking the time to read my thread and offer advice & support. Sometimes you need that final 'push' to act. (BTW - I hadnt meant this to be a thread for me to vent my anger about my husband, but I do admit, I feel better for posting, so thank you)

01/02/2013 at 11:34
Best of luck..
01/02/2013 at 11:35

As above, good luck. It takes courage to make the right decision sometimes.

01/02/2013 at 12:04

Yes, good luck with whatever decision you come to.

I think, in situations like your own, it becomes easy to believe that the unhappiness you feel is just part of the "normal ups and downs" of any relationship, when actually it's not.

It's not 'normal' if you're constantly having to watch what you do or say, or make excuses for him. Normal relationships are not like that.

 

01/02/2013 at 14:48

Julie - you've hit the nail on the head. Completely true!

I try to look at things objectively and always consider the good in people too. Mind you,  getting upset every single day & constantly treading on eggshells is not normal...I'd expect it say once a month. I'm not even allowed to hoover in case I scratch the walls he painted 3 months ago. I despair!!

Parents are coming to visit in a few weeks (staying in a guest house) which is making me feel better already.

Thanks again for the advice/replies. Have a good weekend.

01/02/2013 at 15:38

You're worried what he'd do if you left him!!

To you or himself?

01/02/2013 at 16:26

I'm not even allowed to hoover in case I scratch the walls he painted 3 months ago.

Really !?   This might be a little too personal but what on earth attracted you to someone like that in the first place ?   

If I were you I'd arrange a weekend away with some of your mates - maybe to do an overseas marathon or something if you have running mates - something to look forward to without him so you can enjoy yourself.    

seren nos    pirate
01/02/2013 at 16:41

LTS..........I'm all for working through rough patches in a relationship as stress can affect both sides differently.......

but some of the things you mention are a little worrying........

my first marriage didn't last many years.probably lasted longer than it should have as i really believed that marriage was for life and i felt ashamed to admit to everyone that i made a mistake.....I thought that i could cope with it for the rest of my life.,.....

luckily i came to my senses and left and was divorced by 23.........

my second marriage hasn't always been a bed of roses but we have worked at it and I'm still happy to work on it after 20 years......

you need some time on your own to work out whether this is really what you want.only you can discover honestly deep down if this is worth fighting for or worth admitting defeat on 

 

 take care

Edited: 01/02/2013 at 16:41
01/02/2013 at 18:52

My partner never liked my running to begin with, but in time she learned to accept it, and i have always worked around her, giving her time to do her things. It has to be give and take, but i would say in your case he is just take, take and take. That is a relationship, it has to be a partnership where you work together, while flying solo in your own goals, which the other should respect, and hopefully support, even if they find it boring. My partner has only once attended one of my races, but she always asks how the race went.Thats the difference.

01/02/2013 at 21:51
popsider wrote (see)

 

   This might be a little too personal but what on earth attracted you to someone like that in the first place ?   

 

Reminded me of an article in some broadsheet magazine supplement where a women was describing the tumoil and confusion of dealing with a marriage breakdown.

He's leaving, he's staying. I'm leaving, I'm staying. He said this, that and the other. Did this, that and the other. It was a right mess. But do you know what? The whole time while going through all this, they were still shagging the arse off each other at every turn.

They weren't going to give that bit up any time soon.

Edited: 02/02/2013 at 06:47

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