Favourite joke

This is mine (at the mo)

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31/07/2010 at 09:58
Madlot wrote (see)

Ive got a joke for ya

 3 tortoises - Jim, Ray & Geoff go for a picnic 10 miles from where they live. It takes them 10 days to get there but when they do they find they have forgotten the bottle opener.

Jim and Ray ask Geoff to fetch it, Geoff says "fuck off, by the time I get back you'll have eaten the all the sarnies!" Jim and Ray promise not to eat them so Geoff agrees to go.

10 days pass & Geoff has not returned. 20 days pass & he has still not returned & Jim & Ray are fucking starving but keep their promise not to eat the sandwiches. 25 days pass & Jim and Ray say

"fuck it, we're gonna starve if we dont eat" They start to eat the sandwiches & Geoff jumps from behind a rock & shouts

" I fuckin knew it you bastards, Im not going now!"

I've posted this before but i like it.
31/07/2010 at 11:11

What's 12" long and hangs in front of an arsehole?

Jonathon Ross's tie.

31/07/2010 at 12:09
?2 nuns in a bath
One says "where's the soap"
The other says "yes it does does'nt it........."
31/07/2010 at 12:11
I was standing at the cash point and an old lady asked me to check her balance for her, so i pushed her over.........
31/07/2010 at 18:17

I had a water fight with some kids across the park today.
I won.
No one beats me and my kettle.

01/08/2010 at 15:32
Nice one Sarah. pmsl
01/08/2010 at 15:44

2 nuns riding their bikes down a cbbled street.

The first one says "I've never come this way before."

To which the second nun replies "I know, it's the cobbles."

02/08/2010 at 15:39

Did you hear about the scarecrow who got an award? He was outstanding in his field.

02/08/2010 at 16:30
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
03/08/2010 at 09:52
Doctor rings the husband of a patient and explains
"your wife is here and I'm afraid there has been a mix up with her test results so we don't know if she's got Alzheimer's or Aids"
The man replies "what the hell am I suppose to do now then?"
The doctor answers "I'm going to put her on the wrong bus, if she finds her way home don't shag her"
03/08/2010 at 14:40

Little Billy squirming in his classroom chair...

Miss...Miss...MISS...do farts come in lumps?

Teacher replies "no Billy they certainly do not"

Billy......I think I've s*** me pants then miss.    

03/08/2010 at 18:38

Paddy and Murphy are walking along the road when they find two bombs.

Paddy says "I'll take them to the police station."

Murphy replies "But what if one of them blows up Paddy?"

To which Paddy replies "Don't worry. If that happens, I'll tell 'em we only found one."

03/08/2010 at 21:38

If you run behind the car you'll get exhausted.

Then again, if you run in front of the car you'll get tired.

03/08/2010 at 21:42
Two old ladies saw a man flashing his bits in the park. One of them had a stroke!!! The other one didn't quite reach.
Edited: 03/08/2010 at 21:43
06/08/2010 at 10:18

whats the differance between 'Iron Man' and 'Iron Women'?

iron man is a superhero.....................

iron women is an instruction

06/08/2010 at 15:25

I still enjoy regular sex at 78. It's quite convenient as I live at number 76.

06/08/2010 at 15:34

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the oven until its Bill Withers.

06/08/2010 at 15:42

Knock knock
Who's there?
Nobody
Nobody who?

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06/08/2010 at 15:50
Did you hear about the pirate who kept a zebra as a pet? He called it "Spot"
06/08/2010 at 16:00

A man goes to the vet, "I think my goldfish has got epilepsy"

The vet looks at it, "It looks alright to me"

The man replies, "I haven't taken it out of the water yet"

1 to 20 of 143 messages
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