Friday Joke

17 messages
Tommygun2    pirate
14/06/2013 at 14:16

One day, Miss Finch was giving the class a lesson on grammar. "I want someone to use the word brilliant, in the same sentence twice"

"My father bought my brilliant mother a brilliant dress", said Little Mary.

"My mother planned a brilliant banquet and turned out brilliantly", said Little Jack.

Then Little Johnny spoke up, "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my dad that she was pregnant. He said, 'Brilliant, just fucking brilliant!"

Tommygun2    pirate
14/06/2013 at 14:23

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the 
ball into the woods. 

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog 
in a trap. 


The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I  will
grant you three wishes." 
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 

"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your
wishes. 

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times of it!"
The woman 
said, "That's okay." 

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most 
beautiful woman in the world. 
The frog warned her, "You do
realize that this 
wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in
the world, an Adonis 
whom women will floc to". 
The woman replied,
"That's okay, because I will 
be the most beautiful woman and he will have
eyes only for me." 
So, KAZAM- 
she's the most beautiful Woman in the
world! 

For her second wish, she 
wanted to be the richest woman in
the world. 
The frog said, "That will make 
your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than
you. "  
The woman
said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's 
his is mine." 

So, KAZAM- she's the richest woman in the world! 

The 
frog then
inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like to have a 
mild
heart attack." 

Moral of the story: 
Women are cleve r. Don't  mess with them. 

Attention 
female readers: 

This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue 
feeling
good 

Male 

readers: Please scroll down. 


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The man had a heart attac ten
times 
"milder" than his wife!!! 


Moral of the story 
Women are really dumb but think
they're really smart 



Let them
continue to think that way and just enjoy the show 


PS: If you are a woman and are still
reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!! 


You can forward
this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good
sense of humour

Tommygun2    pirate
14/06/2013 at 14:29

The are 2 cats on a beach on the south English coast. One is English - it's called One Two Three. The other is French - it's called Un Deux Trois. They are having a argument over who is the better swimmer, and they decide to have a race across The Channel to France to find the answer. So on the count of 3, they are off. After much paddling, One Two Three reaches France. He looks around the beach, and can't see Un Deux Trois anywhere. He asks another cat he sees on the beach about Un Deux Trois and this cat turns to him, puts his little paw around One Two Three's shoulder and says, "Sorry mate, but Un Deux Trois cat sank."

14/06/2013 at 14:39

( groans)

Tommygun2    pirate
14/06/2013 at 15:45

One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike "My elbow hurts like hell. I
suppose I'd better see a Doctor!"
Listen, don't waste your time down at the
surgery," Mike replies
'There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy.

Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and
what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot
quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points".

So
Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He
deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer
ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid
heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while
thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the
computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog,
urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the
mixture for good measure.
Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what
would happen. He deposited five pounds, poured in his concoction, and awaited
the results.
The computer whirred for a little longer than he expected then
printed the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water
softener.
2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet
3) Your dog has
ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
4) Your daughter has a cocaine
habit. Get her into rehab.
5) Your wife is pregnant with twins; they aren't
yours. Get a lawyer.

...
6) And if you don't stop playing with
yourself, your elbow will never get better...

Thank you for shopping at
Tesco.

Tommygun2    pirate
14/06/2013 at 15:53

Yes I am bored at work just counting down the time untill I go home

14/06/2013 at 16:04

What's the difference between a Scotsman and Walt Disney?

A Scotsman wears a kilt, but Walt Dis'nee! 

14/06/2013 at 16:14

What's E.T. short for?

 

'cos he's only got little legs.

14/06/2013 at 16:15

One man drank H2O, and another drank H2O too.

The second one died.

Tommygun2    pirate
14/06/2013 at 16:23

A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy
blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather
taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he
can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know
me?"
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of
one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has
been unfaithful, he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I
shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped
me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my rear?"

"No", she
replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher".

Tommygun2    pirate
14/06/2013 at 16:24

A sweet little girl is out in the back garden, digging a big deep hole.
A
neighbour looks over the fence and says:
“Why are you digging that big deep
hole?”
“My goldfish died,” the sweet little girl says, with a sob.
“I'm
really sorry to hear that,” the neighbour says,
“but why such a big deep hole
for a goldfish?”
The little girl gives him an evil look. “Because it's inside
your fucking cat.”

Tommygun2    pirate
14/06/2013 at 16:27

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on
it.
I thought...
that's Abboriginal.

kittenkat    pirate
14/06/2013 at 16:32
Barkles wrote (see)

( groans)

That's your age, how about responding to the joke?

Tommygun2    pirate
14/06/2013 at 16:40

I rear-ended a car this morning …

I tell you, I knew right then and
there that it was going to be a REALLY bad day.
The driver got out of the
other car, and wouldn't you know it! He was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and
said, "I'm NOT f***ing happy!"
So I said, "Which f***ing one ARE you then?"


That's how the fight started...

18/06/2013 at 12:17

The board at NUFC....

Tommygun2    pirate
18/06/2013 at 12:33
Barkles wrote (see)

The board at NUFC....

LOL not just a joke on a friday, but sat sun mon ......

18/06/2013 at 12:55

The gift that keeps on giving!


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