Military Wisdom

some classics among the quotes!

9 messages
M...eldy    pirate
29/01/2006 at 19:47
"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
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"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
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"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
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"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
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"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
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"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
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"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
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"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."
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"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
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"If your attack is going too well, your walking into an ambush."
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"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."
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"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him
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"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
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"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
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M...eldy    pirate
29/01/2006 at 19:48
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
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"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
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"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
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"Never trade luck for skill."
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"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
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"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
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"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."
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"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
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"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
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Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."
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"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum."
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"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."
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"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
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"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
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Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."
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"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.
29/01/2006 at 20:13
lol melds

"all recruits are orrible little men -even the women" -only example I cxan think of:o-
29/01/2006 at 22:06
Meldy..I was in minesweepers for eight years... a triumph of optimism over experience (actually said by Dr, Johnson describing a man who marries twice!!)

Royal Navy Fleet Chief Gunnery Instructor (God in a peaked cap and gaiters)to Royal Naval Reserve (civilian weekend warriors) officers...


I call you sir, you call me sir the difference is you mean it.

Can we have our Navy back when you've finished playing with it.

A ship is a hole in the sea, lined with wood.

If all else fails read the F@@@ing instructions

Officers don't come they arrive













Nicko. Hdau    pirate
29/01/2006 at 22:19
GIs had nice lovely shiny noisy boots at Ganges, and were evil bastards. Specialy on 9s ;-( Ok it wasnt my fault it was his ???? Awol only slightly, honest.
29/01/2006 at 22:29
I was never at Ganges but Whale Island was an experience.

RN GIs didn't know what to make of us RNR subbies who were all older and much brighter than their RN equivalent (and all volunteers)

I recall one instance when a patronising little RN snot asked somebody what they did in the Navy..he replied Just the same as you but I have a proper job during the day...bliss.

30/01/2006 at 16:09
In a similar vein ...........

FLIGHT REQUIREMENTS

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their jobs.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.



P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

30/01/2006 at 16:17
<>Army Official Voice Mail Message
Thank you for calling the British Army. I'm sorry, but all of our units are either out, financially embarrassed, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message stating your country, organisation, region, the specific crisis, and a number at which we can call you. You will have to accept reverse charges as were are strapped for cash. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Northern Ireland, the Millennium Bug, marching up and down bits of tarmac in London and compulsory Equal Opportunities training, we will return your call.
Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to the following numbers.

If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press 1 for the Royal Marines.

If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate and good hotels and can be solved by 1 or 2 low risk bombing runs, please press
Hash&1 for the Royal Air Force.
Please note this service is not available after 1630 hrs, or at weekends.

If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of Grey funnel, bunting, flags or a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to the First Sea Lord, The Admiralty, Whitehall.

If your enquiry is not urgent, please press 2 for the Allied Rapid Reaction Corps.

If you are in real hot trouble please press 3 and your call will be routed to Sandline International.

If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, have premature arthritis, be paid little for protecting your countrymen or any other sponging foreigner that seeks asylum here, put your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from civilisation, be prepared to work your **** off daily, risking your life in all weathers and terrain, both day and night, whilst watching the Treasury eroding your original terms and conditions of service, then please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be connected to a bitter passed-over Recruiting Sergeant in a grotty shop, down by the railway station.

Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the British Army
30/01/2006 at 16:18
The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used
for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are
actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- I would not breed from this Officer.
- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been,
but more of a definitely won't-be.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there.
- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire
satisfaction.
- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
- Technically sound, but socially impossible.
- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around
at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then
he has aged considerably.
- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to
port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them.
- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorised to fly below 250 feet.
- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap
- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- Only occasionally wets himself under pressure

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