Runner's World novel.

claimed that he was the mother of Molly, A product of a brief liason between herself and Bert, (you do remember Bert don't you?) before she (that is Kevin) decided live the rest of her life dressed as a male. (Kevin was formerly known as squiggle). Anyway, shocked at this revelation the couple...

decided to make the most of it and have a cup of tea before...

.....she went shopping again.

He went up to the bedroom as he did every Tuesday afternoon and waited....... he heard HER footsteps on the stairs and the creak of the bedroom door, he knew it was wrong but he was a man and men have their needs. She straddled his loins carelessly and he could feel her warmth. He closed his eyes and her tongue searched for his but only moistened his lips before teasing his ears and lobes. "You bitch" he cried for he liked to talk dirty. She rubbed her body on his purposefully. He knew her scent would be on his body and the bedclothes. Suddenly the key turned in the front door, she had returned early! His eyes opened wide in alarm and saw HER eyes alerted by the sound, she threw her hair back and leaped off the bed quickly and scampered downstairs for her Tuesday bone. 

Unfortunately when mother got to the cupboard it was bare and the poor little doggy had none.  Looking aghast she thought why do I always look aghast why can't I look.........................................

like Angelina Jolie, and more to the point, why can't I have a man who looks like Brad Pitt? 

She sighed. It was a sigh of deep longing, but unfortunately it was mistaken for an asthmatic wheeze and the next thing she knew.............

Dot, her friendly next door neighbour who had popped round for her morning coffee, had mother on her back desperately spraying ventolin from her inhaler into the back of mothers throat ..... however in her rush Dot instead of picking up the inhaler had mistakenly picked up the .....

hairspray she had been planning to use in an attempt to perfect an Amy Winehouse style bouffant. As she sprayed liberal amounts down the throat of the now choking woman, she found her thoughts drifting back to August 12th, 1976. It had been an usually cool Thursday.........

Which as the rest of the summer had been full of long hot sunny days, we used to get before global warming had been invented was disapointing as she had planned to go frolicking in the summer meadows with her girl hood pal Hanz, deciding instead to go to the pictures to see the newly released Saturday Night..........................

Fever, however the slightly unseasonal chang ein the weather must have distracted them for after they sat down in the drakened auditorium, they found themselves staring at the opening credits for The Omen, when out of the blue ....

Satan appeared before them. In fact, it wasn't Satan. It was an usher who had won an employment tribunal (they had them back then, didn't they?) to support his right to dress as prescribed by his religion. Satanism was all the rage (literally and metaphorically), but his true motivation for the red satin outfit was that he just loved the feel of the smooth fabric against his skin. It sent shudders of pleasure through his...............

...pheasants for it was of course the Glorious Twelfth and these game birds were ready to defy the beaters of the heather and soar high beyond the rain clouds and over the rainbow where there was blue sky because they could see clearly now the rain had gone....... 

...there''ll be blue skies over the white cliffs of Dover. As the planes came thunderring in from their final mission oversees the pilot of the tail plane thought...

"Ooh, that stretch of water looks nice. I wonder what would happen if I slathered myself in lard and tried to swim in it?"

And so the cross-channel swim was born. Well, the concept of it was. The poor pilot met an unfortunate end 12 miles into the swim, when a spectre from beneath the water snuck up on him and...................

......was immediately thwarted by Illya Kuryakin because Napoleon Sol was otherwise occupied in a laundrette in New York City......

where he had gone because he had heard there was plenty of sex in the city, it turned out to be true, unfortunately it turned out that Miranda was a lesbian in real life and he was unlikely to get any more there than with Vera Lynn over those white cliffs, he turned his attention to..................................

Statue of Liberty. Now there was a real woman. Alas, what he didn't realise was that she was actually a Weeping Angel, and if you don't know what I'm talking about then shame on you. Doctor Who is an amazing show. So there.

I digress.

He looked up into the eyes of the statue, her beauty overwhelming, despite the pigeon crap that stood in neat little piles all over her shoulders. The Mayor of New York had been advised to purchase falcons to drive away the pigeons, but he was a tight bastard and had instead invested in.................

... a crack team of killer sloths ... he had often wondered why they were being sold cheap, and now the mounting piles of pigeon poo upon the statute were a constant reminder.

However the useless sloths soon disappeared from his thoughts, as his latest edition of "Killer Ungulates of the World" was placed upon his desk by his shapely secretary 'Brian' ... as he leafed aimlessly through its pages he ...

looked for a tax efficient investment which he hoped would provide the type of income he would need when the angel whisked him back in time to feed on the energy his being left behind. He turned, looked at the angel directly in the eye and pinned his NYC Marathon number on his resplendent hi tech T Shirt, pulled his low profile back to basic trainers and.....................................

Blinked.

In an instance he found himself in a strange and mysterious world inhabited by Morlocks and Eloi. This wasn't quite what he had expected. As he was dragged screaming into the underbelly of the dystopian hell, he wondered if he should have taken Brian up on his offer of dinner in the.....................

canteen. Afterall over cooked cabbage and salty gravy were a better prospect than a life of eternal nothingness awaiting only for his birth when he could eventually die.

He needed an escape plan, a fire extinguisher would be a good start, well, there should be one by the door, there has to be by law, he'd written the law. hang on, if he could write laws then all he needed was pen and paper (he had a pencil and handy dollar bill, that would have to do) he wrote his new law stating...