Secrets

Is this a surprise or do we all accept there must be some?

19 messages
02/08/2014 at 16:17

http://home.bt.com/lifestyle/family/married-couples-keeping-secrets-11363924042367

mmmmmmmm.........? Well?

I don't think I have any except deep regrets about a failed relationship prior to marriage. Perhaps my wife might want to think she was second choice and I would be history! By the way she is aware of the other girl.

 

 

02/08/2014 at 16:55

I think the only real secrets I have ever kept from partners have been ones that I've also been hiding from myself.  I guess I'm an open person and generally will discuss anything with anybody, and when something does get too personal I am more likely to say that I don't feel able to talk about it right now rather than pretend that something isn't there

I'm crap at keeping secrets about myself.  I refuse to talk about secrets that belong to a friend though

seren nos    pirate
02/08/2014 at 16:58

depends on what you call a secret.....

 

the fact I bought a litre of icecream when i went shopping and ate it all before they got home so i didn't have to share it..........

02/08/2014 at 19:29

I do accept that my wife may have some secret(s) that she will not share with me. She may not trust how I might interpret such news.

I recall an argument that partners who felt so bad about something and needed to unburden themselves to their other half, on grounds of being open and honest, were actually to be vilified for potentially destroying their other half's understanding of the stability and trust of the relationship in order to make themselves feel better.

I am OK with family "secrets". There are not many of which I am aware. I suspect that the ladies have some that they do not wish to burden me.

02/08/2014 at 20:35

I'm inclined to agree.

02/08/2014 at 20:37

I'm not saying.

02/08/2014 at 22:25

I don't think anything needs to be a secret in marriage, it all depends on the basis of that marriage.  For example, I don't think it's 'wrong' to have a bit of 'strange' in a marriage... so long as it's been agreed.  Not saying it's for me, but I wouldn't think poorly of a couple who had an open marriage.

No need for secrets about money, etc, either.  Be upfront and sort it out.  Keeping quiet won't fix it.

There's a time & place for truth and another for lying.

02/08/2014 at 22:49

In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max’s toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog…When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I went nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out…But the worst thing I ever done — I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa — and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.’

 

 

03/08/2014 at 06:54

A good relationship works when both sides know that there are historical secrets from before the couple met, but only enough to know not to pry for the details.  Just like a friendship.  I have friends that have been through things that they prefer not to talk about and as I have heard enough hints about them, I know to avoid those subjects unless they feel ready to talk.  If I was to push them then it would change and possibly destroy the friendship.  They trust me not to do that

03/08/2014 at 13:37
StopGenocideInGaza wrote (see)
Keeping some things to yourself and telling some lies are what make life, friendships and marriage work. If we were all honest all the time then we would either need to have a world without restrictions and taboos or a society where we were all perfect. As neither of the other world options are likely- then I think keeping certain things to yourself and telling occasional 'smoothing' lies is the way to go.

 

Screamapillar wrote (see)

I'm inclined to agree.


Tbh my immediate thoughts about the hyperlink item did not connect secrets with lies. If you have been asked outright about something and lied that is not a secret that is simply a lie. If it is a facet of your relationship it suggests behavioural deceit

My reading was that we have some knowledge that we dare not trust our other half will understand. It weighs heavily on our mind and do we have the character to keep it to ourselves or for some reason feel, at some point, we must share it with our other half. This might be something before or after our relationship started and might even concern family or friends. I am more inclined to SuperCaz response "I don't feel able to talk about it" if unfortunately the secret was threatened.

gingerfurball    pirate
04/08/2014 at 10:51
Schwarzwalder Kirschtorte wrote (see)

In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max’s toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog…When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I went nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out…But the worst thing I ever done — I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa — and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.’

 

 

Love the Goonies

04/08/2014 at 11:27

I'm estranged from my family and while I'm open about the fact the reasons are to a degree 'secret'. As a consequence of that several years ago I changed my name and moved from my hometown to London severing an awful lot of ties. I rarely discuss my 'old' life. My girlfriend doesn't pry, I open up occassionally and she knows some of the history - I don't see what's wrong with that?

That said I would never decieve her, I did once and have no desire to hurt her like that again.

04/08/2014 at 13:34

I considered keeping a sexual encounter secret from my wife (then girlfriend). In the end I came clean shortly after - Pardon the pun. had she found out any other way, that would have been it. Over. Kaput. 

I think you can have secrets. I don't think you can have shared secrets outside your relationship. That's proper betrayal.

04/08/2014 at 14:23

I suppose that some people are in School A...  that says 'some things are better left unsaid'   and some people from School B  cannot see how anything other than complete openness could be the basis for a strong marriage.

I suspect that both philosophies can work fine... the trouble comes when someone from School A marries someone from School B

(and to save you the trouble of posting...  yes, if you're still at school, you shouldn't really be getting married).

04/08/2014 at 14:27
I agree. Less important how you play it, so long as you're on the same page.
04/08/2014 at 16:32

I think there's a difference between having secrets and not telling everything (which is probably just what a lot of others have posted), as long as the reason for not telling is that it's just not that important.

My hubby and I got together when he was 39 and I was 34.  We'd both been married before, and had had several other relationships.  We both know the reasons behind the failed marriages, and are comfortable that all previous relationships are in the past and have no bearing on our marriage.  We don't need names, dates, etc. of them all (as one previous boyfriend of mine insisted on, until he was told in no uncertain terms the likelihood of me providing that information).

I did consider telling him when I bumped into an ex, who tried to give me his mobile number "in case I ever wanted to contact him".  Given that I was 6 months pregnant at the time, and that the chance of me contacting the ex were less than zero, I didn't say anything, on the basis that it would have lent more importance to the chance meeting than it meant to me.

Given the number of "offers" I had in my single days from married men, I suspect that the estimate of the number of couples harbouring guilty secrets may be on the light side.

04/08/2014 at 19:38

Yes Nessie! Something that fades into obscurity and becomes of little importance to you will not feel like a secret. There is no need to speak of it in any conversation.

Something that troubles and bothers you, or preys on your mind becomes a secret because it does so..

Of course there must be times when what seemed like a big deal is laughed off by the other half and when something trivial becomes a mountain. It is a case of knowing and trusting how your partner would react. 

05/08/2014 at 00:57

Nessie (and others)...  I absolutely love this track "Fascination"  by Everything But The Girl.  I prefer the album version, but this live version has such clear diction, you can hear every word... and it is poetry of the highest standard. 

 

05/08/2014 at 19:13

Nose Nowt

Lovely


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