Staying in contact with your ex partners.

Can that ever work?

1 to 20 of 76 messages
kittenkat    pirate
25/10/2011 at 09:37
I tend to cut all contact, although sometimes I think that's a shame... Well maybe, dunno. Thoughts?
25/10/2011 at 09:42

Personally, not generally - if the relationship broke down there was something fundamentally wrong in the first place.  I couldn't or would want to be "friends" with such a person.  Move on....

But I have to maintain contact with my childrens fathers.  Not always wanted to but we successfully managed it. Now my children are grown and have left home I still stay in contact both through our children and personally.  Hurt mellows with time and you can look back objectively and understand where it all went wrong.

25/10/2011 at 09:50

I keep in contact with one ex.  We were both young at the time and living with parents.  When the time came to start considering moving in together I realised that he would have wanted me to stay bare foot and pregnant, whereas at the time I wanted to be a career high flyer (OK, not to that extreme, but you get the gist).

We still get on great together, but I know that I could never live with him so it will never go any further.  I do have to be a little careful that Hubby doesn't get jealous which prevents me from seeing him too often, but that is probably a good thing as I could easily get caught up in having a good time with him and end up doing things that I would regret.

25/10/2011 at 09:58

I'm still on very good terms with two of my exes and pretty good terms, albeit distantly, with another.  I had one relationship that eventually ended on quite unfriendly terms, which was very sad as we'd been very close friends but maintaining that would have been impossible.  I honestly can't see how I'd be able to keep contact with Mr CD should the worst happen but that's purely because I suspect it would hurt too much and that I'd go in to self protection mode rather than any acrimony on either part.

Unfortunately I have no choice but to stay in touch with the kids' dad but that's becoming less of an issue as they get older.  That one's a very hard one to maintain as I'd rather see him burnt at the gates of Hades than utter a pleasant word to him but the kids need the stability of two parents who can be civil to one another rather than tearing chunks and using them as collateral like my parents did. 

I think it is possible in some cases but it's certainly a tricky one to get around. 

25/10/2011 at 10:02
Like SC, I've stayed in contact with an ex from a relationship I had when we were both very young. We get on really well, which makes it obvious that when we were a couple, we were really just mates, rather than lovers.

I occasionally see a chap I dated briefly, but that's because he's friends of a couple we're close to. Other than that, no contact with exes, although a few of them have tried to keep in touch, to the point of almost becoming a bit stalky.
25/10/2011 at 10:05

My ex Husband's mother and aunt and my mother are friends, so I still get to hear about where he is/what he is doing, and have seen him on a couple of occasions when parental visits coincide.  I assume that my mother passes info about me on to his mother (she sent a lovely hand knitted blanket when A was born), and she probably tells him what's happening with me.  We are both now remarried and have families, and it has been amicable and relaxed on the whole. 

I did have contact with one other ex via Friends Reunited a few years ago.  Again, we had both moved on, and it was more like old friends catching up than ex partners.  There was quite an age gap, so that sort of helped.

Thinking back to most of my exes, there's probably only one I'd blank in the street if I met him, because he was a complete arse and screwed up my head/life when I was with him.  All the rest, I'd happily have a coffee/chat with, but wouldn't keep in regular contact, because my life and my brain are in a completely different place now, and I'm happy as I am.

25/10/2011 at 10:21

Thinking about it, most of my other exes have since left the country.  Not sure whether that says something about me...

I guess I also never left myself get too emotionally involved with most of my exes, even though I had been with some of them a couple of years. The ones that were treating me badly didn't hurt me as I knew about their behaviour and accepted it at the time (and that really does tell me a lot about my state of mind at that time).  I didn't have many that treated me good.

I can't imagine not being with Hubby, so I have no idea how I would react if we seperated. We are soulmates.

25/10/2011 at 10:25

Yup, works for me and my ex.  Both of us are now re-married, stay in contact regularly and have socialised as a 'four' with our current partners. 

25/10/2011 at 10:26

I've not stayed in touch with my ex-husbands.

We had no children, don't have the same friends. 

Someone I know did tell me my last ex had moved to such-and-such road, as her son lives in that road and she had seen my ex there.

My former window-cleaner also told me the same thing when I bumped into him in the street a couple of weeks ago - and I hadn't seen him in about seven years!

I'm sometimes tempted to google, but they both have very ordinary names so I'd have to wade through hundreds of hits.

25/10/2011 at 10:28

Mmmm

Well I didn;t keep in touch, ad then we got in touch after 27 years.. and look what happened !

As for the ex-wife.............. err Nope haven't seen in her in a couple of years

25/10/2011 at 11:12

With most of my ex's no contact and do not want any of it. I've only kept in contact with one ex as we had such an amicable split - we realised that we'd hurt our friendship if we stayed together.

There's one ex that tried getting in touch via Facebook but I just didnt reply. It was easier. I just keep remember "It was called a break up because it was broken".

25/10/2011 at 12:35

I'm best mates with an ex-boyfriend.... we'd been great friends for several years before getting together then dated for 5 years but, looking back, we really weren't suited to each other as a couple at all. After we split up there was an initial period of animosity but, because we had so many mutual friends, it was difficult to avoid each other and we came to the conclusion we ought to be grown-ups and just get along together; eventually we just became the mates that we'd always been.

That was about 10 years ago now and it's very much a brother-sister relationship; we really should never have got together as a couple in the first place and we should always have stuck with being just friends. There's absolutely no romantic feelings between us now - that would be just plain weird!

As for other exes (and there aren't many!), I'd be quite happy to have a drink with them, catch up with their lives and wish them well, knowing that I've completely moved on and would neither want to re-kindle anything or hold any bad feelings towards them.

25/10/2011 at 12:43

one ex is still good for the occasional sh@g even 10 years later but if there's no prospect of that then what is the point?

25/10/2011 at 13:02

Not in touch with any of them.

After a few years cooling off, the first bf and I did become friends again. We'd known each other since we were 4, went out together at 14 and it was a massive mistake! Started talking again after moving to college, but after that we went off in different directions and lost contact. I do regret that a bit. Should never have dated, it was never going to work.

There's only one that leaves me with "what if" feelings. I can't help but think in another time/place or a parallel universe he'd have been perfect; as it was, he was too dangerous for me. Exciting, but too close to the edge for my need for stability. I've looked him up on FB etc over the years, but never got in contact.

pain is temporary    pirate
25/10/2011 at 13:08

I'm friends with my ex.  We regularly stay in contact and occasionally do the same races.  We were together for 4 and half years and just drifted apart and realised actually we were just friends.  We never fell out and we still have a lot of respect for each other, but we look out for each other more as brother/sister.  We certainly don't fancy each other, he is about to get married and I'm very happy for him, and she is cool with the fact we are friends.  We are all grown ups at the end of the day.

I also stay in contact with another ex.  Although we haven't seen each other for years we keep in touch by email and have a catch up every few months.  I would happily meet for a catch up/coffee with any of my exes, and if I ever bump into them in the street we will always stop and speak.

There is only one ex that I would never speak to again, but that was because he treated me like sh*t and doesn't deserve the time of day. 

kittenkat    pirate
25/10/2011 at 13:52
Nessie wrote (see)

Thinking back to most of my exes, there's probably only one I'd blank in the street if I met him, because he was a complete arse and screwed up my head/life when I was with him.  All the rest, I'd happily have a coffee/chat with, but wouldn't keep in regular contact, because my life and my brain are in a completely different place now, and I'm happy as I am.

That goes for me too.

Out of the blue I had 2 text me last week on the same day after a long period of no contact (and no I don't think it was a complete coincidence, they know each other). One of them I asked to stop trying to contact me in any way well over 8/9 years ago. He knows why, but he still sends me messages. He's trying to be a head f*ck, it's a power thing, he knows I won't reply.

Anyway, the other one I can go have a coffee, beer with, but I don't seek it out. I ignored his text too because he was reminiscing about people and places, and I don't need that or want to think about it.

Part of me feels I should have just replied with a platitude but the past is the past for a reason.

And I've been married for 10 years now, it really IS the past. 

And I've matured into a grumpy middle aged woman. Well, maybe matured isn't the right word.

25/10/2011 at 15:36
Oh god no - die scum die.....

that pretty much sums up how i feel about ex.
25/10/2011 at 16:24
My last Half Marathon one of my (many) ex's gave me my race t-shirt. I cheated on her and despite her being 11 years my junior I dumped her for a younger women. No hard feelings eh?
25/10/2011 at 16:36

I don't have any hard feelings about my exes. 

I was upset at the time, but neither of them treated me badly. 

I don't avoid them, I just don't ever encounter them - and I don't mind that, either. 

I'd kind of like to know what they're doing, how they've aged, etc., but not enough to seek them out!

Nam
25/10/2011 at 17:26
There are a couple I wouldn't p*ss on if they were on fire, and a couple who are still good friends.

One in particular I still treasure. We went out for 3 years at Uni. I was his first and loved him to pieces, but we were just too young. He's married now but we still have the odd long phone call we still remember each other's birthdays etc). I've not seen him in a couple of years but we still keep in touch with the same people so very occasionally run into each other. I still love hearing his voice (it's still so familiar) and hearing what he's up to. And when I broke up with someone recently it was really lovely how he took the time to chat with me and put things into perspective.

Another one I was with for 6 years, we email sometimes... maybe 2, 3 times a year.

Most recent BF said he really wanted to stay friends, but it seems like those were hollow words (like so many before) as realistically the effort to have what I would think is a proper friendship is not being reciprocated... *shrugs shoulders*

1 to 20 of 76 messages
Previously bookmarked threads are now visible in "Followed Threads". You can also manage notifications on these threads from the "Forum Settings" section of your profile settings page to prevent being sent an email when a reply is made.
Forum Jump  

RW Forums