Things you want to say but can't

JWrun wrote (see)

To the oldish (probably early 60s) women in the changing room - the last thing I was to see after a session in the gym and particularly first thing in the morning is you talcing your twinkle.

Dear local constabulary

Please learn to read the f*cking street name, you know those two that you passed to get to our house, before knocking on our door at 1.00 in the morning... Our house is not number oofer of That Street... It's number herhum of This Road and Carl doesn't live here.  FFS!!! 

Thank you

Bleary Eyed Sleepy Head

Dear Person in My Personal Space in the queue

Your breathing and sighing on the back of my neck will not make the queue any faster or shorter but is in fact bringing you much closer to a handbag/crotch interface.

 Thank you kindly

• I know your unsure what your talking about and out of your depth regarding this issue but please can you get to the f*cking point! I’m a very busy man and you’re boring me.
• I don’t care about person X I’m more interested in sorting out this issue.
• Just because you’re a lady doesn’t mean you can get away with being rude.
• Just because you disagree with me doesn’t mean you can be rude and condescending. I’ve actually done this and talking from experience while you’ve not had the guts to.
• I’ve seen your mum naked and she liked it.
• You’re a lovely person with friends who care about you and can help you if you let them. Even if you want to lie to everybody else stop lying to your self. Stop being afraid of living your life properly, start to get on with it, instead of pretending your having fun and escaping from your problems by doing stupid things. Till you start loving yourself you’re never going to be able to with any satisfaction to love anyone else or form any meaningful relationship.  
• You’ve new girlfriend while a looker isn’t good for you, has no real chemistry with you and is as interesting as a glass of water. Please say this is a phase your going through or your going to end up heading for a fall.
• I’ve done a lot more mischief than you in my time and can spot a wantabe, Stop trying to be a player you’re not very good at it.

Those big coloured boxes with bikes painted in them at traffic lights? They are for cyclists, not for you to edge into to get a head start when the lights change.

Equally, those nicely coloured lanes on the left hand side of the road with the bikes painted on them? They too are for cyclists. Not for you to edge into to try and get past the car turning right. 

And Mr 7ft-tall-My-Neck-is-Bigger-than-my-Head who walks his Saffordshire Bull Terrier along the alleyways behind my house, you are committing a criminal offence by allowing your dog to sh!t here. Every single day. Children play in these alleys. I cycle them and have indeed crashed whilst trying to avoid one of your dog's deposits. I caught you in the act once, luckily while walking my, much bigger, dog. I offered you a poop bag, which, to be fair, you used. How hard can it be to come out, prepared?!

Hello, mr xxxxxxx tanker driver company transport manager? Could you please let the arsehole driving one of your tankers down the **** that if he drives straight on to a roundabout that I am navigating causing me to brake sharply then tries to ram me off the road because I need to get round him to take the required exit ever again, that I will stop him, remove him from his elegantly decorated cab and rip his f**king throat out !!!

(When pregnant - not now thank god)

If you touch my bump I shall see this as an invitation to tickle your balls.....

various 'customer service' 'help-lines' when you have rung to complain:-

'was there anything else I can help you with today' and while you are saying 'no' talk over you saying ' thank you for calling British Gas today'  to which I would love to say ' FFS I did not WANT TO RING TODAY, I HAD NO F****** CHOICE BECAUSE OF YOUR LOUSY SERVICE!