Things you want to say but can't

Dear boss,

Be assured I have my eye on you. If you what you have just done is asked me to assess the suitability of someone else to do the role that I have expressed an interest in then you will certainly be hearing from me about it it due course. If I am qualfied to make the asessment, I am qualified to do the job, no?

As it is, I know said role has not been advertised so I could rat you out to personnel for entertaining informal enquiries at this stage.

My advice would be to tread carefully.... 

To the Developer that works with me on my projects.

You may be the company expert in the system we work on together, and you may be a contractor on an extortionate salary compared to everyone else but why are you so ignorant ? When people talk to you and ask you for help is it necessary to look down your nose at them ? If I dont know something then I dont know it, simple, so just because you do know it does not make it a stupid question. Hanging on to all your knowledge and not sharing it does not mean that the company will not get rid of you if they want to. 

I knew someone like that.

He seemed to be quite a nice guy but then he got given an I.T. job and it was like he had become God. You'd ask him how to do something and instead of helping you (which was his job) he'd give you a sarcastic reply, along the lines of "how do you think you do it?" which was tremendously helpful.

"I don't know, that's why I'm asking you, pr*ck!" 

That probably meant he didn't know!

Oh he would tell you eventually - like he was doing you a big favour. God what a t*sser, I'd forgotten about his very existence until today.

I hate it when somebody puts their tongue out of a wide open gob to take a forkful of food, like an amphibious landing in reverse. I can appreciate that with a pitchfork full of spaghetti or salad the tongue helps keep the sauce or dressing off the chin on the way in, but "TAKE A MODEST FORKFUL why don't you, you greedy git!" I want to yell.

If you can't understand how to install a .exe file you shouldn't be allowed to use a computer.

Goodbye Nan, you will be missed.  When you get up there, can you please give my dad a hug too and tell him I still miss him tons x

((Cinders))

If it wasn't bad enough that you gave me two months to complete a project that I know nothing about, especially when I am new to the company so have so much to learn about the procedures, infrastructure and previous similar projects, it really doesn't make it any easier when you waste my time too.

We are one month into the two month period and I have barely started because you will not give me any information at all or tell me who the correct contacts are so that I can sort it out myself.

I can tell you now that I will not be signing off on this project until I am happy that we are doing things properly AND LEGALLY.  I will also be making it perfectly clear to senior management that they could get into seriously hot water with the regulators if they get this wrong.  Telling me that you managed previously without anybody fulfilling my function does not help and may go a long way to explaining why you are already in the legal mess you are in.

You employed me for my expertise and experience in handling this sort of issue, so why are you blocking me from doing my job?

I have just received a Christmas card from my local councillor.  She is a member of the BNP.  When I realised who it was from I literally threw the card across the room.  Now I am having trouble gathering the courage to pick it up and throw it in the bin.  I feel soiled

Give the christmas card to the man who gave you the project ?

Ideal solution! 

Dear Sales team.  You may be procesing the orders and telling the customer they will have their stuff real soon but as for documents they can wait.  Stop putting me in the position of trying to fit all the work in when i have no help from anyone.  I do have other work to finish off which would be nice

You know how busy i am, drowning me in more work pisses me off and then i look like a cock womble for not getting it done when the customer asks where it is.

I am the only person in the company who does this job, i suggest you do a week in my shoes just to see how much there is. 

Cheshercat wrote (see)

Dear Sales team.  You may be procesing the orders and telling the customer they will have their stuff real soon but as for documents they can wait.  Stop putting me in the position of trying to fit all the work in when i have no help from anyone.  I do have other work to finish off which would be nice

You know how busy i am, drowning me in more work pisses me off and then i look like a cock womble for not getting it done when the customer asks where it is.

I am the only person in the company who does this job, i suggest you do a week in my shoes just to see how much there is. 

 

I'm more and more convinced we work at the same job :/