Things you want to say but can't

Dear conspiracy theorists:

Jesus, you really are thick! A Helicopter hit a crane on a very tall building in fog and crashed. It was nothing to do with terrorism, or MI6, or aliens in human form, or zombies or vampires or anything else. Please take your tinfoil hats off and calm down.

 spoilsport

Carterusm, as a short person I refuse to use an umbrella for that very reason.  I don't see the need for them anyway.  Its only water and we don't dissolve

For f*** sake woman, stop moaning about how hard your life is all the time and just get on with it! We know you travel here by train every day and have to get up early to get here. Nobody made you come here. We're not in the least bit interested in listening to you moaning and complaining on all the time. Either shut up or leave!

Dear Lance, ok, I forgive you, now say 50 hail marys and get into marathon running.

We have a major problem.  Some of us are trying to find a workable solution.  Telling me that it isn't possible and blocking me at every turn with potential problems isn't productive. 

Oh, and by the way, if you continue to try to tell me that my job is pointless and that I can't bring anything constructive to this discussion (this was aimed at the post, and not me specifically) then I might just have to bring it to everyone else attention how obstructive you are being.

Since when was Eeyore a cockwomble anyway?

Dearest beloved, why do you sit in the coldest room in the house? You turn the heating up so that everywhere else is too hot and I wind up with a headache and feeling pants. Please just turn the little heater by your side on. that's what it's there for.
Your ever loving. xx

Dear right nipple, you bleeder!!!

Encouragng people to push their boundaries is a good thing.  Shaming them into doing something that is beyond their capabilities and has the potential to hospitalise or kill them is downright irresponsible.

Luckily for you there were other people there who were more responsible and able to step in and put things right.

What's even more shocking is that you were boasting that last month you got two people into trouble and they had to be rescued.  You might think thats a big achievement but forgive me if I'm not impressed.

Dear mate,

You skived off work on friday cause there was a little bit of snow but how come you are able to travel up north to see the misses on Saturday?   You go right past where you work and i doubt the roads were any worse than friday afternoon.  Don't moan when you have to take a days holiday or lose a days pay. 

Oh, i will laugh mightly if you can not drive home from manchester cause of all the new snow. 

You are a tit

Train guards, access to an on board tannoy isn't a green light to talk endlessly on the journey. Please shut up.

Yes, it's snowing. Yes, I am running. So what ?

Yes, it's snowing. Yes we're still working, come in or do without pay, if I can get here so can you

Dear guest speaker,

Never have I seen someone in more need of Oxi-White than you. On second thoughts, just get some new shirts FFS 

So, let me get this straight.  We had to endure several meetings, which were made fairly uncomfortable and completely unproductive by your intransigence. I agreed to take the project on by myself.  I put the hours in and did all the work to get it up and running.  Now that everything is in place and running smoothly, and everyone knows what's what, I get an e-mail from a third party to say that you've decided to take on your share of the work after all. 
It's just as well I'm on holiday this week. 

you don't have "a bit of flu". you have a cold.

Hi Lance !  I noticed that on your recent interview with Oprah you mentioned that you were keen to start competing in Triathlons again.

Is this is because you've got a vat of 'gear' still sitting in your fridge and the expiry date is fast approaching ?

I admire your effort in clearing the snow off the road surrounding your car. But why did you just throw all of that snow into the middle of the pavement ? It's difficult enough as it is walking on the pavements but with the added snow it is now treacherous. At least you can get your can in and out of your space easily enough now, that's the main thing I guess

*Sigh*

(Of boredom, specified and unspecified longing and wishing the f*cking sun would come out for a change). 

Dear Leifheit, your website seems to promote the idea that only women and girls use cleaning products. I don't care what decade you are stuck in on the continent but I'm not letting this crap pass without objection in this neck of the woods so I've contacted your UK representative about it. Sexist twats!