Things you want to say but can't

We could well do Cheshercat.

Update:  This project is mega urgent and heads will roll if we don't meet the deadline.  So we have decided to put it on hold until we can get everyone around the table to work out which way to go, NEXT WEDNESDAY!  So that's almost another week wasted then.  Which now gives us only 2 weeks to work out a manufacturing process that works and successfully make the first batch.

Pull your trousers up. We don't want to see your pants when you walk down the street.

You're speeding down a dual carriageway in the inside lane. The car in the outside lane has stopped at a zebra crossing to let a pedestrian cross. Bearing in mind the recent weather conditions and the black ice you should expect the roads might be slippery in places. The pedestrian standing at the zebra crossing is wearing a full reflective jacket and their headtorch is switched on even though morning has just about broken through. The pedstrian steps carefully onto the zebra and suddenly you have to slam on your brakes. The pedstrian has to quickly jump back to take evading action. Fortunately, your brand new company car has an excellent braking system and comes to a stop at least 6 inches form the crossing. Why then, were you surprised, when I started to call you all the stupid bastards under the sun for driving like a twat ? Dont put your window down to try and explain your actions to me. You were driving like an irresponsible twat that you clearly are. 

Dear Warburtons potato cakes: I wish you weren't so tasty.

Dear Gas company whose name begins with British. I don't know why you have sent me a cheque for the best part of £400 *.  As far as I was concerned, we didn't pay you for a year as we never got bills, but at the end of the year I rang you, gave you meter readings and payed what you said we owed. But I'm not going to quibble it's going straight into the bank.

Dear electric company whose many starts with Southern. How on earth do we owe you £1000 for 3 months electric?! That said as it appears we do, and my partner and I are liable for 2/5 of it, I know where that cheque from British Gas is going!

* I have on theory and I hope it's wrong. I suspect I will get a letter from same company saying, "You haven't payed your electricity bill, it comes for £366!

Mental health care in this country is utter bollocks. 

Agreed Bookie.

Dear hog roast company.  Thank you for making my day by using my own GF bread when making your lovely rolls and not charging me full price

Ok so you're family in some way, I sat next to you all night and I know you'll never work due to your back, but at 25 this is not realistic get off your fat arse and put up with it, go earn a f*****g living you scrounger, and last of all don't complain to me that you can't afford a holiday for your kids (on MY TAX !) when you drank more than anyone last night - Fuming!!

Dear weather: please make your bl**dy mind up. In the last hour my umbrella has been up and down like a Frenchman's trousers!

To the sports shop who's name contains the words Direct and Sport but not necessarily in that order.

When you ask me if I want to pay by PalPay, or similar, and I say yes, you kindly directed me to the said PalPay, or similar, page. I entered my password as normal but you said you were unable to process the payment at this time. A short while later I tried again with the same result. As such, I decided to pay using my debit card and this process was lovely and seemless. 

Imagine my surprise when PalPay, or similar, send me not one but TWO emails to say that YOU now have TWO payments for the item I purchased PLUS another payment that you took using my debit card.

When you have a Contact Us page it is normal to display a telephone number where customers (those people who you are supposed to be providing a service too) can ring you. When I then write a message to you on the Contact Form I do NOT expect all my text to suddenly disappear and I have to write it again. And when I have written it again I expect you to contact me on the details I provided to try and resolve the problem YOU have caused. I would also have expected you to contact me upon receipt of the two emails I then sent you or at least send some sort of acknowledgement.

I now realise why your prices are so cheap. Your system is crap and you obviously employ monkeys in your call centres.

I dont expect you to resolve this issue overnight even though I have sent you 3 emails cancelling this, and another order, I have recently placed. On the contrary, I expect you will deliver the items and then expect me to return them to you, where I will no doubt incur postage costs, before you refund me the money you have taken without my authorisation. I also expect that when you eventually do get round to refunding my money it will take 4 working days to clear my account unlike the instant clearance you can perform when you are actually taking money from me.

Dear Grauniad,

If I have to read one more article about what "is" and "isn't" "feminist" I will scream.

I regard myself as a feminist and as far as I am concerned it is about equality and freedom of choice. It isn't about whether to wear f*cking high heels or not. And, while there are REAL issues that still need to be addressed, like the sort of genuine discrimination women face in India, you seem to promote the idea that there is some sort of gender war going on - from what I see in my life day to day there really isn't.

FFS sake find something else to write about!

So, you have finally responded to my email but you have completely ignored it's contents. 'I want to cancel both orders' does not mean ' we have dispatched your orders'. I do not want your goods and I do not want to deal with you again. Get it sorted

Dear unnamed government department who deal with the country's Revenue and Customs duties

If I bother to write to you to give you notice of deductible expenses incurred and charitable givings, please have the courtesy to 1: record this on my file and do something about it without me call you three times to chase, 2: Call me back more than once to discuss it without leaving a hugely cryptic voicemail message, 3: Send the letter that you proimsed, 4: Calculate my overpayments and underpayments correctly, and even calculating how much my tax code should have moved because of the expenses and gift aid correctly, and 5: Just give me my f@cking money, to misquote an enobled Irishman.  I now have to go through 8 years of records to recalculate payments and liabilities to work out exactly what they have taken, when they have taken it and why, and the differences between the 2.  I am so so glad that I now have to do the calculation for them on an annual basis, and take that little right out of their hands.  Useless b@st@rds.

"I have a PPI claim amount of 10 million pounds with your name on it blah blah blah"

... That's odd because I've never had a PPI policy, I have a knuckle sandwich with your name on it.

Demon Barber wrote (see)

"I have a PPI claim amount of 10 million pounds with your name on it blah blah blah"

... That's odd because I've never had a PPI policy, I have a knuckle sandwich with your name on it.

Ah yes, that old one.  I got called up by a real live human being on one of them, and she was lovely.  She talked me through everything about where they get their information from, and she freely admitted that they had no information and none of them did, so their 'you are entitled' was pure speculation.  I was a bit concerned that I had forgotten about something that I had done, but I was always very careful to say no to PPI.

I spoke to a person, a bloke actually and that was basically his patter. That he wanted to send me an imaginary cheque for a figure they had made up, but first we would need to discuss my "details" or more specifically my imaginary PPI policy which we soon established I didn't have. Because it was imaginary.

I actually told this bloke that I didn't have PPI so he was wasting his time, and if I did have a PPI claim I wouldn't need a management company to sort it, I could go directly to the Bank concerned and deal through them or actually the Ombudsmen for free.

He didn't have much else to add.. my voodoo was stronger.

Eric Pickles, you are a fat tw*t!

I wrote to Eric Pickles recently, asking him to intervene in a local issue that's under his remit as a minister. 

He didn't reply. 

Perhaps offering him free weight management advice was an offer he could afford to refuse...