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16 messages
13/10/2002 at 09:58
Before I start, I just want to apologise profusely for the totally inappropriate post I made in Cath's thread in the general forum. I mad the mistake of jumping in without reading and as one of the later posting said I'm am very upset about hence this post.

I probably should apologise for this post as well, as it's going to be a large rant and self pity type of post. But it may help me get my faith back into this web site.

I currently having one of my worst weekends since the beginning of the year. The reason why I was working late is that I have four (turns out to probably closer to seven or eight) NHS doctors appointments over last week and the next three weeks. The reasons:

1. Operable cancer two years ago, where I ended up with radiation therapy which brought down the chances of it reoccurring to 2%. Unfortunately the chances of a natural family, 0%.
2. After that my liver started to act up so another specialist and 6 monthly checkups.
3. After 18 months on the bl***dy NHS waiting list for a day operation I get four weeks notice, four weeks to jump through NHS hoops.

Worse still, my Nana is dying in New Zealand with throat cancer which has finally riddled her body. Feeling really guilty not going to see her as long list of circumstances which shouldn't get in the way have.

Also my wife who has ME, was struck down by a motor cycle in London just over a year and hasn't worked or recovered to her normal level of pain ever since. All of the above is as I see it just life. My wife and I have been living with it for four years or so now.

At the beginning of the year, after hearing another specialist telling me to loose weight, I went on a diet and lost three stone. This brought me down from the obese side of over weight to the other cusp of overweight. As this gave me a little confidence, I took up running.

The diet was easy, running was hard. Which for me included massive guilt feelings for leaving my wife sick in bed during our precious weekends. I brought the magazine and found the web site.

I never believed in forums before, to clicky for my liking but this one seemed to be helping my shyness and with generally coping with everything. Also avoiding the unofficial forum and health forums just in case something yucky arises.

My wife loves forums because she can read about other fellow ME suffers, and helps out where she can. You think Cath's thread is full of horror stories, you should start reading how the UK treats it's hidden disabled.

I usually avoid the long threads but this time after jumping in and then reading, what do I see but Cancer rearing it's ugly head.

So thanks to a big dive in self confidence and big upsurge in self pity, last weekend I was thinking how I could fit in my first marathon and looking forward to my next run. Now I haven't gone for a run since last Tuesday and feel like just chucking it all in and starting all over again.

Anyway, I'm not a great orator, so if the above makes me seem like a real a-h*** I'm sorry. This email is a bit of a self help thing and a cry out for the unheard. To be honest I wish I could put more meaningful things in above but my wife is better at stirring emails.

Finally I wish the monitors of the forums did a better job, and when someone mentions that a thread should have been in a different forum, they move it as sometimes the smallest thing really counts (also a undo or delete button would be helpful). Just think, my wife says a couple of times she wishes she could come running with me, just breaks my heart.
13/10/2002 at 10:39
All I can say Muzzer is that if you weren't here, I wouldn't have read your story. I logged on to talk about my, boo hoo, slightly sore throat and possible cold.

Thank you for putting things in perspective for me. I will do my 20 mile run - or I'll have a good go at it anyway now that I've read this. Sounds like you've had a terrible time and well done for even contemplating running.

I, and many like me didn't start training for the FLM until after Xmas, having never run before. You'll be fine. Aim for three runs a week, and if you do more excellent, if less, don't worry. Enjoy Xmas, eat, drink and be merry - and then join the rest of us for some pavement pounding in Jan.

BTW I've never contributed to Caths' or Redhead's stories, mainly because I didn't have anything to add to what everyone else has said. Well done to them too. And good luck. You're all an inspiration!
13/10/2002 at 10:49
Yes, my sentiments exactly Snicks.
I don't think you caused too much upset Muzzer - it's probably upset yourself more than anyone else.
Don't give up mate (easy to say), the feeling I know I will get AFTER my run makes up for how crap I feel just before running and the early part of it.
And of course it's inspirational stories such as yours and Caths that keep me running because I can.
Thanks for your post.
Simon.
BK
13/10/2002 at 11:00
Muzzer we all have days like this. I'm sure what you added to Caths thread isn't as bad as you think and she's a lovely person and would forgive you anyway.

Sorry to hear about your problems, and as Snick has said its puts our pwn self pity into perspective.

Carry on posting on the threads. You will see things that make you smile and things that make you cry. Please feel very welcome to the forums and looking forward to crossing swords.

Keep smiling, even on this cold, wet, sh1tty day

Happy running

Mike


13/10/2002 at 12:47
Hi Muzzer; we've all said and written things we later regret, and we all have days when it doesn't seem worth getting up. But to let go of all that you have achieved would be such a waste. Think of your wife as an inspiration - she can't do a lot, but what she does do she does with aplomb! That goes for lots of us runners (and I'm a newby, and very feek and weeble!). So keep in touch with us. What is it about the risk of reading 'nasty' things that worries you? Knowledge is power Muzzer - share your fears and let us help you please.
13/10/2002 at 12:53
Congratulations on finding the motivation for losing so much weight Muzzer. That's a fantastic achievement and will help you get out there I'm sure.
As for the rest of your post I feel confused, can't work out whether Cath's post upset you because it reminded you of your cancer treatment or because you felt silly posting your comment. All I can say is - forget it! Noone thinks any the worse of you, and with the things you're coping with I'm sure you'll find people supportive and empathetic rather than judgemental.

Personally I'm glad RW don't interfere with where posts appear since that's part of the personal and unpredictable nature of the forum that makes it more human and interesting to me. After a little while it's usually pretty easy to work out what's interesting and worthwhile reading to you, and as for upsetting posts well I guess that's a risk you have to take.
Best wishes to you and happy running. (it won't help your wife if you are unfit, will it?)
BK
13/10/2002 at 12:57
Laura did you get a picture from the GNR
13/10/2002 at 13:42
Hi Muzzer
You dont need to write aanything stirring, just post when you feel and comment when you feel like it
This lot are all really supportive
Good luk mate, keep smiling

From a hovel of an NHS hospital
13/10/2002 at 14:18
Thought it might help us all to read the following:

You Must Keep Going
====================

Sometimes you must keep going.

Life punches you in the stomach.
It knocks your breath out and leaves you bowed and gasping.

You lose a job. . . you must keep going.

You find out you have a serious illness. . .you must keep going.

You have a headache. . . you must keep going.

Sometimes the things in life are not serious but they affect you
nevertheless. . . you must keep going.

You have a big argument with your spouse.
Neither of you feels like talking and maybe not even looking at
each other. . . you must keep going.

Your son rebels and you have a blowout with him. . . you must keep going.

The bills seem to never end and the money seems to never start.

You must keep going.

There are times that make us just want to curl up, stick our heads in a hole, and make the world go away.

We can't, because we must keep going.

Life is full of those circumstances.

Many of you when you woke up this morning, for a variety of reasons, didn't feel like getting out of bed, but you had to.

You must keep going.

In times like those, and we all have them,
remember the blessing.

The blessing is not in that we must keep going.

The blessing is that we can.

13/10/2002 at 17:02
Good stuff Beth

Muzzer, don't beat yourself up.
hang in there.
We are on your side.
The side of those that try.
13/10/2002 at 17:10
Muzzer

Well done for your posting I think that it is incredibly brave. No need to apologise for it, if people were not interested they would not read or respond to it. Judging not just by the number of posts, but by their contents I would say that everyone is very supportive.

We all do things without thinking enough about them, but that is human nature. I am sure that Cath fully understands this.

Make sure that if you need support you post on the forums because as well as a lot of light hearted posts there are some very helpful and uplifting ones.

Only left to say that I wish you and your wife well and I hope that things improve.

Many thanks for your post, thinking of you both.

Fiona
13/10/2002 at 17:16
Muzzer,

We all say things we wish we hadn't. Among friends it simply doesn't matter.

You are among friends here - just speak up whenever you want to.

Hey Beth - nice one!
13/10/2002 at 19:17
Muzzer,
I tend to read the postings here far more than I contribute and I have the over-riding impression that the people contributing/reading the forum are good people who want to share their love of running and help other people in whatever ways help seems to be needed. Your situation seems to be pretty tough and your endeavours mark you out as a fighter, so good for you, I wouldn't worry about misunderstandings, it's a problem with the written word and I can't see anyone dwelling overly long on it.
Keep being strong and post lots of other contributions so you can draw on all these other good people.
Jenny
13/10/2002 at 21:03
Thank you all for the responses. My faith is slowly starting to return.

Talked to Mrs M and understood it a bit. So to answer Laura L question as well.

I spent a long time fighting a large number of life challenges and each one I did quietly and generally with only my partner to help. Today brings another set of challenges, which with running (and the general forums help) I am again doing some amazing results.

Within the general forum, I enjoyed finding out that other people get bloody nipples and what to do. I enjoy finding out what people do with medals and how they get harassed on the streets. The way people can do 12 miles one weekend the next 3 miles is to difficult (ie such as today's disaster run).

I have no quarms in people sharing their stories but on the correct forum. Seeing a running forum with 670 odd long thread constantly at the top of the list, reminding me that if I don't die of cancer, it would be the liver sorisis or the blocked arteries. Which ironically enough was one of the forces started me running.

Any way lessons learnt, read before I post.

Well done Paula, caught the last amazing hour (that was so helpful as well). Doing the Cabbage patch next weekend if things don't get too bad. Problem is, how do I get the confidence back to do 10 miles in a week after a crap run today and another stressful week? Hopefully the weather will be a bit warmer.
BK
13/10/2002 at 21:07
There a few doing that race, look out for blue shirts with a horizontal yellow stipe.

Hope it goes OK
13/10/2002 at 21:57
BK, no photo as yet, have you? No great loss in my case!

Good luck with the cabbage patch Muzzer, I'm sure your confidence will come back once you start the race if not before. Usually getting out there and doing it is easier than the agonising beforehand.

Don't forget to post your race report afterwards (on the Events thread, if you like).

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