Top Tips

Change your first name to Lord by deed poll, thus acquiring a posh title on the cheap.

Elli - Genuis!!

*snorting with laughter* If I'd been inventive enough to have thought of that myself a few years back, my then neighbours would have received a frozen tray of piss from me at least three times a day! God but I hated them with a vengeance.

Buy a bundle of little grip seal bags.  Crush supermarket own brand painkillers and put small amounts of resulting powder in each bag.  Walk up and down the high street at two on Saturday and Sunday morning and sell each bag to drunk tweenies for fifty quid a go.

Good plan! and they would be back for more the following week as their morning headaches would be a thing of the past. So this is a business opportunity that could grow

drill a 2" hole in your fridge door so you can check if the internal light goes out when closing the door

If you also use a 2" par-boiled potato to block said hole you would perhaps save some food from spoiling, and your removable lamp check plug could also be used for a tasty snack if you feel peckish while checking your lamp

Avoid embarrassing noises whilst farting in lifts by pulling your arse cheeks apart.

Avoid embarrassing skid marks on your pants by not pulling your arse cheeks apart whilst farting in lifts.