Usain Bolt ….

….arrives at Heathrow passport control at the start of July

11 messages
03/04/2012 at 16:42
UK Border Agent: You’re occupation is stated as ‘runner’?Mr. Bolt: Yes.UK Border Agent: I do a bit myself.Mr. Bolt: That is good.UK Border Agent: How far?Mr. Bolt: 100 and 200.UK Border Agent: Miles!?Mr. Bolt: No!UK Border Agent: Kms?Mr. Bolt: No!UK Border Agent: Then what?Mr. Bolt: Metres.UK Border Agent: Metres!?Mr. Bolt: Yes.UK Border Agent: That’s not very far.Mr. Bolt: I’m very quick.UK Border Agent: I’m sure you are if you’re only running 200 metres.Mr. Bolt: I hold the world record at both distances.UK Border Agent: Yes, but you must only be running for less than a minute. It’s not really very impressive, is it?Mr. Bolt: Ummm?UK Border Agent: No, it’s not.Mr. Bolt: I usually do a lap of honour when I win.UK Border Agent: How far’s that?Mr. Bolt: 400m.UK Border Agent: So you run four times as far after the race than the race itself?Mr. Bolt: Yes.UK Border Agent: OK. Have you ever run a marathon?Mr. Bolt: No.UK Border Agent: Half marathon?Mr. Bolt: No.UK Border Agent: 10K?Mr. Bolt: No.UK Border Agent: 5k?Mr. Bolt: No.UK Border Agent: Not even a parkrun?Mr. Bolt: I used to run around the park when I was a kid.UK Border Agent: No, they are free, weekly, 5km timed runs held around the world?Mr. Bolt: No.UK Border Agent: Well, based on your responses I’m not sure you can call yourself a runner?Mr. Bolt: Excuse me?UK Border Agent: And that means I can’t let you in.Mr. Bolt: But I am representing Jamaica in the Olympics.UK Border Agent: I can’t help that.Mr. Bolt: I am my countrys greatest hope for a medal.UK Border Agent: Look, this is what you can do, run a marathon and come back with your result so you can prove you are a runner.Mr. Bolt: You want me to run a marathon?UK Border Agent: Yes.Mr. Bolt: But I haven’t trained for one.UK Border Agent: You’d better start then.Mr. Bolt: The Olympics opening ceremony is in 3 weeks!UK Border Agent: There’ll be some more in a few years. Mr. Bolt shakes his head and desperately performs an internet search for marathons on his smart phone. Mr. Bolt: There’s a marathon in Rio on 8th July. Will that be OK?UK Border Agent: Rio?Mr. Bolt: Yes.UK Border Agent: Brazil?Mr. Bolt: Yes.UK Border Agent: No.Mr. Bolt: Why not?UK Border Agent: It’s a foreign marathon.Mr. Bolt: Are they not all the same distance?UK Border Agent: Weeell, technically, yes. But some of those foreign ones are in kilometres not miles.Mr. Bolt: So it has to be a British one?UK Border Agent: Yes.Mr. Bolt: Oh.UK Border Agent: Specifically, the London Marathon.Mr. Bolt: Why?UK Border Agent: Because until you run the London Marathon, you’re not really a runner.Mr. Bolt: So you want me to run a marathon in London but you won’t let me into London because I haven’t run a marathon in London?UK Border Agent: Yes. Usain wanders away to try and find a flight back to Jamaica 

UK Border Agent: And you should run it dressed as a camel or an iguana as you’ll raise more money for charity! Good luck!

03/04/2012 at 16:45
Well that was easy top read
03/04/2012 at 16:46
UK Border Agent: You’re occupation is stated as ‘runner’?
Mr. Bolt: Yes.
UK Border Agent: I do a bit myself.
Mr. Bolt: That is good.
UK Border Agent: How far?
Mr. Bolt: 100 and 200.
UK Border Agent: Miles!?
Mr. Bolt: No!
UK Border Agent: Kms?
Mr. Bolt: No!
UK Border Agent: Then what?
Mr. Bolt: Metres.
UK Border Agent: Metres!?
Mr. Bolt: Yes.
UK Border Agent: That’s not very far.
Mr. Bolt: I’m very quick.
UK Border Agent: I’m sure you are if you’re only running 200 metres.
Mr. Bolt: I hold the world record at both distances.
UK Border Agent: Yes, but you must only be running for less than a minute. It’s not really very impressive, is it?
Mr. Bolt: Ummm?
UK Border Agent: No, it’s not.
Mr. Bolt: I usually do a lap of honour when I win.
UK Border Agent: How far’s that?
Mr. Bolt: 400m.
UK Border Agent: So you run four times as far after the race than the race itself?
Mr. Bolt: Yes.
UK Border Agent: OK. Have you ever run a marathon?
Mr. Bolt: No.
UK Border Agent: Half marathon?
Mr. Bolt: No.
UK Border Agent: 10K?
Mr. Bolt: No.
UK Border Agent: 5k?
Mr. Bolt: No.
UK Border Agent: Not even a parkrun?
Mr. Bolt: I used to run around the park when I was a kid.
UK Border Agent: No, they are free, weekly, 5km timed runs held around the world?
Mr. Bolt: No.
UK Border Agent: Well, based on your responses I’m not sure you can call yourself a runner?
Mr. Bolt: Excuse me?
UK Border Agent: And that means I can’t let you in.
Mr. Bolt: But I am representing Jamaica in the Olympics.
UK Border Agent: I can’t help that.
Mr. Bolt: I am my countrys greatest hope for a medal.
UK Border Agent: Look, this is what you can do, run a marathon and come back with your result so you can prove you are a runner.
Mr. Bolt: You want me to run a marathon?
UK Border Agent: Yes.
Mr. Bolt: But I haven’t trained for one.
UK Border Agent: You’d better start then.
Mr. Bolt: The Olympics opening ceremony is in 3 weeks!
UK Border Agent: There’ll be some more in a few years. Mr. Bolt shakes his head and desperately performs an internet search for marathons on his smart phone.
Mr. Bolt: There’s a marathon in Rio on 8th July. Will that be OK?
UK Border Agent: Rio?
Mr. Bolt: Yes.
UK Border Agent: Brazil?
Mr. Bolt: Yes.
UK Border Agent: No.
Mr. Bolt: Why not?
UK Border Agent: It’s a foreign marathon.
Mr. Bolt: Are they not all the same distance?
UK Border Agent: Weeell, technically, yes. But some of those foreign ones are in kilometres not miles.
Mr. Bolt: So it has to be a British one?
UK Border Agent: Yes.
Mr. Bolt: Oh.
UK Border Agent: Specifically, the London Marathon.
Mr. Bolt: Why?
UK Border Agent: Because until you run the London Marathon, you’re not really a runner.
Mr. Bolt: So you want me to run a marathon in London but you won’t let me into London because I haven’t run a marathon in London?
UK Border Agent: Yes. Usain wanders away to try and find a flight back to Jamaica
UK Border Agent: And you should run it dressed as a camel or an iguana as you’ll raise more money for charity! Good luck!
03/04/2012 at 16:47
That wasn't worth it. Never tell a long joke that relies on a punchline.
03/04/2012 at 16:48

I think I wasted 15 seconds of my life reading that

03/04/2012 at 16:55
yikes - can someone give me a summary?
03/04/2012 at 16:57

Yeah, imagine a Two Ronnies sketch, one of the not funny ones...

Maybe it would be funnier if Usain Bolt went into Robert Dyas looking for four candles.

03/04/2012 at 16:58
I quite like it
03/04/2012 at 16:59

"No, but we've got some 'ose."

"Irie!"

04/04/2012 at 13:43
I liked it.
04/04/2012 at 20:10
The concise version.
Usain Bolt arrives at UK customs.
Told he isn't a proper runner because he hasn't done London.
Not allowed in to London to run marathon to qualify for Olympis.
Misses Olympics.
The end.

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