21 to 35 of 35 messages
27/09/2006 at 13:48
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...And where do you think you're going?" ( You're gonna love this..... )

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark"
27/09/2006 at 14:23
A woman weeping quietly in the back of the church, was approached by the priest who asked, "Mary whatever is the matter?" " Oh father, my husband Frank passed away last night" " Oh dear, did he have any last words?" asked the priest, "Yes father, he said, Mary, please put down that gun".
27/09/2006 at 15:24
How do you know if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get the remote.
27/09/2006 at 15:25
How do you know that your wife is dead?

The sex is the same, but the washing up piles up.
27/09/2006 at 15:28
Moomoo, you must have a very disappointing sex life.............. well, more disappointing than most ;-)
27/09/2006 at 15:32
No comment, Mr W! ;)
27/09/2006 at 15:33
hoose'll fix it;O))

27/09/2006 at 15:36
I repeat, "No comment" ;)
27/09/2006 at 15:38
LOL moomoo :)
27/09/2006 at 15:40
lol moo -just look at me as the "emergency services";O)

27/09/2006 at 16:17
The Perfect Day for Her.

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in two KGs lighter than yesterday.
8:45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants, open presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil.
10:00 Light work-out at club with funny, handsome personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blowdry.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe
12:45 Catch sight of husband/boyfriend's ex and notice she has gained two stone.
1:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.
3:00 Nap.
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from secret admirer.
4:15 Light workout at club followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full-length mirror.
7:30 Candle-lit dinner for two, followed by dancing with compliments received from other diners/ dancers.
10:00 Hot shower (alone).
10:50 Carried to bed (freshly ironed, crisp new white linen)
11:00 Pillowtalk. Light touching and cuddling.
11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.

The Perfect Day for Him.
6:00 Alarm.
6:15 B*owjob.
6:30 Massive satisfying dump, while reading the sports section.
7:00 Breakfast: steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked, buxom wench, who bends over a lot, showing her growler.
7:30 Limo arrives.
7:45 Several rums/ bourbons en route to airport.
9:15 Flight in personal Lear Jet.
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort golf club (b*owjob en route)
9:45 Play front nine - Two under.
11:45 Lunch: Pie, chips and gravy, three lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon (1969).
12:15 B*owjob.
12:30 Play back nine - Four under.
2:15 Limo back to airport - Several rums/ bourbons.
2:30 Flight to Madeira.
3:30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all-female crew, all nude, who also bend over a lot, displaying growlers.
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234 pounds) on light tackle.
5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Kirsty Gallacher (bending over displaying growler, naturally).
6:45 S*it, shower and shave.
7:00 Watch news. Michael Jackson killed by Bubbles. Ministry of Transport bombed. GATSOs declared illegal by High Court judge. Greenpeace disbands.
7:30 Dinner: Lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon 1953, big juicy fillet steak, followed by ice cream, served on a big pair of t*ts.
9:00 Napolean brandy and a Cuban cigar in front of wall-sized television where England retain the Ashes for 10th time in a row.
9:30 Sex with three women (all with l*sbian tendencies, some bending over to display growlers).
11:00 Massage and jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ale.
11:30 A nightcap b*owjob.
11:45 In bed alone.
11:50 A twelve second f*rt, which changes note four times and forces the dog to leave the room.

27/09/2006 at 16:21
PMSL daz1927!!!!
27/09/2006 at 16:27
My wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot to me.
'Buy me a surprise for my birthday!', she said.
'Something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds! And I would prefer a blue one!'
Happy and excited she was counting down the days for her birthday.
And finally she got the beautiful present I'd thoughtfully bought her......

A blue set of weighing scales from Argos.
27/09/2006 at 16:29
daz, that is quality.
27/09/2006 at 16:46
A womans perspective.....


Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not true, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Puzzled but willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and
stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I ask.

"They will grow larger over a period of years, " he replies.

I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your backside, didn't it?"

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