WISE WORDS.......

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...And where do you think you're going?" ( You're gonna love this..... )

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark"

A woman weeping quietly in the back of the church, was approached by the priest who asked, "Mary whatever is the matter?" " Oh father, my husband Frank passed away last night" " Oh dear, did he have any last words?" asked the priest, "Yes father, he said, Mary, please put down that gun".

How do you know if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get the remote.

How do you know that your wife is dead?

The sex is the same, but the washing up piles up.

Moomoo, you must have a very disappointing sex life.............. well, more disappointing than most ;-)

No comment, Mr W! ;)

hoose'll fix it;O))

xx

I repeat, "No comment" ;)

LOL moomoo :)

lol moo -just look at me as the "emergency services";O)

xx

The Perfect Day for Her.

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in two KGs lighter than yesterday.
8:45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants, open presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil.
10:00 Light work-out at club with funny, handsome personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blowdry.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe
12:45 Catch sight of husband/boyfriend's ex and notice she has gained two stone.
1:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.
3:00 Nap.
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from secret admirer.
4:15 Light workout at club followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full-length mirror.
7:30 Candle-lit dinner for two, followed by dancing with compliments received from other diners/ dancers.
10:00 Hot shower (alone).
10:50 Carried to bed (freshly ironed, crisp new white linen)
11:00 Pillowtalk. Light touching and cuddling.
11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.

The Perfect Day for Him.
6:00 Alarm.
6:15 B*owjob.
6:30 Massive satisfying dump, while reading the sports section.
7:00 Breakfast: steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked, buxom wench, who bends over a lot, showing her growler.
7:30 Limo arrives.
7:45 Several rums/ bourbons en route to airport.
9:15 Flight in personal Lear Jet.
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort golf club (b*owjob en route)
9:45 Play front nine - Two under.
11:45 Lunch: Pie, chips and gravy, three lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon (1969).
12:15 B*owjob.
12:30 Play back nine - Four under.
2:15 Limo back to airport - Several rums/ bourbons.
2:30 Flight to Madeira.
3:30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all-female crew, all nude, who also bend over a lot, displaying growlers.
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234 pounds) on light tackle.
5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Kirsty Gallacher (bending over displaying growler, naturally).
6:45 S*it, shower and shave.
7:00 Watch news. Michael Jackson killed by Bubbles. Ministry of Transport bombed. GATSOs declared illegal by High Court judge. Greenpeace disbands.
7:30 Dinner: Lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon 1953, big juicy fillet steak, followed by ice cream, served on a big pair of t*ts.
9:00 Napolean brandy and a Cuban cigar in front of wall-sized television where England retain the Ashes for 10th time in a row.
9:30 Sex with three women (all with l*sbian tendencies, some bending over to display growlers).
11:00 Massage and jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ale.
11:30 A nightcap b*owjob.
11:45 In bed alone.
11:50 A twelve second f*rt, which changes note four times and forces the dog to leave the room.

PMSL daz1927!!!!

My wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot to me.
'Buy me a surprise for my birthday!', she said.
'Something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds! And I would prefer a blue one!'
Happy and excited she was counting down the days for her birthday.
And finally she got the beautiful present I'd thoughtfully bought her......



A blue set of weighing scales from Argos.

daz, that is quality.

A womans perspective.....

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not true, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Puzzled but willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and
stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I ask.

"They will grow larger over a period of years, " he replies.

I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your backside, didn't it?"