Am I really out of order ?

Mother-in Law !

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07/08/2012 at 09:53

My mother in-law visits us every month for an average of 5 days. We live 1hr45mins away. She doesn't drive. I have been told I am a charlatan and nasty etc...because I should love the visits. The truth is - Each month I dread 'that' call when she asks "is it ok if I can come down for a couple of days" It was once ok because it wasn't monthly.

Last week she wanted to come down and I thought we were going out that day so it got put off. Well, she went off to her daughters saying she felt really down (My fault) and then she told my husband she wasn't coming at all ! Then - she calls up last night and is now coming today.

Sorry. I need a rant..

07/08/2012 at 09:57

Who is calling you a charlatan (which actually means fraudster, or confidence trickster, btw) and nasty?


07/08/2012 at 10:03

Husband. He says i'm a charlatan because I am always nice to her face and then the truth is I don't really enjoy the monthly visits. I should of been honest long ago but I felt I couldn't because he is always asking her to stay.

07/08/2012 at 10:06

Crickey Lil - if that was my mother in law i'd feel the same!... Actually if it was mother - i'd feel the same!

Why does she visit for so long? Can you not visit her one day a month and avoid the stay? Is she alone a lot? What does she do when she's with you?

It could be that she's lonely and needs the company... or she could be trying to rule the roost by being there so often.

07/08/2012 at 10:17

She has family and friends and keeps herself busy most of the time but just can't stand being on her own it seems.

When she's here she basically gets waited on by me. As I work part-time in a school I am home more. I can honestly say I have even thought about getting a full time job. Now how bad is that ?

07/08/2012 at 10:22

Hmmm - difficult. 

I wouldn't want ANYONE coming to stay for days at a time, let alone on a regular basis.

You need to put your foot down a bit now.  Say to your husband, that yes, you SHOULD have said something sooner, but you are saying it now - you don't want her to come so often or for so long. 

You really do need to be honest about this, but it's not going to go down well, I think.  He's also now in a difficult position - having to deal with his mother who's got used to these visits.

You need to agree on what is acceptable in terms of frequency and duration, then both stick to it. 

I am so glad I've never had a MiL like this!

07/08/2012 at 10:24

Visitors are the reason we invented hotels.  Fish and house guests - they both start to smell after a couple of days.

"Should have", not "should of".

07/08/2012 at 10:29

OMG - Are you my sister ? She is always telling me off for that.. have/of..

07/08/2012 at 10:32

I think Wilkie has the best (most sane) approach.

Maybe say its nice to have you here occasionally but not so frequently? I know that if I had to weight on them - i'd honestly get frustrated a lot earlier than you!

How does your husband feel about the visits? is he happy to have his mum around? Does she behave differently with you as opposed to him?

07/08/2012 at 10:51

Husband loves having her to stay. He thinks she's no bother..He sits and chats to her over tea when he gets in at 7.30pm and then at breakfast. I am the one who stays with her all day. I creep down early in the morning to sit for 5 mins and have a coffee on my own.

Thank you for listening & I will say to my husband, once he starts talking to me again. I do like the visits, just not so often also please ask me first (Not in front of her)

Oh, can't wait for her to turn up later today. Can't even go for a run as I have pulled my neck..Oh joys... 

07/08/2012 at 10:56

Can't families be complicated. Yes you really need to be honest and say how you feel. Just because you don't like having someone in your house for several days each month it doesn't mean that you dislike that person.

I thought once a year family get togethers were enough.

Should of - is should've - therefore it's right.

07/08/2012 at 11:00

How long have you been married?

Maybe suggest to your husband that he takes a few days off work to stay at home and have some quality time with his mother

If your husband isn't talking to you at the moment, perhaps you could write him a letter - that way he can't interrupt you and derail the conversation too.  You can make your points clearly and unemotionally that way.

Can you think of some activity that MiL won't want to do - invite her to come, but go without her if doesn't want to come along?  Long, loooong, walks, maybe, as you can't run?

If all else fails get a full time job, or volunteer at a local charity shop!

07/08/2012 at 11:03

Lil - all you can be is honest and truthful. He needs to respect that it's your space as well and you have the right to peace and quiet and to be relaxed in your own home.

Who told you that she was upset about it being moved?


07/08/2012 at 11:06
Lil. wrote (see)

Husband. He says i'm a charlatan because I am always nice to her face and then the truth is I don't really enjoy the monthly visits. I should of been honest long ago but I felt I couldn't because he is always asking her to stay.


T.mouse wrote (see)

Should of - is should've - therefore it's right.

Should've is a contraction of 'should have', and is right.  'Should of' sounds like it, but it's not correct in writing.



07/08/2012 at 11:20

Wilkie -We have been together 24 years. Only 19 when met. I was thinking just the same. Extra LONG walks for the next few days. Funny thing is. He has 2 weeks booked off at the end of the month. He didn't mention that would be a better time to stay. Hhmmmm..

Emmy - Sister in-law spoke with husband saying "Mum is really down about something" then continued with. "Wasn't she planning a trip down to you ? She can't stand the sight of her Mother in-law.

Keep you fingers crossed girls & thanks again. You have helped.

07/08/2012 at 17:02

Define some limits.


07/08/2012 at 17:03

Do you have a dog?

If so, have its tail docked. Because clearly someone in the house is giving the MiL the impression that she's welcome.

07/08/2012 at 20:01

Getting stuck with a mother in law for the best bit of a week every month is a ridiculous burden on you.

You and your husband have your own life now, so although the odd visit is nice and all of that type sentiments, such a regular occurrence is getting silly.

You need to tell your husband this needs to change. Either he takes some holiday to be around more, or he makes more visits the other way.

Must be hard for him could you tell your own mother, the person responsible of bringing you up that she's an imposition!

07/08/2012 at 20:13

Let us know how it goes

Hopefully the visit will be better this time but make sure that hubby realises how my pressure and stress this puts on you. I love my mother in law dearly but if she was there for 3 days a month - i'd be going absolutely nuts.

07/08/2012 at 23:09
70's male comedians used to make a living off mother in law jokes. In reality it's the relationship between wife and mother in law that's often the most tense. There's been some rocky times with visits here. I feel for you.
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