Comedy Effluent

Get rid of your unfunny comedy waste material here

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15/01/2010 at 12:54

Letter to agony uncle -

Dear John

I hope you can help me.  The other day I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled and then broke down about a mile down the road and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him he broke down and confessed that they've been having an affair for 6 months. He refuses to go to counselling and I'm afraid I'm a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help.

Sincerely, Sheila

15/01/2010 at 12:56

Reply by agony uncle -

Dear Sheila

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start be checking there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the inlet manifold. Also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem it could be caused by a fault fuel pump, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps.

John

15/01/2010 at 15:25

With all the snow and ice on the pavements , the council are trying to keep the kids from walking in the middle of the road. They have bought a new machine which they hope will frighten the kids, they are calling it the Gary Gritter.

SS

16/01/2010 at 10:10
6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy
16/01/2010 at 12:20

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.

Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers.

She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

03/02/2010 at 15:39

My wife's an internet p0rn star.......

   

She'll kill me if she ever finds out.

04/02/2010 at 00:01

A man in a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun. "Open
the f***ing safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter.

"But we're not a real bank," she replies, "we don't have any money,
this is a sperm bank!"

"Don't argue, open the f***ing safe or I'll blow your head off," yells
the man with the gun.

She obliges and once she's opened the safe door the bloke says, "Take
out one of the bottles and drink it."

"But it's full of sperm!" she replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it!" he shouts. She prises the cap off and
gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too," he demands. She takes out
another and drinks it as well.

Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement
it's her husband. "There," he says, "it's not that difficult is it, darling?"

Edited: 04/02/2010 at 00:01
04/02/2010 at 10:21
HAHAHHAHAHAH!
05/02/2010 at 19:52

since my wife went senile all she does is stare through the window all day long

With all the cold weather we have had I have had to let her in.

05/02/2010 at 20:30
Very good, EH!
12/03/2010 at 16:23

Credit to the late great Chic Murray for this one - It's better heard with the first line spoken in a strong Scottish accent so please imagine Sean Connery telling it :-

"Is this confection an éclair or a meringue?"

"no your quite correct it's and éclair"

12/03/2010 at 16:58
Two strips of tarmac are sitting in a bar having a pint. A third strip, painted red, walks in. One turns to the other and says "don't mix it with him - he's a bit of a cycle path"
12/03/2010 at 17:15

Two bits of venereal disease sitting on a railway track.

All of a sudden a train speeds towards them at 100 mph.

One of them turns to the other and says: "Oh no, I'm a gonnorhea!"

12/03/2010 at 20:15

I suppose the other one said.

"I'm gona chlymoudahere

29/04/2010 at 16:02
I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door.
They asked me what I would like for my birthday and I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said,
"I wanna watch."
29/04/2010 at 16:11

A bloke comes home from work and says to his wife "I've heard the milkman has slept with every woman in this village apart from one". 

His wife says "yeah I bet it's that grumpy cow at number 57".

29/04/2010 at 16:58

i ask my local butcher "how long can i keep a chicken in the freezer he said oh about a couple of months"

 " well thats funny i said  i put one in last night and it was dead the next morning"

30/04/2010 at 09:18
Whats the difference between Basil Brush and a terrorist with a
rucksack?

The terrorist with a rucksack only goes "Boom" once.
30/04/2010 at 16:20
paddy and jimmy need a drink. they pool their money but only have 50p.paddy takes the money into the butchers and buys a sausage. they go into a bar , order two pints and down them .before the barman asks for the cash paddy puts the sausage into his fly and jimmy sucks it .the barman throws them out . in the 10th pub paddy says i can't do this anymore my knees are killing me.  jimmy replies- your knees! . i lost the sausage in the second pub!
02/05/2010 at 00:08

five Englishmen were taveling in an audi quatro from the north of Ireland to the south. when they got to the border the border guard told them that he was placing them under arrest as there  was five of them in a quatro.

They tried to explain that quatro was just the name and the vehicle was legally equiped to carry five.

their entreaties fell on deaf ears. the guard was adamant that he was arresting them.

they asked to see his superior officer butwere told that this was impossible,so asked why it was impossible.

because he is arresting two other Englishmen for travelling in a fiat uno.

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