Comedy Effluent

i ask my local butcher "how long can i keep a chicken in the freezer he said oh about a couple of months"

 " well thats funny i said  i put one in last night and it was dead the next morning"

five Englishmen were taveling in an audi quatro from the north of Ireland to the south. when they got to the border the border guard told them that he was placing them under arrest as there  was five of them in a quatro.

They tried to explain that quatro was just the name and the vehicle was legally equiped to carry five.

their entreaties fell on deaf ears. the guard was adamant that he was arresting them.

they asked to see his superior officer butwere told that this was impossible,so asked why it was impossible.

because he is arresting two other Englishmen for travelling in a fiat uno.

wondered where this thread had gone, so >>>

marriage is like a pack of cards: you start off with two hearts and a diamond, but after a year or two you wish you had a club and a spade...

Since someone went to the effort of spam-boinging...

I pledged a pound for charity earlier.

They said it was the shiniest quid they'd ever seen.

A carrot?

Warning the following joke is not for all tastes.........

What do Kate Middleton and Dodi Fayed have in common...?

They've both had their finger in Diana's ring....

More!

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your f......g will power'

Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex........... Wish me luck, I appear in court next Monday.

A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry about the wait ' I said ' don't worry, you'll lose it eventually 'Snow hell! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself ' she'll be lucky with a face like that!'

I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away ' But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!

But