Want to race but cant

childcare issue!

21 to 40 of 71 messages
cougie    pirate
15/01/2012 at 20:22
Ignoring the husband thing - if the kids are 12 and 10 why can't the 12 year old look after the 10 year old ? It shouldn't be that hard ? Or leave them with friends or neighbours or relatives ? Or leave them with club members kids ?
And does your husband race every weekend ?
Im sure there are ways around it.
15/01/2012 at 20:25
............ or get the husband to make some effort...
cougie    pirate
15/01/2012 at 20:45
But the OP seems to be saying that the only solution is for her husband not to race ? Which sounds as stubborn as him saying he's racing ?
15/01/2012 at 20:46
My OH is a non-runner, but he has other interests that always appear to take priority over anything I have booked in to do. I have to remind him that this is something I need to do to keep me sane - literally.
Your OH sounds very competitive and insecure - him finding a "better" club, wanting to buy the best trainers. Why not try to use his competitive nature by asking him how he would manage it. Having done some research, children should be 16 before looking after a sibling...
Slow_coach    pirate
15/01/2012 at 21:09
Muttley wrote (see)

Just pointing out that there are two sides to every story. Take as much offence as you wish! 

Silence is sometimes the best answer

By Dalai Lama XIV

(therefore I remain in silence)

cougie wrote (see)
Ignoring the husband thing - if the kids are 12 and 10 why can't the 12 year old look after the 10 year old ? It shouldn't be that hard ? Or leave them with friends or neighbours or relatives ? Or leave them with club members kids ? And does your husband race every weekend ? Im sure there are ways around it.


Well if there was a way around that I could think of I would not have started a thread??
No, unfortunately we cant ask friends or neighbours (as already stated) seems that I have to give lots of personal information here, one side of our family lives 1hr + away, another is elderly, son is not the easiest child to deal with etc etc. The Point is that the kids are our responsability not family, friends or 'neighbours' which we dont really know! You obviously have to believe what is said is in good faith otherwise what would be the point?

He has planned 2 races in Jan (one already done), 4 in Feb, 3 in March and 4 in April.

I had planned none in Jan (recovering from injury), 1 in Feb, 2 in Mar, 2 in Apr.

cougie wrote (see)
But the OP seems to be saying that the only solution is for her husband not to race ? Which sounds as stubborn as him saying he's racing ?


Can you please show me in bold and underlined WHERE I stated or implied that the only solution is for my husband not to race??? I stated in my OP that I suggested that we take it in turns  but he thinks that is not necessary and that the kids are safe to wait at the finish line.

Edited: 15/01/2012 at 21:18
15/01/2012 at 21:26

I think he is entering in so many races just to be awkward. Looks like he is racing most weekends, which is totally not necessary.

I agree with you that the kids are too young to be left alone - I wouldn't leave a 12 year old in charge of the other one - it is just not right to give a kid that kind of responsibility.

Not sure how you are going to do it, but you really need to make him see how unreasonable he is being. Otherwise you are really going to resent him and things will get worse.

15/01/2012 at 21:42
Seems to me that if you can't have a mature and sensible conversation together and come to some sort of compromise that you've got bigger problems than just not being able to do the races you want.
No dirty tricks will do the job, but you've got to be able to come to a solution!

IMHO taking it in turn is a great solution. Your kids aren't far off being able to be left (depending on the kids, and the area), and it may be fine for some shorter races.
cougie    pirate
15/01/2012 at 21:46
SC you're the one ruling out family friends other people and saying they're not to be left alone.

15/01/2012 at 22:15

I understand the issue of having no family/friends on hand for babysitting duties but they're generally opposed to this first thing on a weekend morning anyway and it could be a bit unfair to ask frequently.  So my solution would be to find a reliable babysitter to sit on said sprogs for a morning, allowing you both to race and then have post race coffee & analysis together as a couple.  Factor this in to your annual racing budget if you have one and spread the cost over the year. 

I'm not getting drawn in to the whole fairness issue because there's only one side presented but if your account is a fair one (not implying its not, just don't have both sides) I'd tell you to 'man' the fuck up, tell him to stop being a precious twat, fix his priorities and lay down the law for 50% of the year.  For your kid's sake if nothing else.

15/01/2012 at 22:53
dump him
16/01/2012 at 08:06
Dave The Ex- Spartan wrote (see)
dump him

I am sure that was your advice to me as well Dave!! Hope you are not a marriage counsellor!
seren nos yn canu    pirate
16/01/2012 at 09:02
i think the children ages on their own are misleading........only the parents can judge the nature of the children and if they are old enough to be sensible looking after each other in this situation.......every child is different and the relationship of the two children is different.....

i could leave my middle on in those situations from 10 no doubt.the eldest and youngest I wouldn't leave at 15 in those situations.they are all different.......
#

maybe this is less about running and more about your different views on how much responsibility that the children should be given.....maybe you are more worrying and protective and he thinks that kids need some space and responsibility to grow and that you are fussing them.......

obviously as i know neither of you or your kids then I can't say if any of that is true or not......


on the other hand.if he has always been a runner and always ran those races then I can see his point about not wanting to give them up......if my partner took up my hobby and it clashed with my regular plans I might resent it and tell them its their job to sort out child care as i had those events booked first....

or he could just be a complete bastard and you should follow Daves advice........



16/01/2012 at 09:05

Well he is enough of a problem for her to write and tell a bunch of strangers,

So either she has told him how she feels and he doesn't care, or she is unable to talk to him and tell him how she feels...

Either way, she is only happy telling a bunch of strangers, not the person she shares her life and children with.

The relationship is therefore stuffed, she might just as well dump him now and get on with her life

Slow_coach    pirate
16/01/2012 at 09:06
Hi exiled claret, it sounds like that but in reality I think he is just being naive in thinking that the kids will be ok. I genuinely think that he is not taking the issue seriously and that Im making a fuss out of nothing and that everything will be ok and stop worrying.


Hi Crazy Diamond, thanks for your post, something to think about there

Dave The Ex- Spartan: No chance of that, we are happily married otherwise! Yes we did speak as I mentioned before already, just coming here to get others point of view. If everyone were to tell me 'yes you are fine, if they are responsible kids, do live them waiting then I'd be questioning myself and maybe reconsider, but if the consensus is that regardless of how responsible I feel they might be, they should not be left waiting for us then it reinforces my ethics.

Mathschick, LOL


seren nos

*****maybe you are more worrying and protective and he thinks that kids need some space and responsibility to grow and that you are fussing them.......*****

I thinks is exactly his point of view. I must reassure you that my relationship is not crumbling it's just a new factor that has appeared in our life and for the first time and we have not found an agreement YET.


****on the other hand.if he has always been a runner and always ran those races then I can see his point about not wanting to give them up......if my partner took up my hobby and it clashed with my regular plans I might resent it and tell them its their job to sort out child care as i had those events booked first....***********

When he run the previous years he only run 3-4 events in a year. Now that he has joined a Club, after I did, he has taken it to a different level and is trying to get himself involved in ALL races available (bar full marathons - even though he has set his head on a Outlaw IM?)
He seems to have become completely absorbed into it all, I mean (another example) if we go past one of the routes he runs he start rumbling on the training he has done there and how hard that hill is and how many times he went up and down on it etc etc sometimes I listen to allow it to get it out of his system, sometimes I yawn in a jokey way and he gets the message LOL
Edited: 16/01/2012 at 09:18
16/01/2012 at 09:20
Slow_coach wrote (see)


  If everyone were to tell me 'yes you are find, if they are responsible kids do live them waiting then I'd be questioning myself and maybe give it a try, but if the consensus us that regardless of how responsible I feel they might be, they should not be left waiting for us then it reinforces my ethics.




TBH, they're your children, you know them, we don't.  The only people who should decide whether or not it's safe / adviseable / appropriate to leave them - under any circumstances - are you and your husband. 

Slow_coach wrote (see)

He seems to have become completely absorbed into it all, I mean (another example) if we go past one of the routes he runs he start rumbling on the training he has done there and how hard that hill is and how many times he went up and down on it etc etc sometimes I listen to allow it to get it out of his system, sometimes I yawn in a jokey way and he gets the message LOL

Maybe he feels that you're not taking him seriously either if this is how you respond.

Seems to me that a bit of communication wouldn't go amiss.

Edited: 16/01/2012 at 09:25
16/01/2012 at 09:42
Hellywobs wrote (see)

... 

We ended up asking my mum to babysit a few times so we could do the same races but that's not fair on herI did take a hard line once - I'd registered for the 2011 Great South Run the day after the 2010 one, and then my other half registered for it too.  I said he had to find a babysitter or he wasn't doing it, as I'd registered first.  He was going to ask his sister and then she broke her hip!  So my poor mum got roped in again for the last time.

...

I thought Grannies loved to see their grandchildren? 

16/01/2012 at 09:53
Hellywobs wrote (see)

... 

We ended up asking my mum to babysit a few times so we could do the same races but that's not fair on herI did take a hard line once - I'd registered for the 2011 Great South Run the day after the 2010 one, and then my other half registered for it too.  I said he had to find a babysitter or he wasn't doing it, as I'd registered first.  He was going to ask his sister and then she broke her hip!  So my poor mum got roped in again for the last time.

...

See the whole relationship is built on conflict... I enetered before you did Nah Nah Nah

You might as well dump him now and get it over with

16/01/2012 at 10:32
ah - yet another good reason to not have kids.....



16/01/2012 at 11:51

Whole relationship built on conflict?  That's a bit of an extrapolation!  I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for priority if you register for an event 364 days in advance and then your other half decides they want to do it too six months later without sorting out the babysitting.

Yes (most) grandparents like seeing their grandkids, but being asked to drive 3 hours to babysit for a race is quite an ask I think - that's the distance we live apart.  If she lived 10 minutes down the road it would be different but even then I don't think you should take the mickey.  But that's a whole new thread for a whole other forum like mumsnet...

At one event the wife of a fellow member of the running club watched our son while we both did the 5k and at another event a fellow member texted me the day before and said she'd keep an eye on him because she had a dodgy knee and wasn't running so I ran as well as my other half.  So the OP might find new friends who can help out on an ad hoc basis. 

As the oldest one is 12 it probably is a short term problem for the OP - another couple of years and they should be old enough to do what her partner suggests.

But in the meantime - rota like I suggested.  You get your first choice race one month, he gets his the next etc.  Easy, reasonable and fair.  And at some of the races there may be fun runs that the kids can do and they might get into running too...

16/01/2012 at 12:40

assuming your other half isnt Mo Farah, then he shouldnt get first billings.

Im assuming he isnt a plum the rest of the time, but probably looks at your level of running as "not as worthy" as his so he should take first dibs.  I sort of understand that, still doesnt mean its not selfish. If he is competitive we are focused on winning/places so there is a sort of heirarchy.  While i understand it, he is wrong!

Sit down with him telling him this is affecting you and to list all the races you both want to do way in advance.  and where there is a clash list all those and if there are 2 races that clash, let him chose the which he would rather run in and you will run in the other.

My wife doesnt run, but i have plenty of clashes with her stuff, all i do is look at the clashes decide which races are important to me and if i give on the others does that make it work for her.  If it doesnt we look at the individual races and compromise.

I would NEVER leave my 10yr old at the finish line.

time you had a proper conversation, this is just plain selfish

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