Anti-depressants & training

What's the effect?

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07/10/2003 at 10:06
I would say guilt is a major cause of my depression. This is now going to get very personal.

My mother-in-law died the day my eldest son was due. I was almost 2 weeks overdue when the funeral was held. I was OK I think. My second son arrived 4 weeks early (18 months between them). When he was about 2 months old I was diagnosed with postnatal depression. I had tried to breastfeed both of them but was unable to. Joshua just couldn't keep his bottom lip in the proper place, Samuel was jaundiced and I suffer from Raynauds Syndrome (so exposure of extremities to air meant they lose some circulation and go numb). I felt so guilty at not giving them the best start in life and having to resort to bottle feeds. I was on 20mg Seroxat for about 3 months. GP was pleased with my progress so I came off the pills.

My second son was not a good sleeper and into everything. The terrible twos seemed never ending and indeed got worse. Also at this time my eldest's speech development was very slow. We ended up seeing the paediatrician and were referred to the assessment centre. My eldest has Aspergers Syndrome/DAMP (disorders in attention, motor control and perception). This was a real blow as there was nothing at birth to indicate this. We were still having behaviour problems with the youngest. I had to do a parenting course (which I felt was an insult to my intelligence!), which didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. He was referred to the paediatrician, who referred him to the psychologist. All this time, he has become increasingly violent towards me, my husband, his brother and anyone else nearby at the time! The psychologist diagnosed ADHD and possibly Aspergers Syndrome - another blow. I wondered what I had done to deserve 2 special needs children and all the stress that goes with it (appointments, fighting to get support at school, trying to get respite care etc). I also started work for the first time after having the children and decided to be a support worker to, yes you've guessed it, adults with learning disabilities. I found this very hard and had to reduce my hours.

My father is a manic depressive and had a minor stroke not very long ago. My father cannot talk to my mother and so tends to lean on me for support (which I could, of course, do without). I just felt I was drowning in supporting everyone else but forgetting about myself. My husband is brilliant and so supportive - I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him. I had even decided how I was going to commit suicide even though I couldn't go through with it. I couldn't leave him on his own with the kids. I just felt I couldn't cope anymore with the youngest's behaviour and the type of work I was doing, plus supporting my dad.

I went to see a different GP in the Summer because of how I felt (I was also doing a little bit of self-harm too but nothing that drastic!). He decided that the Seroxat weren't doing anything this time and that I would benefit from seeing a psychiatrist. She has been quite helpful in trying to help me look at a lot of what has happened in my life and say it isn't my fault and that I couldn't do anything to change things. She also said I should be more assertive. She put me on the Efexor and that has helped a great deal (plus it has sorted out some of the physical problems caused by the Seroxat).

At the risk of offending anyone, I am a Christian but this has really tested my faith (ie why has God given me two "imperfect" children ?) That has given me an extra bit of support - my church family have been fantastic. I do struggle some days as to whether God exists when He feels so far away but that is altogether another discussion for another time and place.

who could waffle for England!
07/10/2003 at 10:06
Staggers - why are you now Scary? Or is it because halloween is looming? You didn't look scary on your other picture?

Sorry my last post went on so long - I think it feels better for having put it in print, even though I've talked it through with the psychiatrist. Maybe this is part of the getting better process. At least I can talk/write about it now without bursting into tears!

07/10/2003 at 10:19
The scary came about cos ever time I posted, the threads seemed to die for ages (not this one, porkers, plodders and FFF), so obviuosly I was scarring everybody off (yes, it is very tongue in cheek).

If you write that previous post without tears you are making a lot of progress. Its very moving, and you've had a lot of things happen....

The writing things down and keep saying things is what the counselling does for you to an extent (I feel) - keep repeating what's happened and you can begin to see that its not your fault, that you shouldn't be so hard on yourself.
07/10/2003 at 10:45
Keep it going, people. One foot in front of the other, repeat. Hugs all round.

Quick (shallow, over-simplistic) thought of the day - the way I see it, depression causes guilt, rather than the other way round. It might be more productive to consider why you feel guilt rather than how you respond to it. CC - you don't have any reason to feel guilty, whether you see that or not. It's not your fault that you're human (and a pretty special one) and respond to pretty severe stress in a human way.
07/10/2003 at 13:10
thanks Swerve. There's a similar comment about getting round a marathon using run/walk: run a mile, walk a minute, repeat 26 times, collect medal for finishing.

No medals to collect but the sentiment the's same, one step at a time but keep going. And doing one thing at once makes each thing easier to do...
07/10/2003 at 14:21
Having just done my first marathon, I can confidently say that depression's far harder! I think you've earned a really big, extra-shiny medal.
08/10/2003 at 08:45
:-) Medals for all, bringing new spin on the race for life.

Another day at home with this darn cold.

Managed to book the weekend away yesterday, more expensive than expected but also more luxury and convenience. There was a bit of fun with finding travel insurance as well, the number of policies that say basically if you're been diagnosed and are being treated for stress/anxiety/depression you can't be covered! So needed to shop around more than expected for that bit of the trip....

How do I feel? Well apart from the throat, not too bad. A bit fed up but the rest is helping, and I feel to have stopped brooding/worrying about as many things. Still don't feel to concentrate on things very well - this being a case in point, but this does need a bit a thought to say the right thing (i.e. what I want to say may not be what everyone thinks, whatever). But the lack of concentration is more of a bored feeling rather than a can't be bothered, so it has changed.
08/10/2003 at 09:17
Glad to hear that things are starting to look up a bit for you, Staggers.

Hope you get rid of the cold soon. I must admit to getting bored resting at home if I have one.

Must remember the travel insurance bit. We have the same with our boys - if they are ill with anything to do with ADHD/Aspergers and we have to cancel a holiday because of it, we aren't covered (except there isn't any illness linked with either).

Good to hear that you aren't worrying/brooding about so many things. I find my concentration a bit lacking due to medication - I cannot do much cross stitch anymore which saddens me because it is one of my favourite hobbies (and very relaxing!)

All round good news and cause for celebration, methinks!

Way to go Staggers!

09/10/2003 at 16:14
I must be starting to see the otherside of this virus, I almost feel like going out to run. Still very tired even after sleeping most of the morning again, but still feeling reasonably bright.

This weeks illness has done me good in another way as well as the rest, I've not been drinking as must alcohol either. One measure of whiskey a night instead of a few beers must be good for all of me especially the head.
09/10/2003 at 16:24

Good to hear that you are feeling better. It is a good sign that you feel like going out for a run.

Keep resting until your energy levels return to normal and the tiredness has gone. When you do next go out for a run, take it steady.

It is my last week as a support worker next week and I'm really looking forward to it, despite the fact that I have enjoyed the work. I enjoy working in the gym and I started another new job today - working in a running shop! I am now working doing jobs that are to do with 2 of my main interests! Also, working at the running shop I get 20% discount! Guess whose family will be getting running stuff for Christmas (whether they want it or not!)!

It has been a hard day, though, learning how to use the till, finding where everything is displayed and stored etc. But once I have built up a bit of confidence on that front, I should be fine. Took my first mail order order too!

Look forward to hearing more encouraging news from you.

CC xx
09/10/2003 at 19:04
you are really changing your life
i admire you
09/10/2003 at 19:11
Creamcake all the best and well done
09/10/2003 at 20:27
Hello everyone - how are you all in here?

Everyone seems to be terribly strong and brave.


((((((((big hugs all round)))))))

Inspiring lot, all of you.

10/10/2003 at 08:44
Hi Creamcake, that is really good news, you "sound" very happy with the changes that you are making.
13/10/2003 at 08:33
Meant to do an update over the weekend but it didn't happen.

Weekend ok, fairly busy with family things and sport. Spent Sunday morning shouting at children, and then watched sport with sport kid and helped wife with database whilst making tea. Been a little bit short of sleep over the weekend, but not too bad.

Head not good today, after feeling to make a lot of progress last week, I feel to have taken a load of steps backwards. Nothing specifically, but a bit of atmosphere at home just left me feeling down. I listened more than usual and realised just how much we shout at each other as a family, what seeds are we sowing?

I wanted to talk about some things over the weekend, but the time was never right, maybe that's part of today's down.

still let's see how work goes.
14/10/2003 at 09:08
Oh dear, today doesn't feel a good day yet.

Woke early (4:30), which isn't a good start, but made the most of it and went for a plod round the large block. About 3 miles in 34 minutes, which is ok in that I ran all the way, but not good in that it's 4 minutes slower than 6 weeks ago.

Strange thing, I can't remember about 40 metres of it. Now that might be normal to some people, but I can usually picture the whole of the route in my mind. So today when I sort of realised I was not where I expected to be and I can't remember any of that bit, which includes crossing a road, it all feels a little strange.

Feeling down generally today so far. My wife is looking how I feel, I can see the conversation going along the lines of "its your fault I feel bad". I might be wrong but I don't think so, and part of me says well there's bound to be a bit of a backlash as it does feel like its one thing after another.

Need to make an appointment with the GP, to check up on the tablets. Not sure how well they're working but I don't want to try changing again this month.
14/10/2003 at 09:17
Hello Staggering

I'm sorry I haven't posted - I had a very bad day Friday (the first for ages!). The kids really got me down and I ended up in tears threatening that one day I'd walk out the door and never come back! I eventually calmed down and apologised to the boys but did explain that their behaviour had upset me. We all have our down days, whether or not we take medication!

I know what you mean about not knowing part of a run/journey. Whilst on Cipramil (citalopram) and Seroxat (paroxetine), I drove home from work several times without being able to remember the whole journey (and it's only about 4 miles!). I also felt light headed and occasionally dizzy so haven't really run outside since I've been on the tablets, done most of my stuff on the CV machines in the gym.

I think an appointment with the GP to check up on the tablets would be a good move. Tell him about the run and not remembering part of it. If you've had any other side effects that could have put you in a dangerous position, tell the GP and ask if it will improve.

Sorry not to be much help. I think we all take 3 steps forward and 2 steps back...

CC xx
14/10/2003 at 09:50
Sorry to hear you had such a bad day CC, did the kids understand why they upset you?

I guess I'd forgotten how much progress is round and round, and not just a simple case of steadily progressing....
14/10/2003 at 10:19
I cringe now when I think of some of the things I've said to my oldest daughter when she has been "difficult". Things my mother said to me and I always, even as a child, promised myself that I would never talk to my own children like that.

We can all flip under stress, and certain sorts of stress are more inclined to spring the trigger.
14/10/2003 at 10:52
Hmm, yes I can remember the odd occasion when a child has been whining about not getting their own way, snapping and saying how much I don't want to be a parent, what we do without... you get the picture, but usually once calm has been restored you remember its total bollox, the world can be a much better place with the smile or hug from your child
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