Calorie increase in eating disorder recovery... Now I can't stop eating :(

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16/01/2012 at 05:10
summerrain wrote (see)
I totally needed that, Jenn - thanks How do you handle running and eating? Do you count calories or just go by what your body tells you? I can't imagine being able to trust my body, but I guess one day I'll figure it out!

That is a big question! Its taken a few years of hit and misses to get to a point where I tolerate my weight better and every day is a new day and comes with its own mental battles. It does get easier in some ways but lots of it is about getting into a pattern and learning what pattern works- though I have learnt that these pattens only work for a little while (few months) before I need to veer into another pattern, its all a learning curve! I think I owe a lot to the treatment I have (psychotherapist, psychiatrist and dietition) and many times going home and just following what the dietition has said to the word (or as close as I can get to it) then going back and seeing what happened and if I didn't like the results then changing something- with the dietitions say so rather then my own "I'll fix it by doing more exercise" or whatever.

 I suppose in my mind I wanted things to change, I made a choice and its something I constantly have to keep reminding myself I have to stay true to and bear in mind a lot. I can see myself being in eating disordered hell/limbo forever unless I make changes, There are no promises it all gets better or goes away but at least that horrible little voice that says "your wasting your life!!" to me at 3am when I am trying to sleep reduces when I try to make more posative life improving changes. I've had my ED since I was 15, I know its not going anywhere fast but I also know that unless I am careful I could get to 50 (if I live that long- many ED sufferes don't) and just look back on my life and see nothing but an empty lonely and dull existance and the only one to blame will be me. I don't want to feel like that so this motivates me.

I can't say I'm perfect and don't preach to be- I make more then enough mistakes but the thing that gets me through them is knowing I can learn from them and do better next time. I read your post and saw someone who with an ED is struggling with the ED ideology still. Most healthy people would have a few days of over eating and just ride it out, maybe eat a little less if it was overeating but not be worried enough to impose the cuts if they didn't feel like it, you seemed to get very caught up in trying to fix it by restricting- every time you act on that ED idology you enforce it, you make it stronger it grows and the battle becomes harder, its not easy to battle with the best of times but does get easier the more you don't obey the rules it comes with. Thats been my experience anyway.

16/01/2012 at 05:15

^^ That wasn't meant as a criticism by the way! I can just see what you can't because I'm not you- if I posted something similar you'd be in the exact same position I am!

Go easy on yourself, its still early days and will be early days for a while, it does get easier, its about trusting the advice your dietitian gives you- going and saying when it doesn't work so things can be worked on but also about not being hard on your own mistakes. They are how you learn things from and give you the chance to make things better. You'd be in a very fragile position if you never make any mistakes, you'd not have the same degree of strength or understanding.

18/01/2012 at 11:21
Well, what started off as a random excess of calories has spiralled into a week of eating sugary crap, purging (many times) and lots of crying. If I had just seen it as a slight lapse, picked myself up and carried on as normal I'd be fine now. But will I learn from this lesson? Not sure, as I've been through seven long years of this... You'd think I'd have it sorted by now, but hey, that's what eating disorders are there for - to cause havoc Next time...

I hope I can get to a place like you soon. Life isn't all that long and I too don't want to look back at it with regret. It's just a lot of hard work and perseverance that is absolutely essential!

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