Early Fat Club - 9/10

hello guys .. sorry I haven't been online today but I have been reading everything!
Now I need help and I thought I knew of a bunch of folks to assist me!
My man has decided to take my lack of weight loss personally as if I am deliberatly refusing to lose anything to spite him. He is fat- phobic (is there such a word!) although I ain't totally obese yet, I do have 2st to lose. problem is he always sees me when I have a bad day and have some wine or a magnum and so thinks I don't try! And as we all know it doesn't come off over night! Any ideas? he's misserable so I am too and I would appreciate a shoulder to cry on from those who understand (yes you guessed he has never had a weight issue greater than 2lb!) I'm at college tomorrow which is my biggest problem area but I would really appreciate some words of wisdom! Thanks everyone!
EP

Ep, I could slap him!!
I know thats not helpful , but he should be supporting you, this sort of attitude is going to make you have more bad days, with the inevitable consequence
perhaps you should change your focus from weight loss to getting fit
You have achieved so much , run your first 10K and training for a half marathon, all in a matter of months!
This is what you should focus on, not how much you weigh on the scales
you said in an earlier post that youd lost inches, well show him that, and remind him of how much fitter and more toned you are.
Actually it really annoys me, cos i expect you do most of the childcare and housework too as well as working
And then you fit in exercise
Does he???
Concentrate on the fitness aspect, if you focus on the scales and hes watching your every bite, then youll be under too much pressure to lose weight sensibly, and youll end up on a crash diet or worse
If he doesnt listen to reason, Im sure there are a few forumites who would sort him out
Good luck, remember were all here if you need to whinge

EP, you are never going to lose an ounce if he is sitting like an albatross on your shoulder and squawking about it. Know your boundaries and don't take personal responsibility for the fact that you've got a miserable man on your hands. Especially don't let him pin it on your weight, or manipulate you into believing that your weight is the only problem. If he wasn't projecting whatever IS making him dissatisfied with his life on to your extra 2st, he'd be blaming it on something else external to himself. Fat-phobic? If he's consistently incapable of seeing through fat to the qualities that really matter, he's going to become very short of friends as the population gets chubbier.

What you do has to be your decision - grin, bear it, inwardly seethe, and shed a few tears in private, or tell him that this is how you are and although you're carrying an extra ounce or two you're getting fitter by the day, or tell him that this is how you are and he's going to have to live with it and you'd welcome a bit of appreciation for all the things you are achieving in other areas of your life. Or ask, seriously, for his support - and, in return, keep your part of the bargain and let him see how hard you are trying. As a generalisation, men can't tune in to the "food-as-comfort" thing which we women often indulge in, and certainly can't connect with the fact that your brain is switched on to a healthy lifestyle yet what he sees you doing is completely the opposite. It really scrambles the poor simple souls.

Equally, beware of projecting your own dissatisfaction with your weight on to your other half. Is he really making an issue of it, or are you prodding him into agreeing that you're too fat, then taking it personally when he DOES agree? Or could he be getting fed up with you going on and on about needing to lose weight yet always appearing to be wrapped around a chocolate biscuit? I'm not being deliberately provocative - these are all behaviour patterns I've come across frequently in couples, and if you recognise yourself there, please give the poor fellow a break!

I hope you feel a lot better in the morning. You can survive a day in college - you know what you should be doing to benefit your health - your own health, for you're the only one who has to live permanently in your body - and you've got the strength and intelligence to carry it through. And at the end of a bad day, get the man to look after the boy for an hour and go and do a run or an exercise class instead of hitting the fridge. You'll feel so much better for it. In the long term, you CAN sort these issues out.

Blessings, V-rap.

Morning everyone.
EP, must admit my first reaction was the same as benz's. But if I understand what V-rap is saying I also agree that it's best not to externalise these things. Do your running and be health conscious for your own sake, without reference to anybody else.

Got to admit that I don't understand him, by the way. My other half now comes out running with me three or four times a week and I always encourage her because it's good for her health and self esteem. But although she worries about her weight I always make it clear that I'm more than happy with the shape she is. There are some very nasty ideas about the correct shape of a woman's body that have crept in over the last 40 years or so. To be honest, I'd always thought women were more affected by this than men, but maybe the disease is catching :-)

Guys you are just great! I knew you would make me feel better! See whenever my weight gets meantioned I tend to sulk and go all quiet as I know I am no longer the 8.10 i used to be (and I doubt if I will get there again but 9-9.7 would be nice!)
V-rap I hadn't thought about this the way you have said ... maybe we are just as bad as each other. Benz ... well we kinda share housework NOW but yes i do most of it, and seeing as he works nights I also get the little one too. I often feel at weekends that I have to go out with son so hubby can sleep .. maybe he is actually feeling left out?
Today I have been good with just some bread (didn't have time to toast it!) for brekkie and I have a lunch bag full of fruit... will have jacket spud for lunch. I also brought some comfy shoes and light dumb bells for a lunchtime power walk!! (can't go running as I will get all sweaty and nothing to eat! and the college is in the town center!)
I'm going to try and increase my running and be more aware of my eating habits ... mabe I should start using the smaller plate trick?
Anyway at college now so I must go get a cuppa tea before the intense stuff starts!
Thanks again for all your support!
EP

Hi EP

Like you I used to weigh around 8.10, I now weigh 10.12 and am starting running along with Weight Watchers to try to help me get rid of the weight. I have a weigh-in today at WW, we will see how it goes!

V-Rap, Benz and Glenn have pretty much said it all, really, just wanted to say I know what a struggle it is and I'm sure it doesn't help if you feel your other half is not giving you the support you need.

You are making the effort to get out there and run and that's brilliant, even if the weight isn't coming off yet are you feeling the benefits in other ways? Could it be that the reason you have not lost the weight is that you are toning up and increasing muscle mass? As you have mentioned, you have lost inches so that's definite progress!

Take care and keep going, and be kind to yourself.

Tortoise

EP

Do not get hung up on your weight – and as Benz has said concentrate on the fitness / training side of your life. Go out there and aim to improve the distance you can run, the amount of time you can run for and the speed you run at

Concentrate on this and your body will respond – it will adapt to make itself more capable of doing what you are wanting it today – it will do this by rebuilding itself into a more athletic body – thus less body fat.

I said don’t get hung up on you weight – I’d go one step further and say ‘do not weigh yourself for a month’ this will remove the negativity caused my the minor changes in your weight and allow you to focus on the more positive outcomes like you improvement in running and general fitness – allowing you to feel good about yourself.

Weight is not the be all and end all – I no quite a few people that when they get on the scales it indicates that they are over weight, but this is not the case due to the lean muscle mass and low body fat % - I’m according to my scales over a stone over weight but only have a body fat of 19% - if you can dump your scales in favour of a modern set that give body fat stats – you will see a greater improvement as a result of your training – Remember Muscle is heavy.

You said you have bad days – do not look at them as such or you will say ‘I’ve had a mars bar already I may as well continue with the bad day’ look at these instance as a minor slip not as a whole bad day, it will allow you to refocus your positive energies onto turning a minor slip into a good day.

As well as setting targets for you training also set targets for changing your eating habits – I say eating habits instead of diet because we do not diet – we make life style changes to our eating habits. Targets could be along the lines of: -

Over the next month I will half the amount of sugar I take in my Tea / coffee
Over the next x weeks I will stop using spreads (butter / margarine) on sandwiches
On Friday I am switching to skimmed milk
From now on I will avoid pepperoni pizza in favour of chicken

These targets allow you to make small incremental changes to your eating habits and lifestyle and help along with the training to build the new low fat YOU.

Sorry folks, that was a bit longer than I intended :o)

Will

Good stuff, WW. The incremental approach - making gradual changes that you hardly notice - beats the getting obsessive and doing everything at once approach, which can only lead to failure or an eating disorder. And a Magnum is a Magnum - about 250 calories? - not the destruction of a healthy eating plan and the undoing of all the good work so far. Thank goodness!

I have a relatively easy time because Mr V-rap isn't much bothered about what I eat or what I weigh, except that he likes us to eat together in the evenings. He did pass coment on my Hobnob consumption on Monday evening, but since I'd eaten over half the packet with one cup of coffee I don't blame him - I'd have commented if the situation had been reversed!

EP, I hope you have a really good day today and get home and find that your man is really a very decent chap after all and is willing to support you provided you tell him exactly how you want him to support you and how much his support means to you.

I was a bit bad last night - blew my stack at Kevin for taking it upon herself to "practise" for her food tech lesson by making a couple of batches of scones without waiting for me to help her, and creating floury carnage in the kitchen. Kevin sulked all night. The scones were like rocks from the mixture being overhandled, but most of them have been eaten anyway. I've promised to help her make better ones on Friday evening for the Children's Society coffee morning at church on Saturday. Bit of a sore conscience here!

Going to be good today. Ha! We'll see what the catering is like at lunchtime. If it's curry, scratch "good" and replace with "very, very happy".

EP -- haven't had a chance to read through everything but maybe if you took your man along on a training run, he'd see EXACTLY how hard you work..? I have to ask though, is he himself a skinny devil..? hhmm. Not pleased with him.

Morning all,
I agree with everything's that's been said here EP - you are improving, you are getting fitter by the day - so what if you slip up now and again - we all do - you know how many slip-ups I have! Even last night, after I'd been to the running club, I came home and scoffed a big bowl of ice-cream! I don't beat myself up over these 'slip ups', cos I know, as WW said, it's not the end of the healthy/keep fit regime, just a minor blip.. Scales are terrible things aren't they! And weight, has nothing at all to do with being fit. A woman at the Running Club last night was about twice the size of me (and about 15 years older!!) - but could I keep up with her..? NO! Keep at it Pixie, don't give up.. can you remember how you were before you ran? I bet you never thought you'd be as fit as you are now and, remember, every time you go out for a run, you are improving and getting fitter and fitter! Keep at it girl.. concentrate on your achievements - not your 'failures'. We're all behind you!
Michelle x

Hi EP - I agree with everything that the others have said, and would like to add something else. before I started running during the summer, I was eating very very little to try to stay the weight that I wanted to be and look the way I wanted to. Iw asn't healthy, I wasn't fit but I was convincing myself that as long as I was in a size 12 skirt, that was what mattered. Absolute rubbish! What matters is that you are healthy, fit and happy, emphasis on the YOU here. I have always had real problems with other peoples opinions of me, which stem from my height (virtually six foot tall since about 12 years old - !! UGH!)but decided that when I turned 32 I had to turn that around, no-one else was going to do it for me.

YOU and your health must be your first priority, becasue if you are sick you cannot be a good mother / wife / friend etc. Its selfish, but in a good way.

By getting as far as you have with your running, you've proved you have the willpower - you just need to harness it in a different way. When you were running the 10K, you had the willpower - try and tap into that when you fancy a mars bar, and think how much easier the next 10K will be if you can stay off them!

Sorry to have gone on a bit, but this works for me - I've tried to take the willpower and stubbornness that I used to use in avoiding food and apply it to my running. So far, reasonable is the verdict, but each day gets better, and I feel better in myself, which is what its all about!

Keep going EP!!

X

Afternoon all,

Been good so far today, just wholesome healthy stuff and some brisk walking.

EP, you've had loads of advice already so I won't waffle on too much. Just one thing - maybe he picks on your weight because he somehow feels responsible for your weight gain? I speak from experience from when my husband became obsessed with me being fat. This stemmed from the years of fertility treatment which left me an emotional disaster and I turned to food in my depression. Consequently I piled on the pounds and hubby secretly blamed himself for our childless state so saw my weight gain as his fault too. The more he went on at me the more weight I put on because I became more anxious. This vicious circle continued until I finally awoke from my depression and got on with my life, took up exercise, changed my eating habits and lost weight. Oh, sorry, I have waffled on! Just wondered if there is an underlying issue here that he hasn't shared with you? The point is, you will lose weight when you choose to, not because somebody bullies you into it. You are being sensible about it now and exercising and trying to eat well - just keep doing more of the same. Good luck and don't be downhearted.

Boo! Bah! No curry! And not much ofanything left by the time I got to the food. My own fault for wasting time on the forums this morning. Still, a raptor can't live on fruit and yogurt, especially when planning to go to the running club at the gym tonight. I'll have to take my chance with the tin of carrot and butterbean soup in my food drawer, and hope that it takes a few hours to filter through.

Today's RealAge tip of the day :-)

"Do you wish you felt better about the way your body looks? If so, it's time to get physical.
Research shows that people who exercise regularly tend to have less anxiety about the appearance of their bodies. In one study, becoming more fit caused study participants to have lower levels of anxiety about their physiques regardless of whether exercising caused a change in their body fat composition.

RealAge Benefit: Exercising regularly can make your RealAge as much as 9 years younger. "

Ha! Get a group of female runners together and just wait and see what happens. They'll be bewailing the size of their hips more quickly than a group of doctors can get round to talking about their pensions - and, believe me, that's fast!

EP great advice there - good luck.

Weigh in day yesterday and lost 2 lbs last week. But then "got on the road", had bfast sandwiches, Italian lunch, hotel dinner and hotel b'fast this am. Plus I drank 15 units yesterday.

And actually I'm not concerned (other than by the drinking). Cause 3 people said I'd lost a lot of weight since they had seen me last! Feels real good. Plus now I'm over 25 miles a week and heading to 30 I know it will get burned off. I can hear smug g*t coming throough the screen at me - and yes I guess I am today.

Keep with the program people.

Can I join you guys in the Fat/Fit club?

My weight gain over the past 3 or 4 years has been nearly 4 stone from a very fit and maybe too thin 10 stone.
Not surprisingly I get depressed about it - I was diagnosed with a borderline underactive thyroid but with meds that is now normal - but Im still fat. Hence the fitness walking - Ive lost 7 lbs in about 5 weeks by being more aware of what I eat rather than diet - I blew up on not very much food and lots of fruit!

I've managed to stop focussng on the scales and more on feeling fit and healthy again - one of the things I've stopped doing is thinking that there are 'bad' days or 'bad' foods cos that only gives me a reason to beat myself up and then eat more!

EP give yourself a break - you're doing ok just by being here with people who understand the difficulties

and all you other guys - you're so supportive and real - I'd always pictured RW readers as sub 3 hour marathoners and was quite put off - but you're all so supportive and inspirational
thanks!

Bune
Welcome on board.

I picture myself as a sub 3 hour marathoner too. Unfortunately I can't do a half in under 2hr10min and have never tried a full one :-)

Great to hear from you Bune, I am a newbie as well and a total slowcoach! This is a fantastic forum and everyone is really friendly.

Went to WW, lost 3lbs! Run/walk last night, pulled something at top of leg, will try again tomorrow or Fri depending how the leg feels!

Hear! Hear! To all of the above adivce/info. I haven't been able to read all of in full - just skimmed through - so I might be repeating someone else here but: I try not to weigh myself too often because I find that running and weight training don't seem to move the scales too much, so I measure myself. Often when the scales read that I weigh the same or, heaven forbid, more than last time, my trusty tape measure will tell a very different story!

Can't-Wait-To-Meet-You-At-Brighton Shambler!