Mental illness and running

I wanted a place where we could get advice and support.

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06/04/2012 at 21:11
Planning is a bit difficult at the moment with the suicidal stuff here it feels like the future is quite unreal. If I can phrase it in a way that sounds a bit odd then the plan, if I don't jump off any bridges, is to try again with college in September.
I first got very ill when I was reading law at uni and eventually got so poorly that I couldn't complete (I dropped out after the second spell in a psychiatric hospital)
I don't want to do law again, I don't want to feel like the years that have passed since then have been completely pointless and I wasn't as excited by the subject as I thought I'd be. I don't feel like I could attempt to study at that level again until I've found a way to study through the anti-psychotic haze. (which is acute enough now that I can feel all my words falling out and jumbling over each other and I just have to hope they make some sense when they land.) The logical step was to go back to college and study different A Levels (biology, chemistry, physics and maths) which is what I started to do last September. The homelessness stuff knocked me too hard and I had to drop out again at Christmas though.
The plan before this rubbish bit was to re-enrol this September and to just keep fighting a little longer so I guess that's the plan I'd pick up again.
I seem really stupid on the anti-psychotics but that's just cos they aren't specific they work by slowing my whole mind down (and metabolism - I assume a chemist somewhere thought it'd be moderately amusing to produce pills that made you sane, fat and stupid!) but if I could live in the lucid bits when off the meds I really wouldn't be stupid - it's just I can't make myself stay lucid without sacrificing brain power by taking the tablets.
I have a review with the psychiatrist on Tuesday - I'm hoping he'll agree to me reducing the dose of the anti-psychotics again, this higher dose is too hard.
06/04/2012 at 21:24
Thanks kk xx *waves at hubby*
06/04/2012 at 21:31
KK, SOLB, can I pass on hugs?
My OH took anti-psychotics and it was sheer Hell. I snapped when he was insisting on showering at 3am because his skin was crawling and he was hot and he had to get clean. It took a few days to persuade our GP that it was the drugs causing a problem, and this wasn't normal behaviour. We found other drugs that worked and the difference is amazing. He isn't zombiefied and works in a very challenging, intellectual job.
SOLB, my therapist helps me to recognise even small achievements and targets. In these beginning, my aim was to get dressed and take my daughter to school one day a week. If I don't hit a Target within the timeframe I set, I talk over why, and she helps me to accept it. Normally, it is stuff out of my control rather than lack of effort on ky part.
06/04/2012 at 21:58
Aww by 'eck that's rubbish - they are hellish drugs. I know they are necessary but they are just so intense. It feels a little like using a sledgehammer to crack a nut.

I love the idea of targets and then recognition. I set myself targets but I'm more likely to berate myself for having such a pathetic target in the first place rather than celebrate the achievement. Do you have to continually remind yourself to do it properly or does it become automatic over time?

Do you feel better able to recognise when stuff is out of your control now? Acceptance seems to be a fundamental part of most treatments.

I think it might be that that I'm struggling with the most at the moment. I'm usually proud of myself for being pragmatic and detached but now I'm struggling to endure the things I can't prevent (both those that have already happened and those that are present now) If I could gain some level of acceptance maybe it wouldn't feel like it's burning in my veins so much.
06/04/2012 at 22:14
It takes a long time, and I do lapse. I find it really easy to blame myself for things that are really out of my control, but I don't like feeling helpless. I suppose I've learnt that I'm setting an example for my children and I think about how they might view what I say/do. Part of growing up is learning how to cope when stuff doesn't work out the way we planned.
06/04/2012 at 22:54
I've written an answer then deleted it about 5 times now. I might stick with a zombie hug ((((by 'eck))) and a sage nod to the wisdom above.
x
07/04/2012 at 23:43
I'm dreading tomorrow, I hate special occasions when all the family get together - I find it really hard to cope especially as all the family tensions are there bubbling away under the surface.
I'm struggling with the meds too - I am too spaced out to even make a cup of tea (without knocking stuff over - the meds seem to affect my spacial awareness) before about 3pm. I want my life back.
I'm still pushing on and it is gradually getting less severe but I can't see how to crowbar running in. I'd normally run in the morning cos there's less people around but I am no where near well enough to run in the mornings and later in the day feels too exposed. What do you guys do?

PS. i am supposed to be on a diet but I have a tummy ache from too many hot cross buns!!
09/04/2012 at 01:04
09/04/2012 at 09:20
'Sup SOLB?
09/04/2012 at 10:31
Just feeling sorry for myself, really struggling with the meds. I don't want to take them, just feel like I have no quality of life.
Really am just being silly (no sympathy deserved) it will pass. Can't wait to see psychiatrist on Tues, I've got to ask for the dose lowering again, praying he says yes though I'll keep taking them if I have to.
how was your Easter? x
09/04/2012 at 10:50

Boo on feeling rubbish! You're allowed to have sympathy when things are crap, the Dalai Lama would agree with me.

So here's some sympathy: *pats you awkwardly on the shoulder*

Hopefully the psychiatrist will listen to you, it's rubbish being a zombie.

My Easter was good thanks, saw the family briefly but have been working mostly. And eating hot cross buns. How was yours?

09/04/2012 at 10:53

The Dalai Lama's tweet for today is actually: "As you develop a more compassionate attitude, you feel less anxiety, while your determination and self-confidence increase."

I'm not sure what his evidence-base is for that statement, but I like the sentiment! 

09/04/2012 at 11:11
I like that you try to subject the Dalai Lama to evidence based analysis!
Easter day was pretty awful but SOLBsis and Mummy SOLB came in the evening to administer tea and sympathy. Even got to do some crawling races with my 9 month old and 4 year old nieces ... obviously I won, children are such cry babies!!
09/04/2012 at 11:14

Hi SOLB

Sorry to hear that the saga of the meds continues,but glad to hear that you are being positive about sticking with it If you must.

For what it is worth my Easter was busy! Mostly with Church stuff, as well as shopping and food prep:

Good Friday - up early (much like a normal work day) and off to Holy Week prayers & breakfast. Then Mrs BD and I went to Castle Donington to do a couple of readings for their walk of witness. [not many people about to actually see or hear our efforts, which was a bit disappointing]

Holy Saturday - The two of us were leading the prayers, so again up and out earlier to be ready for it. I had done a lot of preparation for this, making a model tomb, and "stones" to be used to think about and actually write prayers on. Mrs BD had another thing to go and do (Healing On The Streets) and I helped proof read the songs on the projector for Sunday. Later on we went back to help set out a room for a communion breakfast.

Easter Day - not quite so early a start, Communion breakfast, clearing up afterwards, singing before the morning service as people came in, After the service, home for lunch with a couple of family visitors, wash up, rest and surprise surprise, back for the evening service.

Today we rest!

09/04/2012 at 11:27
WOW you really do deserve a rest. I was tempted to go to church on Sunday but then I remembered it was Easter Sunday so it would be very busy, and very overwhelming for a lost zombie.
You sound like you are really involved in the church, how did it all come about? Did you have a sudden epiphany or was it more gradual? (if that's a bit too personal please ignore it.)
I go to church sporadically, I don't know what I'm looking for really. I always end up feeling really hurt and crying and I never talk to anyone. Something still draws me back every few months. I wonder if I'm hoping the atmosphere will be full of love ... if I am I should change churches cos the one that was nearest me is full of anger at petty politics and cliques. I've moved house now so perhaps the new one would be a warmer place - the cynic in me doubts it especially as I wouldn't let them in!
09/04/2012 at 20:27

SOLB

It was gradual and is still ongoing.

I went to Sunday School (Methodist) as a boy, but it did not take.
Most of my life I have considered myself as a "don't know" an agnostic, and there is still much of the agnostic about me now.

However following the premature birth of our second son (30 years ago), Mrs BD started going to the Baptist Church.
At her suggestion I started singing in what was then the music group, and I found that singing had a strong spiritual influence on me - I would say then that 'I am a believer when I sing'.

A few years ago I decided to try something, and I made a choice to (try to) believe in God in general, and in the Christian take on God in particular. Almost as soon as I had made this decision I found that I was now writing spiritual poems and songs.

But I was still resisting actual commitment, I was not prepared to call myself a Christian.

Then one morning I imagined myself looking down over the edge of a cliff. This is something that I sometimes do which really scares me as I imagine myself falling to my death.
This time however I imagined that I was looking down on the dark familiar streets of a town, but if I looked up I was looking along a path by a golden river leading to a city of light and peace.
The thought was if I took a step would I find myself falling to my death in the dark streets or starting on the long path towards the city of God?
I did not feel ready to take that step.

Then I was invited to a meeting where I knew that I would be asked if I was prepared to be baptised. I had my answer ready which was Not Yet.
But before that meeting I went to the Baptist Assembly. Near the end there was a  call to put up your hand if you wanted to commit to Jesus.To my surprise my hand went up. (I thought that it was better trained than that!)

So when I went to the meeting I told them what had happened, how I had expected to be saying that I was not ready, how I still did not feel ready, but I was now prepared to take the next step on my journey.

So I was Baptised on July 4th 2010.
And recently I was elected as one of the deacons

Churchs vary a lot, but our Church has been called The Church where the strange people go.

10/04/2012 at 02:18
SOLB, when meds giving me grief in morning and I'm paranoid about people seeing me plod slowly I go plodding at night. I like the dark, less people, traffic and noise, less for the brain to process, not that there is much brain left.
12/04/2012 at 19:34
Yep, today hurts too
12/04/2012 at 19:38
Hey SOLB, can I offer a large mug of tea (all prepared in my very safe kitchen) and a packet of super healthy biscuits? They are actually chocolate digestives but the packet got a bit bashed so all the calories fell out. It's true. Broken biscuits contain no calories! A bi-polar friend of mine told me.
12/04/2012 at 19:57
Thank you 'by eck that made me laugh ... thank heavens for your biscuit revelation I'm bored of being on a diet, especially as the increased Quetiapine is causing rapid weight gain regardless of how angelic I'm being.
I've made myself worse today with a constant stream of criticism and abuse ... not feeling all that brave and strong.
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