Mental illness and running

I wanted a place where we could get advice and support.

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kittenkat    pirate
06/04/2012 at 19:23

This reminds me of the old blue room thread and i wonder how they all are.

SOLB, there are all sorts of websites out there that I think are dangerous to people in vulnerable states of mind. Proana sites and worse.

06/04/2012 at 20:30
Hey kk,

Long time no see, how are things with you?

I was directed to the blue room, I posted a couple of times but the thread stayed fast asleep - I choose to believe that means all the posters are better, nearly better or surrounded by other support.

The web is a phenomenal resource but its so scary too. In an ideal world it wouldn't matter but the truth is its the most vulnerable people that are most likely to land on the dangerous sites. I don't think there's anything that can be done to eliminate the risk it just feels wrong.

I suppose there's always a flip side too - I have recently ended up feeling cross when someone acted in a way that made me feel humiliated even though the action was wholly motivated by concern. I suppose there aren't any right answers
kittenkat    pirate
06/04/2012 at 20:43

SOLB, no in the absence of the Blue room, this is good. I love your honesty, and I see that other people have taken you under their wing on other threads. That's good.

Keep fighting the good fight.

06/04/2012 at 20:53
I've been really lucky - I've had more love and support from forumites than most people would believe. I've had visits when I'm too poorly to go out and enormous hugs. The Mundanies and Beebs Kitchen lot were incredible when I was moving house. Sending things to help furnish it and even coming together for a painting party. Even those that live too far away have been invaluable - despite being so verbose most of the time I genuinely can't even begin to explain how much the patient love, support and silliness has meant over the last 12 months. My world is so different now I trust people (pretty impressive for a running forum!)

My Mum just told me it was upsetting seeing me this morning cos I'm so zombified ...
kittenkat    pirate
06/04/2012 at 20:57
SOLB, I think it's lovely that you've got that level of support, there are some great people on here.
kittenkat    pirate
06/04/2012 at 20:59
How do you see your life panning out in the next year? Can you plan, do you plan?
06/04/2012 at 21:11
Planning is a bit difficult at the moment with the suicidal stuff here it feels like the future is quite unreal. If I can phrase it in a way that sounds a bit odd then the plan, if I don't jump off any bridges, is to try again with college in September.
I first got very ill when I was reading law at uni and eventually got so poorly that I couldn't complete (I dropped out after the second spell in a psychiatric hospital)
I don't want to do law again, I don't want to feel like the years that have passed since then have been completely pointless and I wasn't as excited by the subject as I thought I'd be. I don't feel like I could attempt to study at that level again until I've found a way to study through the anti-psychotic haze. (which is acute enough now that I can feel all my words falling out and jumbling over each other and I just have to hope they make some sense when they land.) The logical step was to go back to college and study different A Levels (biology, chemistry, physics and maths) which is what I started to do last September. The homelessness stuff knocked me too hard and I had to drop out again at Christmas though.
The plan before this rubbish bit was to re-enrol this September and to just keep fighting a little longer so I guess that's the plan I'd pick up again.
I seem really stupid on the anti-psychotics but that's just cos they aren't specific they work by slowing my whole mind down (and metabolism - I assume a chemist somewhere thought it'd be moderately amusing to produce pills that made you sane, fat and stupid!) but if I could live in the lucid bits when off the meds I really wouldn't be stupid - it's just I can't make myself stay lucid without sacrificing brain power by taking the tablets.
I have a review with the psychiatrist on Tuesday - I'm hoping he'll agree to me reducing the dose of the anti-psychotics again, this higher dose is too hard.
kittenkat    pirate
06/04/2012 at 21:17

I just want to hug you, I have to go now as my husband needs to do work on the computer.


06/04/2012 at 21:24
Thanks kk xx *waves at hubby*
06/04/2012 at 21:31
KK, SOLB, can I pass on hugs?
My OH took anti-psychotics and it was sheer Hell. I snapped when he was insisting on showering at 3am because his skin was crawling and he was hot and he had to get clean. It took a few days to persuade our GP that it was the drugs causing a problem, and this wasn't normal behaviour. We found other drugs that worked and the difference is amazing. He isn't zombiefied and works in a very challenging, intellectual job.
SOLB, my therapist helps me to recognise even small achievements and targets. In these beginning, my aim was to get dressed and take my daughter to school one day a week. If I don't hit a Target within the timeframe I set, I talk over why, and she helps me to accept it. Normally, it is stuff out of my control rather than lack of effort on ky part.
06/04/2012 at 21:58
Aww by 'eck that's rubbish - they are hellish drugs. I know they are necessary but they are just so intense. It feels a little like using a sledgehammer to crack a nut.

I love the idea of targets and then recognition. I set myself targets but I'm more likely to berate myself for having such a pathetic target in the first place rather than celebrate the achievement. Do you have to continually remind yourself to do it properly or does it become automatic over time?

Do you feel better able to recognise when stuff is out of your control now? Acceptance seems to be a fundamental part of most treatments.

I think it might be that that I'm struggling with the most at the moment. I'm usually proud of myself for being pragmatic and detached but now I'm struggling to endure the things I can't prevent (both those that have already happened and those that are present now) If I could gain some level of acceptance maybe it wouldn't feel like it's burning in my veins so much.
06/04/2012 at 22:14
It takes a long time, and I do lapse. I find it really easy to blame myself for things that are really out of my control, but I don't like feeling helpless. I suppose I've learnt that I'm setting an example for my children and I think about how they might view what I say/do. Part of growing up is learning how to cope when stuff doesn't work out the way we planned.
06/04/2012 at 22:54
I've written an answer then deleted it about 5 times now. I might stick with a zombie hug ((((by 'eck))) and a sage nod to the wisdom above.
07/04/2012 at 23:43
I'm dreading tomorrow, I hate special occasions when all the family get together - I find it really hard to cope especially as all the family tensions are there bubbling away under the surface.
I'm struggling with the meds too - I am too spaced out to even make a cup of tea (without knocking stuff over - the meds seem to affect my spacial awareness) before about 3pm. I want my life back.
I'm still pushing on and it is gradually getting less severe but I can't see how to crowbar running in. I'd normally run in the morning cos there's less people around but I am no where near well enough to run in the mornings and later in the day feels too exposed. What do you guys do?

PS. i am supposed to be on a diet but I have a tummy ache from too many hot cross buns!!
09/04/2012 at 01:04
09/04/2012 at 09:20
'Sup SOLB?
09/04/2012 at 10:31
Just feeling sorry for myself, really struggling with the meds. I don't want to take them, just feel like I have no quality of life.
Really am just being silly (no sympathy deserved) it will pass. Can't wait to see psychiatrist on Tues, I've got to ask for the dose lowering again, praying he says yes though I'll keep taking them if I have to.
how was your Easter? x
09/04/2012 at 10:50

Boo on feeling rubbish! You're allowed to have sympathy when things are crap, the Dalai Lama would agree with me.

So here's some sympathy: *pats you awkwardly on the shoulder*

Hopefully the psychiatrist will listen to you, it's rubbish being a zombie.

My Easter was good thanks, saw the family briefly but have been working mostly. And eating hot cross buns. How was yours?

09/04/2012 at 10:53

The Dalai Lama's tweet for today is actually: "As you develop a more compassionate attitude, you feel less anxiety, while your determination and self-confidence increase."

I'm not sure what his evidence-base is for that statement, but I like the sentiment! 

09/04/2012 at 11:11
I like that you try to subject the Dalai Lama to evidence based analysis!
Easter day was pretty awful but SOLBsis and Mummy SOLB came in the evening to administer tea and sympathy. Even got to do some crawling races with my 9 month old and 4 year old nieces ... obviously I won, children are such cry babies!!
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