Mental illness and running

Hi SOLB

Sorry to hear that the saga of the meds continues,but glad to hear that you are being positive about sticking with it If you must.

For what it is worth my Easter was busy! Mostly with Church stuff, as well as shopping and food prep:

Good Friday - up early (much like a normal work day) and off to Holy Week prayers & breakfast. Then Mrs BD and I went to Castle Donington to do a couple of readings for their walk of witness. [not many people about to actually see or hear our efforts, which was a bit disappointing]

Holy Saturday - The two of us were leading the prayers, so again up and out earlier to be ready for it. I had done a lot of preparation for this, making a model tomb, and "stones" to be used to think about and actually write prayers on. Mrs BD had another thing to go and do (Healing On The Streets) and I helped proof read the songs on the projector for Sunday. Later on we went back to help set out a room for a communion breakfast.

Easter Day - not quite so early a start, Communion breakfast, clearing up afterwards, singing before the morning service as people came in, After the service, home for lunch with a couple of family visitors, wash up, rest and surprise surprise, back for the evening service.

Today we rest!

WOW you really do deserve a rest. I was tempted to go to church on Sunday but then I remembered it was Easter Sunday so it would be very busy, and very overwhelming for a lost zombie.
You sound like you are really involved in the church, how did it all come about? Did you have a sudden epiphany or was it more gradual? (if that's a bit too personal please ignore it.)
I go to church sporadically, I don't know what I'm looking for really. I always end up feeling really hurt and crying and I never talk to anyone. Something still draws me back every few months. I wonder if I'm hoping the atmosphere will be full of love ... if I am I should change churches cos the one that was nearest me is full of anger at petty politics and cliques. I've moved house now so perhaps the new one would be a warmer place - the cynic in me doubts it especially as I wouldn't let them in!

SOLB

It was gradual and is still ongoing.

I went to Sunday School (Methodist) as a boy, but it did not take.
Most of my life I have considered myself as a "don't know" an agnostic, and there is still much of the agnostic about me now.

However following the premature birth of our second son (30 years ago), Mrs BD started going to the Baptist Church.
At her suggestion I started singing in what was then the music group, and I found that singing had a strong spiritual influence on me - I would say then that 'I am a believer when I sing'.

A few years ago I decided to try something, and I made a choice to (try to) believe in God in general, and in the Christian take on God in particular. Almost as soon as I had made this decision I found that I was now writing spiritual poems and songs.

But I was still resisting actual commitment, I was not prepared to call myself a Christian.

Then one morning I imagined myself looking down over the edge of a cliff. This is something that I sometimes do which really scares me as I imagine myself falling to my death.
This time however I imagined that I was looking down on the dark familiar streets of a town, but if I looked up I was looking along a path by a golden river leading to a city of light and peace.
The thought was if I took a step would I find myself falling to my death in the dark streets or starting on the long path towards the city of God?
I did not feel ready to take that step.

Then I was invited to a meeting where I knew that I would be asked if I was prepared to be baptised. I had my answer ready which was Not Yet.
But before that meeting I went to the Baptist Assembly. Near the end there was a  call to put up your hand if you wanted to commit to Jesus.To my surprise my hand went up. (I thought that it was better trained than that!)

So when I went to the meeting I told them what had happened, how I had expected to be saying that I was not ready, how I still did not feel ready, but I was now prepared to take the next step on my journey.

So I was Baptised on July 4th 2010.
And recently I was elected as one of the deacons

Churchs vary a lot, but our Church has been called The Church where the strange people go.

SOLB, when meds giving me grief in morning and I'm paranoid about people seeing me plod slowly I go plodding at night. I like the dark, less people, traffic and noise, less for the brain to process, not that there is much brain left.

Yep, today hurts too

Hey SOLB, can I offer a large mug of tea (all prepared in my very safe kitchen) and a packet of super healthy biscuits? They are actually chocolate digestives but the packet got a bit bashed so all the calories fell out. It's true. Broken biscuits contain no calories! A bi-polar friend of mine told me.

Thank you 'by eck that made me laugh ... thank heavens for your biscuit revelation I'm bored of being on a diet, especially as the increased Quetiapine is causing rapid weight gain regardless of how angelic I'm being.
I've made myself worse today with a constant stream of criticism and abuse ... not feeling all that brave and strong.

My hubby took that. It certainly knocked him out and sent him a bit dolally but I've seen other people do brilliantly on it. I really hope it makes things better for you.
Weight gain is horriblewhen you feel so rough about yourself. I would say that my mum ballooned to 17st when she was at her worse, and is now 10 st. She had to wait until the medication wad working and she could do something about her weight in a controlled, positive way rather than 'punishing herself'. I have a feeling you'll know what I mean, but if you don't I apologise.
I think that anyone who can articulate how they are feeling and is willing to share that is incredibly brave and strong!

Big D I'm not ignoring your powerful post am just not quite alert enough to do it justice.

I've been on Quetiapine for years, I hate it but I've learned to live through the anti psychotic haze. The emergency psychiatrist upped the dose and I can't cope with the high level. I think he was wrong. He upped the dose to help with sleep (though I told him that wasn't a problem) and to make up for the Sertraline which made me paranoid and anxious. We've added Duloxetine for the anti depressant and sleep was fine so I think I should be able to return to my usual dose. I wasn't having a psychotic episode I went to jump off a bridge cos therapy has caused extreme flashbacks and turned my present into a traumatic nightmarish whirl. I hate being scared all the time but I don't want to be replaced by a zombie either.
I do understand what you mean about the punishment thing, weirdly its running that's pulling me off the wrong track even though I'm not doing it. I decide not eating is easier then realise if I don't I'll get stuck in it for a week or two (cos I always do) which would jeopardise my return to running.
Today has been the worst for a while but mostly cos I've gained more awareness - my thoughts are frantic, sad and loud rather than absent. Maybe that's progress of sorts.

Thanks so much for the support x

SOLB

That's OK! Take your time.

As you can see - Sometimes I post more than a couple of words.

Aww SOLB, I'm sorry to hear today's not a good day. I've just made tea, but don't have any biscuits. I might consider giving you the last piece of my mum's shortbread, it is amazing.

I think you are brave and strong, criticism or feelings won't change that. You might not feel it, but if there's one thing I know about you it's that you've got guts girl! Sometimes it's about surviving right here and now rather progress. You can't make progress if you're dead!

Take care,

Ben

No I don't suppose so but I don't think it hurts for as long either, one splatt is quicker than years of dragging yourself through therapy. Don't worry no bridges tonight, I'm too lazy.

I'm considering going for a jog *shudders at the profanity of the j word* am not sure if I can find the motivation or the bravery to a) see how badly my running gear fits (or not as the case may be) b) go outside where people are and c) get seen jogging and heaving on the Ventolin ...... tea first then decide or catapult out of bed and just do it

Try a walk/jog plan. See how it goes. Your running shoes should still fit! If it goes well, you'll be justifiably proud. If you don't go as far as you planned - don't worry. You have got yourself organised and outside! well done

excellent point well made with regards to running shoes
I've got my answer, am still dizzy so gonna have to have breakfast first then head out

The jogger has returned

By 'eck your wise counsel is now my Facebook status.

My lungs hurt, my ears feel funny, my calves are complaining and I feel happier

Awesome news SOLB, good job!

I'm glad you're feeling happier .

I'm hoping to get to the gym later for a treadmill run. Not my favourite thing, but it's the only option I have today.
You fb too SOLB?

Hello SOLB,
I hope you're not joggerphobist some of use are aspiring to be able to say I went for a 5k jog this morning
I've managed to hurt my hip while asleep. most peculiar. I finished the
Olympic Park run. Walked twice joint probs so me not happy bunny. The route was good, one lap and not too hot, wouldn't like to do it in hot weather as no shade at all, perhaps they will plant loads of trees once Games are over.
'Twas good thing I wasn't eating when I read by 'ecks post about broken biscuits made me laugh so much couldn't get me breath. Tomorrow I plan to plod may even reach jogging pace, I will think of you real runners.
Hugs to you all

nope not really curlyplodder, just appealing to the masses. I'm helping my Mum get into running and am quite literally beaming with pride every time she adds another 60 secs running onto her run-walk programme, I know how hard it's been for her to get out there and get started and I think I appreciate the achievements that she hasn't even spotted yet.

Ouch to the hip, either you've been rather athletic in your sleep or you've been lying strangely lets hope for the latter and that it sorts itself out soon. Must have been frustrating when the joint probs forced a walk but still you finished the Olympic park run, so that's 3.5k more than me and 5k more than most

Can I come for a virtual plod with you tomorrow? I'm planning on repeating exactly the same one mile jog, I don't care about the distance or the speed just relieved to catch some endorphins ... I stayed cheerful for 5 hours today on the back of the run, the gloom kinda caught me up but it's not the same if you have a plan to chase it away again; even hope for temporary relief is still hope

How did the treadie run go by 'eck? I have to confess to being useless on a treadmill. I can't handle being able to just get off and stop .. it makes me pathetic and I decide I just can't go on, a thought that doesn't occur when I'm miles from home!

Yes I'm on FB too, though to be honest I only post utter drivel. It demonstrates a major sugar addiction, an aptitude for stating the obvious in a convoluted way and shows the whole world how very supportive & lovely my friends are. I'll gladly add you if you like, but I can guarantee you'll be bored within about 5 minutes on my profile

Ben-o thank you so much for your support, meant a lot that you cared

I really must get some sleep but I'm too tired if that makes any sense. gonna just try to read for a bit. I am naughtily not taking the increased anti-psychotics am taking my old dose and will talk to my therapist about it on Monday. I just can't cope with the zombie pills and I think hope has caught me unawares so no need to be sedated to prevent bridge hopping.

Yawn