Mental illness and running

I wanted a place where we could get advice and support.

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01/01/2013 at 20:24
*New Post*

The Dark and The Light
New Year - Same Old Bricki
Day 21

Sorry I'm on iPad so can't hyperlink it
01/01/2013 at 20:36

Good blog Bricki.  Thanks for sharing.


01/01/2013 at 20:38

Thanks Bricki - looks like it is the iPad technology that's not hyperlinking then so it's not what I thought it was.

SOLB - glad you're OK now but a shame you've been upset about last night.  It sounded to me like you coped really well at an occasion that was always going to be difficult for you to fit in.  Even as someone who does enjoy a drink or two myself, I can see no pleasure whatsoever in drinking games.  I'm sure there will be better occasions at which you can 'shine' as only you can.

02/01/2013 at 00:32

Mmm kinda not ok, I might go a bit quiet tomorrow please don't be concerned if I do will just be figuring some things out

By eck, sorry love, yes it is Giants head I'm hoping to train for, be fab to do it together 

02/01/2013 at 07:37

Morning all.

SOLB - big day long lasting hug ((((((SOLB))))))

02/01/2013 at 14:41
Big hugs Solb. Hope you and the other lurkers are ok.
Moo and I are feeling a little snuffly and yuck. It's been a very long day and neither of us feel great. My right ankle is a bit tender. It could be from my run yesterday or absolutely nothing to do with it. I think I will be too tired to rhn when Mr by eck gets home.
02/01/2013 at 19:20
@@@ New Post @@@

The Dark and The Light
Day 22
Should We Stay or Should We Go?
02/01/2013 at 20:31

Bricki - I totally relate to what you're saying about work being quiet.  I find things much quieter than they used to be.  It should really be much better as I'm not having to work long hours anymore but the days just feel so much long and my concentration is so much worse.  I really do need something to keep the negative thoughts at bay.

Difficult choice re the New York break you've got there.

02/01/2013 at 20:47

Hows Caz today?  Are you fully recovered?

02/01/2013 at 22:32

Hey all, thanks for the hugs. I've emailed my CPN to ask for some advice. 

I have been really struggling with low self esteem and self loathing. I'm so worried about being a nuisance or annoying people that I feel like everyone is just tolerating me and wishes I'd go away. I was so happy to be me again but now I'm stuck, I've always had no confidence and felt no one could possibly like me or want to spend time with me but I sealed it off so when I needed to be with people I couldn't access it and could interact properly. Now I can't shut it off cos I'm staying 'me' I can't move for the anxiety, I can't relax - every single conversation with everyone for weeks has been plagued by this awful self doubt - I don't know how to stop it eroding my confidence; I'm almost too scared to talk to anyone for wasting their time. 
I'm in danger of losing the relationships I do have, I'm always looking for the clues that they don't want me in their lives and it's certainly getting in the way of trying to make new friendships nearer to me. 
I know I have to  learn how to trust people but the closer people are getting to me the more unbearable the fear 

(Bricki I can't access your link from my phone I'm not ignoring you)   
02/01/2013 at 22:47

SOLB - I hope you're able to get some useful advice from your CPN.  It's obviously a major issue for you.  I can certainly relate to self confidence being at rock bottom and I think that can always affect our perception of things in that, say, just talking to someone when they're in a bad mood about something or someone totally different - you tend to think 'they don't want to have anything to do with me',  From the short time I've known you on here it's quite clear that there are plenty of people who really like you and care about you - myself included.  It's got to be a long road to build confidence after all you've been through though.  Thinking of the New Years Eve party - maybe it shows that you've got to plan your progress in small steps and maybe stepping a bit too far outside your comfort zone in one go can do more harm than good.  As ever, you know you've got friends on here who are with you all the way on your journey.  And seeing as that day long hug is about to expire, you must be due a top up - ((((SOLB)))).

02/01/2013 at 22:58

Thanks, the top up hug made me smile

I think it's been bubbling for a good few weeks before the party but I also think you're right it probably acted as the catalyst that pushed me beyond the level I can supress it and keep going. 

I've never emailed Sally (CPN) to ask for help before; I don't really trust her and I'm not seeing her until the 15th so I have a way to go on my own first I think. I do feel much calmer now; felt like I was crying my own soul out earlier so relieved I've somehow managed to put a sticking plaster back over it. Hoping if I just keep trying to be rational about those thoughts and remembering that I'm likely to be being oversensitive at the moment it will pass wuth time 

02/01/2013 at 23:09

Good to hear you've calmed down.  The appointment is quite a long while to hold out - hopefully you can get through that time OK and find some benefit from it.  It's the thing that I'm wary of if I was to go for therapy in that it would have to a person that I felt I could trust and they would understand for me to be able to fully open up.  I've been a bit better the last couple of days but had a bad spell before that and really felt that I needed more help.   My raging temper was threatening to get the better of me again and I was frightened of what I might end up doing.  My next GP appointment is not for another month so I'll see how that time goes for me.

02/01/2013 at 23:28



Wheres that blanket of hugs when you need it?  Keep the faith everyone. I've not met any of you, cept Caz who is lovely, and  I just know that you are all equally lovely and worthwhile. 

Bed time for me now. Home tomorrow and I've got a swim booked for 8am in the morning before breakfast. Not done any running though. Oops. 


02/01/2013 at 23:33

Thanks SD.  Hope you've had a great time - plenty of time in the weeks ahead for running I'm sure.  Got to get the old Virtual Running Club up and running again.  I'm out with the real running club tomorrow night.  Got a friend who's turning up as well which makes it easier and stops me from doing a runner.

02/01/2013 at 23:44

I think trust comes with time LR; I don't know why I haven't clicked with Sally but it's not usually as tough as you'd imagine. If you are ever in trouble like that there are some alternatives. 
I've never found the Samaritans helpful but both Mind and Sane are brilliant because they offer practical help and support as well as just listening in the crisis. Mind do longer term stuff too, they even offer counselling and you don't need a referral - it isn't free but is means tested the minimum is £10 a session I think. I don't mean it in a take your problem somewhere else kind of way just that I don't ever want you to that feel scared and like you're all on your own with it.
I hear there's a nice thread on RW where there are people who genuinely care who'll always be happy to talk stuff through with you too!
Hi Soupy, oh you are right we do need to get the hug blanket out 
Good luck with the swim, we'll have breakfast waiting for you when you get back - I was supposed to do my first run today but didn't   I think letting myself off the guilt for not going was a good call and I'm off tomorrow instead  

02/01/2013 at 23:51

Thanks SOLB - I'll check those out.

Looks like VRC is up and running again. 

Right - really must get out of my bad habit of going to bed too late so I'm off now.

Nite nite. xxx

03/01/2013 at 01:31

I think you're right the VRC has woken up from it's festive slumber, I will report back tomorrow  

I haven't even tried to make sure I haven't caved in to the no sleep before midnight rule  - I can feel it's grip getting tighter but I don't feel like I have the energy to fight back. It was surprisingly easy to break last time so I'm hoping that I'm just saving my energy for the more pressing battles and that I'll be able to break it just as easily in a little while ... though of course I  might be practicing that wonderful self delusion that comes when I'm letting everything slide.. (Hope not, running tomorrow will help and having emailed Sally I've at least flagged it - I'm under on min calories again today too, only a couple of hundred so it's not massively concerning but I'm worried that's a pattern forming) weirdly I know it's not a proper relapse, I am struggling but I'm still staying me and not an alter in sight - hard to carry all the burdens myself but I will get there - I feel really comforted by the fact I'm still me, not that the other stuff doesn't matter but it does belong to a totally different league to the DID stuff and it is much much less frightening and worrying   

I'm wondering if I can get out for a mile or two tomorrow - secretly hoping for two if I keep my pace right down but it's been a long time and my asthma is still making my lungs tight all the time (no shortness of breath today though) so I'm prepared for the fact that I might be disappointed. 

I've been massively reassured by Sossidge that she doesn't really hate me and I've been reading too much into imaginary signals with her. I think that being honest about feeling like every one dislikes me and finds me irritating is the best way to handle it all in the short term. If I interpret something as meaning someone doesn't like me I am going to try to be brave and just ask them if that's what they are thinking. They probably wouldn't just come out and say 'yes it was' but I could probably tell the difference between a real denial and a false one and at least it gives me a chance of someone being able to refute the 'certainty' that I've pieced together from tiny insignificant things. I didn't want to ask people cos I don't want to be whingey and annoying and, I still feel that, but I think if I use it sparingly and I'm as honest as I can be about why I'm being a bit needy at least I won't be driving myself to such abject misery. I don't want to compromise my recovery over this. I need to learn to trust people without being afraid of that trust.

03/01/2013 at 08:00

That makes a lot of sense SOLB.  I think the important thing is in explaining to people why you're having to do this.  People should understand what you've been through and how this is a part of rebuilding your life.  You've only recent started being 'you' again and that's a you with very little self confidence.  I think you've got a real basis to start building on that there.  As I said it's a long road and there may be setbacks along the way, but I'm sure you've found a way to start moving forward on this issue.

Hope the run goes OK.  I've really got to myself out into that big bad world now.

03/01/2013 at 08:04
Shakes off the hugs blanket to get rid of any norty or harmful thoughts that could be lurking.
Wraps the blanket in and around herself to cover it with love, hugs, and belief in her friends.
Carefully unwraps it and lays it on the floor to avoid spilling any precious hugs.
Finds the breakfast trolley and checks there is plenty of hot tea in the tea pot, coffee in the coffee jug, and a pot of rich hot chocolate.

Wanders out again so people can take that they need without feeling exposed.
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