Mental illness and running

Aww thanks Elli, that's so sweet. I always feel a bit helpless when other people are hurting cos I know how painful it is but I still don't know how to make it better.

How are you today?

Any news from the powers that be?

I always think I'm faking it too! At best I fear I'm exaggerating and at worst I wonder if I've made it all up ... if both of us (as complete strangers) felt the same thing then surely we're not the only ones to have that fear.

I've yet to be given a path but I think I may have found my own wobbly one to follow, finally. I've had years of chasing my own tail in one rut or another and now I finally think I'm fighting in the right direction. There are an unbelievable number of obstacles and there are whole sections of the path that I've no idea how to get through but I'm hoping that I'll be able to see a workaround once I'm there.

The world being black and white sounds very familiar. I know lots of people think that. Beating yourself up because you're not allowed to feel so bad without an excuse is counter-productive and really common (in my experience.)

Take care of yourself honey x

How are you all now? Elli are you feeling better? SOLB are you running again? Beno how is the belly button

Hi Bobby

I'm OK thanks. The running routine is going pretty well but I'm not quite there yet.

I've just started therapy so I am struggling with nightmares & the voices coming back a little - they should settle but it's a bit frightening.

I've just entered the Dorset village marathon so that should provide a little motivation!!

How are you? Are you OK? (and you Ellie, did you get any news darling?)

x

Bobby,

My belly button is out; loud and proud!

(Enjoying the festive name change SOLB)

Ha I'd love to take credit but someone else thought of it for me when I confessed to my lack of imagination!

Well with a name like "Ben-o" I can't claim to have much imagination! It reminds me of the time in the early 90s when i thought adding "o" to everyone's name made me most radical/bodacious dude in the school playground!

Ha ha coolio!

I'm not doing so well, fancied a big fat rant, feel free to completely ignore it. I'm not asking any one to fix it just tired of pretending it's OK.

I'm tired of losing the battle with the housing people. It is almost inevitable I'll end up having to spend some time in a homeless hostel ... I feel really frustrated because it doesn't have to go that way. There are systems in place that would prevent it from happening but no one cares enough to initiate them with any sense of urgency. I haven't even made it to stage one and time is ticking away.

I'm trying to pretend I'm OK about it but truthfully I'm petrified about what it'll do to my mental health. I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread as it is. I wish things weren't always so hard. I try really hard to stay positive but it's just getting so hard. I'm scared of crying in case I never stop.

Come on life, please get a little better

Aww SOLB, I'm really sorry to hear things aren't so good for you.

That's really shit about the housing. I'm not surprised you're petrified about what the consequences of this unecessary and crappy change, Especially at this time of year. I wish I could help in some way, but I don't know anything helpful.

I'm concerned that you think no one cares, I hope that's not the case. I know it can certainly feel like no one cares when times are hard. If you don't think you're getting what you need there's always PALS may be? I don't know if that'll help with housing though.

I'm not a hugger (too many restraint orders), but here's a big one!

Ben

Thanks Ben-o, I'm being a bit of a baby really. Things will get easier - this is the hardest bit.

I tried contacting PALs about catchment areas for Mental health services as I don't want to have to start all over again with a new trust (as I've only been with this one a couple of months) when I have to move. They didn't answer my email or my letter and I can't talk on the phone so I'd given up on them.

I've tried housing charities, Mind, Sane, Shelter, the CAB and even my MP ... they either dont answer or agree it's shite and hope I can find someone else to provide a solution.

I've been really lucky in that the friends I've made here have been really supportive and helped to stop me feeling alone. One has even dragged me out running but I think it's starting to unravel. The voices are back and I'm struggling to eat again (bloody OCD.) Running really helps with the voices but if I'm not eating I can't run.

It's all getting a bit serious here - it's a little like watching yourself drown.

I'm trying really hard to pretend to be positive elsewhere - I don't want to ruin my friendships by continually dumping negativity on them.

I'm a bit odd about people too, I'm swinging violently between feeling desperately lonely and not wanting to talk to anyone.

Sorry that's very 'me me me' how are you doing?

SOLB

You are still in my prayers.

Thank you

SOLB, you're too hard on yourself! When things are shit, it's ok to let them affect you.

It looks like you're getting more and more and anxious and stressed, and I'm going to guess and say that's probably related to hearing the voices more frequently and OCD symptoms. And that's ok. It seems that you often worry about losing control and becoming iller (is that a word? it looks wrong). Kind of like worrying about worry.

It must be really tough for you trying to be positive and not "dump" on friends, but won't true friends stand by you whatever? (I'm a little nauseated by this cliche, feel free to ignore it)

I get feeling lonely but at other times wanted to be alone. Sometimes I can't stand to be around people (particularly in the mornings before I've had a cup of tea) and other times I want to be with people. We all fluctuate.

I don't think there's anything wrong about it being about you. But as you've asked, I shouldn't drink then post on internet forums as it makes me talk rubbish.

*hands Ben-o a cup of tea* I didn't detect any rubbish in your post but I smiled at the inherent danger in drinking then posting.

Thanks, I think I'm a bit scared that this one is too shit - I'm quite brave usually but the closer I get to the homeless thing and the worse the symptoms get the wussier I am.

You are right I'm scared that if I accept how badly this is affecting me I'll lose control all together and become iller (it's in the Scrabble dictionary it must be a word.) Illogical probably but I don't feel very in control as it is. I suppose truthfully I'm probably going to deteriorate whether or not I cry but I feel like I have to fight off the tears.

I feel like an ostrich with its head in the sand when the tides coming in.

True friends will stand by me, but they're still allowed to get bored of hearing the same thing over and over again. If they really care it's kind of worse cos they must feel helpless. I imagine it's a bit like watching a car crash in slow motion.

Any way I'm even boring myself now! Thanks for replying. Have a good night

Hey how's everyone?
Sorry been "hiding" a while. I had 3 weeks off work to try to pull myself together and I'm back now and I've realised I probably wasnt ready to come back.
Within those 3 weeks I was hoping to get some tools to tackle everyday situations but I got none.
I was too busy and I think when I had a chance make use of the time, all I did was sleep and watch TV. Because those were the things I really just needed doing. I'm always on the go, stressing about getting the next thing done and the next.

Good news are that I'm on a waiting list for some tailor made councelling, hopefully get there in the new year.
And yes of course antidepressants. Not too keen on being on them again but if they help me through the worst then fine.

Just finding it extremely hard to face people and keep up with small talk and explain where I've been for 3 weeks, let alone pick up any other tasks than the usual daily ones.

Hi Elli

So nice to hear from you

I'm a bit quiet on the forums this week. Everything feels a bit too intense, sort of like looking at the light when you have a migraine. Luckily I have notifications on this thread so I got poked back this way to find some good news

It's horrible if you go back too soon but very easy to do. All the 'there's nothing wrong with me's' 'I'm just skiving' and 'I could be at work''s ambush me the second I go off sick. It's harder going back too soon but it's possible that you'll be able to get over the last little bit while working. Hang in there darling - and if you absolutely have to walk away again until you are properly better the world won't end.

I wonder if these will be of any use for finding skills

http://www.mind.org.uk/shop/booklets/mental_health_awareness

You don't have to buy them, just click 'Read Content' I think Mind are really wonderful. Some of the things are a little basic but I've discovered it's often the things that have sounded like they were too simple that combined have made things more tolerable.

You probably did the right thing by catching up on sleep and giving yourself a bit of a break. It's so easy to be harder on yourself than you'd be to anyone else in the same situation. If I told you I had to take 3 weeks off cos I couldn't cope and felt bad cos I'd rested you'd be the first to tell me I had nothing to feel bad about.

Woo Hoo for counselling, that's great news darling. I think you have every reason to feel hopeful about the new year.

I wonder what it is about anti d's that makes us all so reluctant to take them? They're not particularly unpleasant drugs. (I hate them too - I pretend I forget to take them which is ridiculous as I don't 'forget' the anti-psychotics, which have much worse side effects.) Hope that you are feeling better on them soon. I'm taking them again too, we can get better again together

With you on the small talk. I find saying 'I've been ill.' with a very strong full stop makes people look curious but shut up. Though telling people the truth wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing.

I initially had an incorrect diagnosis similar to one you were wondering about ... the targeted therapy for that is phenomenal - they are using elements of it all over the world in all different spheres of mental illness. I have a book and CD about one of the key concepts PM me if you'd like me to send it to you. (Or to send you the link to Amazon if you'd rather)

Keep fighting Elli, I'm right behind you

x

Thank you! And thanks for the link thingy, I'll have to look at that.
I think thats what I'm lacking, resources. Too tired to look for some for myself. Internet is a wonderful thing and it has everything, but sometimes finding the right things can be a right pain.

I had a good end to the day, and rest of the day at work went ok too. Spoke to my boss and he is ace, totally understanding and making sure he says the right things. But he's been there too so that always helps.

Ended up ringing samaritans this morning too as I was getting a panic attack.
So yes there are ways to deal with stuff I think sometimes its just too easy to shut yourself from the world and do what you do best; feel sorry for yourself. Gets you nowhere but its your safety blanket.

Need to keep checking this thread more often. Good to have your support xxx

Hey Elli,
I've been really lucky - lots of people have pointed me in the way of useful resources. If there's anything specific that you're looking for I can let you know if I've come across something useful in my travels.
Thrilled that your boss is ace. That's really brilliant news (actually did coax a smile out of miserable little me!)
Did you find Samaritans helpful?
Be nice if you checked in - you'll always have support. I think those that are most likely to help people up are those that know how painful it is to fall, like your lovely boss.
If you'd like advice and information then I'd recommend calling or sending an email to Sane - they're really good.
http://www.sane.org.uk/
as are Mind of course
http://www.mind.org.uk/
Hope the anxiety has lessened now sweetie. It sounds like you're doing so well
xxx

Hi-de-hi guys and girls!

How are we all doing after Christmas?

Hopefully it was good enough for everyone.

Hey Ben-o

How's it going chicken?

I had a pretty tough Christmas, the homelessness stuff was threatening to break me but NY was great.

I got to see my twin sis, her fella and her beautiful girls and my parents n little sis briefly on Christmas morning but I spent most of the day on my own cos I just couldn't cope.

Thankfully I found a bit more fight before NY and was determined that I'd make the most of 2012. I have to remind myself to notice the positive things all the time. I had a really lovely small gathering of friends and family on New Years Day. We wrote all the things we were thankful for on paper lanterns. The thankfulness was fantastic we laughed and everyone was enthusiastic (mostly for my benefit I'd have thought) the lanterns didn't like the idea quite so much ... 9 smouldered in a heap and 1 was launched into a tree. Lazy lanterns aside I was an a high for a couple of days. I feel really blessed, 2011 has been difficult in some regards but it's been incredible in others - I have so much more love in my world now than this time 12 months ago. I think I'm totally different too.

I've had a blip today but I think I'm much, much better overall. I feel quite optimistic about 2012. How about you guys? Where's everyone at?

Someone said today that everyone feels blue in January, do they?