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How do you get going again after pregnancy?

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25/07/2013 at 23:16

Bear in mind I have bn a childminder for 14yrs so 

really have never had to buy Camryn much in the way 

of toys and both my friends have daughters a yr older 

than Cam so I never have to buy her much clothes wise 

either. So shoes + dressing up stuff is what she loves and that's 

what she likes to spend her birthday/Xmas money on.

I'd much rather that than some of the kids I mind who 

don't have wellies or a kagoule when we go for a day out, but 

they have a bloody Ipad at 8yrs old. Seriously! 

25/07/2013 at 23:16

I suspect I will be mean like you Vixo.

M's funny thing is that if you take her boots off you have to take her socks off too. She simply will not wear socks around the house - even when its freezing! Weird child!!

25/07/2013 at 23:24

Cam is the same, near naked + barefooted about 70% of the time. Altho she changes clothes a lot it tends 

to be dressing up stuff so just gets hung back up when she 

changes 10mins later, so don't have piles of washing. In fact some 

days she doesn't wear proper clothes at all.

26/07/2013 at 08:23

I am a pushover, I reckon. But I know why. I remember not being allowed to wear my own clothes to school on mufti day because it meant that I wouldn't get a week's wear out of my school uniform and my mum wasn't washing casual trousers / skirt that I would have got dirty in the week when I could just have worn uniform (school skirt only got washed rarely). I was the only child in the whole school not in mufti. Likewise HUGE fuss if I got my clothes wet / dirty during the day and it meant she had to wash them rather than me wearing them another day. So I have gone totally the other way and E changes non-stop. My wash basket overflows but it doesn't really take that much effort to wash and sort, and it means she's happy.

Also I remember not being allowed to take a potato to school when we were making potato people as that was a 'waste of good food'. so i was the only child in my class without a potato, which is probably why i go over the top with craft and don't mind how much mess they make or how much stuff they use.

i'm sure they will berate me for other things in future that i did / didn't do that were the 'end of the world for them' but at least i try not to replicate the things that upset me.

oh and my house is also always full of other people's kids because i was never allowed a friend home from school in case they make a mess. and i go overboard with birthday celebrations because i never had a party after my 5th birthday, when my mum got so stressed out that she actually left home for a week, and i remember distinctly my poor dad having to manage 20 odd 5yr old girls for a party by himself. so my kids have 2 weeks of celebrations, including party tea at home and a birthday party, as well as a meal out and usually a trip they want to do because i am over-compensating for my childhood.

ho hum. at least i know i'm doing it!

26/07/2013 at 09:02

Good on u CM. 

I just feel like Camryn is a imaginative, creative little girl 

and I am not going to squash that dwn. She should b encouraged 

to b the wonderful character that She is. 

Childhood is all about going out + getting mucky + I think 

every child should b given the confidence to b themselves 

+ revel in their individuality + uniqueness. They have a lifetime 

ahead of them of wearing school uniform and conforming 

to a dress code for work, let them enjoy it while they can.

26/07/2013 at 09:13

And how can I criticise anyone for creating extra washing when 

I create most of it running 5days a wk

26/07/2013 at 09:27

Aww CM that is so mean of your mum!! I can see why you do what you do and I sure as he'll know which option I'd prefer!!

I do mess for sure - drives hubby mad! I'm trying to find out whether I've got worse recently or if he's just become more intolerant because he's constantly complaining about mess at the moment - sigh!!!!

26/07/2013 at 09:30

Tt - I feel the same. E won't want to dress randomly forever, and I find it quite funny and very cute at the moment, so I let her do it. (Plus it's easier for me as I don't have to battle with her constantly over clothes!).As long as the kids are happy and confident, that's all that matters.

The other morning, J got up and asked to play the laptop but it was all packed up and I was trying to sort E's hair out, so I said 'no' as I didn't have time to plug it altogether for him so if he wanted it he had to do it himself. (He tried, but couldn't open the lid of the laptop so gave up). He then said he wanted to do some craft thing or other and again I said 'no' because I didn't have time to set it up. He stood in front of me, his eyes filled up and he said 'That's not fair. I have only asked you for two things this morning and you have said 'no' to both of them'. I got upset because I realised he was right and I felt really bad - neither of the requests had been unreasonable and I could have facilitated it - I just wanted to finish E's hair first. But then I thought - actually, it's really positive that he stood in front of me and told me very clearly that I had upset him and why I had upset him. There was NO way I would ever have been able to do that to either of my parents. I would have internalised it and been upset myself and not asked again in future. So I apologised and said that when I had finished E's hair, I would open the laptop so he could play it.

That is the kind of relationship I want with my kids - where they aren't afraid to ask me and challenge me (in a constructive way), and where I will listen to them and realise when I've screwed up. If I can keep that going, hopefully we will all be okay.

26/07/2013 at 09:50
CM - it sounds like you're doing a great job, and I'm sure your kids are not going to grow up feeling the way you did. I was lucky enough to have a pretty good childhood so I think I'm trying to replicate that to a certain degree. We also always seem to have a house full of children, and I like that air of slight chaos and busyness, although I do prefer it in the summer when they spend all their time in the garden rather than creating havoc in the house!

Our dressing up clothes are scarves, hats, old clothes, bags etc rather than themed bought outfits, but I'm sure they serve the same purpose! Isabelle has never been interested in television so we never have it on - she watches the odd episode of peppa or fireman Sam on the ipad - which means she's not interested in most of the branded stuff in shops on the rare occasions we go shopping because she doesn't know or care who the characters are. I'm not actually sure I've ever taken her to somewhere like toys r us, the best she gets is a stroll down the toy aisle in our local sainsburys, or a trip to hobbycraft!

All our children are very lucky - the fact that we spend so much time on here talking about them shows how much they are all loved, and how much thought we put in to how they're looked after and brought up. It's great to hear how other people are doing things - I think it's easy to get stuck in a parenting rut, so I try to be open to thinking about doing things differently.
26/07/2013 at 10:07

That is so unnecessarily mean of your parents CM.  I would be so sad if I had forgotten something like an own clothes day and M was the only one in uniform, but to just say no is plain mean.

26/07/2013 at 10:48

J is now at the age that i was when i have some of my particularly strong memories about abandonment and feeling isolated / different. that is hard for me to cope with actually. J seems so young and innocent. And yet at that age I already had very strong feelings that I was strange / wrong / bad / hateful and also remember my mum's behaviour very clearly. It makes me want to weep worrying that I am failing J in some way and that he is also brewing feelings / anxieties etc which I am unaware of and am contributing to by my behaviour or lack of understanding. I am sure it all sounds like total cr@p to you gals but I keep having flashbacks to the 7yr old me and feeling very anxious.

26/07/2013 at 11:26

I know what you mean CM, as I some times do or say things to M, yell at her etc and then think to myself that I shouldn't have done it as she will be remembering things now.........of course I shouldn't have done it regardless not just because she's going to remember.

I still think you're amazing to have obviously done well at school and gone to Cambridge which such minimal support from home.

26/07/2013 at 12:50

i had lots of 'support' in terms of academic opportunities, and extra-curricular activities (some of which I didn't want to do to be honest!). but i was constantly told i was a waste of space, didn't appreciate all the opportunities i had; mum 'rued the day i was born' etc. and i was scared of my mum - scared that everything i did or said would make her scream, shout, throw things, smack me or leave home (like she used to do every 3 months or so). i threw myself into studies that i was good at - hence excelled at languages and was good at music, so did excessive amounts of those because that was where i felt comfortable.

26/07/2013 at 13:38
They f**k you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you. But they were f**ked up in their turn By fools in old-style hats and coats, Who half the time were soppy-stern And half at one another's throats. Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can, And don't have any kids yourself.
26/07/2013 at 13:55

Is that some famous quote RB or just you??

26/07/2013 at 14:00

Yup. Let us all slit our wrists now as we are only going to balls it all up. 

26/07/2013 at 14:47

Not my words - It's a famous poem "This be the verse" by Philip Larkin. Or, at least, the first line is famous. I'm not sure how seriously he intended it to be taken.

26/07/2013 at 15:44

I did think you were suddenly getting a bit philosophical on us!

26/07/2013 at 21:03

Love that RB! 

Yes CM I find Camryn very cute too in all her mad outfits, with 

her bags of confidence, chatting to anyone who'll listen. 

I was a very introverted child, very shy and self conscious, she is so 

not like that + I love it, just sit and watch her in aw sometimes

 

 

26/07/2013 at 21:41

I love Philip Larkin too! I bet he was a proper grumpy old genius. Agree with RB about seriousness or otherwise of poem - but then again, many a true word is spoken in jest! 

I think you are a great mum CM.  

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