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How do you get going again after pregnancy?

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16/01/2014 at 10:33

Were u the same as a child CM? Just wondered whether u were 

and ur Mother handled it badly triggering ur ED, or if it was 

purely a reaction to other aspects of their parenting. 

16/01/2014 at 10:40

Just wanted to say too, that despite having terrible parenting 

role models u have turned out to b a fantastic Mum and u should b extremely proud of 

yourself CM. In fact there are a few on here who have 

bad childhood experiences but have turned them around 

and used them as lessons on how to do better in their own parenting. 

That is a fantastic thing and u all deserve to feel fab about yourselves 

for doing that. A lot of people just spiral dwnwards with every generation.

16/01/2014 at 11:34

Tt - i was a big child, Tt. i look at all the pictures of myself in class photos and i was always taller and bigger than the other kids. i always felt very ungainly as well - i was clumsy and had a stupid haircut and wore massive glasses and just looked big and awkward.

my ED came around after my food intolerances in junior school. i started vomiting regularly and ended up in hospital after i collapsed. was diagnosed with wheat intolerance. that cleared up the vomiting, but i still had asthma and slight eczema and rhinitis. my mum took me to a homeopath who did all sorts of weird allergy testing on me and told me i was allergic to just about everything. i had to take these drops to 'desensitise' me to the things i was allergic to (minute distillations of the things i reacted to) and go back for regular testing (all day at the weekend once a month). i was put on an exclusion diet - only allowed to eat meat, fish, fruit and veg. no grains. no dairy. no eggs. i was about 11 or 12. i hated it. my grandmother thought my mum was mad and would feed  me all the things i wasn't supposed to have when i went to see her and then say 'look you haven't suddenly got ill. you are fine. there's no need for you to eat like this'. but obviously didn't say anything to my mum.

so that's how it happened. i started eating secretly all the things i wasn't allowed to have. then started to get fat so started making myself sick etc. then it escalated into full blown anorexia and by the time i was 18 i weighed about 6 stone. with an offer from cambridge to study languages that i couldn't take up as i was too ill...

so i can blame my mum for that if i choose i guess.  she obviously had a lot of anxiety around my health but i wonder if it wasn't a bit munchausen by proxy-ish. keeping me ill so that she could control me. she was the only one who could prepare me food. it had to be stainless steels pans, filtered water etc. i couldn't eat anywhere other than at home etc. and actually - there wasn't really anything wrong with me other than an intolerance to wheat, which cleared up by itself by the time i was in my early 20s (last time i had a wheat-based reaction was when i was about 22 after eating nothing but bread and cheese when interrailing for a month). all the other things i had (a bit of asthma, a bit of eczema, a bit of hayfever) were quite normal things to suffer from. and probably did respond a bit to no dairy but to be honest, i didn't have steroid inhalers or anything and it really wasn't that bad.

16/01/2014 at 13:36

I would say blame it on bad parenting rather than bad 

parent, I don't think ur Mum is a bad person and that only 

causes pent up resentment to think that way. Ur Mum is clearly 

messed up in her behaviours but I am sure she thought she 

was doing the right thing at the time

16/01/2014 at 13:39

albeit she was wrong and ur paying the price

16/01/2014 at 13:57

yes, she's messed up in her behaviours. stripping my daughter naked in public in february when she wet herself, hitting her and screaming at her until she was sick - behaviour of a bad person? hmmm. i could be persuaded. i certainly demonised her in my mind. i remember when i was having therapy for anorexia i had to draw a picture of my mum. i had this mental image of a monster. i refused to draw her because i couldn't bring myself to draw a picture of a monster. i was terrified of her. she had hideous outburts - violent, physical outbursts. as well as violent verbal outbursts. and she was so unpredictable - she would leave home for days at a time. i remember the first time she did it was on my 5th birthday. we don't know where she went. we never found out. 

anyway - i really should be over all of this now, shouldn't i? it's not helpful to let it drag me down.

16/01/2014 at 14:33

That's why sometimes it's better to distance the behaviours, in a way, 

as in see that she obviously has huge problems, whether it's 

mental health issues, personality disorder from a traumatic 

abusive childhood or whatever. It's her behaviours that were 

wrong, not you, you were a gorgeous innocent child just 

like ur beautiful babies. She wasn't strong enough to see her 

mistakes/problems, you are. 

16/01/2014 at 15:02

yes, she does have huge problems. and yes she had a sh1tty childhood. is it just a case of not having enough emotional intelligence to make the decision that you won't continue this pattern of behaviour tho? it was when she said to me, after i confronted her about the incident with the police, that she wouldn't hesitate to do the same because E was such a nightmare child and the only way to deal with it was the way she did it - that's when i realised there was no hope. that and my father saying there was nothing wrong with what they did, and the person in the wrong was the person who reported them who was a coward for not confronting them if they had such an issue with what they were doing. i actually hate my parents for that. it's 2 years ago now, and i still have such a strong emotion of hatred when i think about it.

16/01/2014 at 15:36

JT - maternal. she was very toxic too. hated my mother and went out of the way to slag her off. especially to me. it was a horrible situation. i already feared my mother and then my grandmother was slagging her off too. told me she should never have been allowed to have children because she was a 'paranoid schizophrenic'. my mum went through long periods of time having no contact with her. but in the end she always went back. it's horribly reminiscent of my relationship with my mother too. except i've made the break and i'm not going back this time.

16/01/2014 at 16:56

Good for you CM

 

It has taken me 10yrs to b able to b in the same room as my Mum's partner and no longer feel 

utter hatred towards him. He will never b allowed around my children 

even in a 'safe' environment but I can at go and do my Mum's 

cleaning while he is in the house and exchange polite 

short sentences. And he never actually hurt or touched my 

child, just what he did was a huge betrayal of trust and it made 

me question every minute he ever spent with my daughter 

and gave me horrific nightmares that I will never forget. 

Not to mention the hurt he caused to my Mum and the fact my daughter lostthe 

Grandpa she loved. But I have no regrets about my decision 

to cut him out our lives, my responsibility is to my children first and foremost.

 

I know he had a horrific childhood, with sadistic evil abusive father and 

then stepfather and I feel some sympathy for him, but I have to protect my children at all 

cost. If his mother had done the same he wouldn't have endured the 

childhood he did and I think he actually respects 

my decision for that reason.

16/01/2014 at 18:45

Oh yes - night sweats!  I've had them the past few nights.........TOTM is due but this has never initiated night sweats before, I've only ever had them after having Eric.  I'm only 36...........surely too young for the CHANGE???

16/01/2014 at 18:51

I started getting night sweats at TOTM after J arrived sporadically, after Scarlett arrived (shortly before my 37th bday) they became a more regular occurrence - usually for me it's at the end of TOTM ... I put it down to the perimenopause - the delightful bit for the full monty!!! enjoy

16/01/2014 at 19:42

Great.......

16/01/2014 at 20:00

CM- my K&Co catalogue has half a dozen maxi skirts 

if ur struggling to find them in shops

16/01/2014 at 20:58

Tt - ooo thanks

night sweats - yup. have had them since having J (i was 33). around TOTM. worse when on antidepressants - had them all the time then. now just a couple of days before my period is due

i've just done a training session with my friend, M. oh my god my LEGS and ARSE are killing me. flying 30s. and as if that wasn't bad enough we did loads of squats and lunges. i really love my friend. i really do.

16/01/2014 at 21:07

Yep to night sweats here too - used to be just during TotM but now its the few days before as well. Delightful.  Think I'm peri-menopausal too as also had menstrual migraines for the last 3-4 TotM  - none of the over the counter stuff touches it (presumably because its hormonal).  Ah the joys!! 

16/01/2014 at 21:33

it's great isn't it MR, I get those too, make me Feel so sick!

16/01/2014 at 22:00

Ok enough already.  I wish I'd never asked now

 

16/01/2014 at 22:04

CM, your honest appraisal of your childhood and family relationships was very touching (not sure if that is the right word), I really admire your understanding of yourself and how you got where you are, I hope the new therapy is good for you, you deserve some good help as you have come so far already.

Your friend M sounds like a real gem, I am now 'fb friends' with her and she's very funny.  Sounds like an awesome session tonight, well done.

Eek to menopause and its associated fun and games.

I told my mum today that I'm pregnant, felt a bit mean as she was just finishing cooking and they had some friends over for dinner and she agreed to keep it to herself for now.  Her response was 'whaaaatttt?', heehee.  She was probably bursting all night.  She was asking what size pajamas to buy for  Os and I told her not to worry if they were too small for him as the next one would get to wear them!

Sonya, did you have a scan yet to get an estimate of your due date?  Hope the sickness subsiding for you now.

Lovely new trainers over on FB, quite envious!

16/01/2014 at 22:43

Haha T-tid that's a good way to let your mum know! How many weeks are you now?

Hmmmm stress levels rising here today!! Had a bit of a depressing team meeting today - been set some crazy targets by Sport NZ for one of our programmes (the programme I have the least interest in) and we are going to have to focus everything onto it or the could pull all our funding which would have direct implications on my job - hopefully it won't come to that but stressful and will make work even more busy! I'm trying to organise our plans for the next couple of months as we have 3 weddings to attend - bang goes the hope of much camping sadly! Thinking about the cost has made me tart worrying about hubbys job situation. I hven't really been that worried but now have started to think of what might happen if it takes longer than just a few weeks. Esp as we have house moving looking and moving into a new rental is costly (stupid agent fees for NOTHING!). Gah!!! Need to talk it all through with hubby obviously but because its him out of a job, its hard to avoid it looking like I'm piling on the pressure when he's doing what he can but I need to suggest reducing Matilda's days at daycare temporarily as its a major cost at the moment and hard to justify - hard to know though because if hubby got work quickly we might not be able to increase the days again which would cause problems! Lotte I hope your hubbys funding is renewed and you hear soon so you don't have to worry.

right, I'm offloading on here but it is neither a) getting my work done or b) getting the washing hung out so I better shift myself!

 

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