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How do you get going again after pregnancy?

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23/01/2015 at 15:02

well i brought in a salad today with some slices of ham, 2 boiled eggs, raw spinach, carrot, spring onions and celery and a cooked beetroot.  was halfway through eating it and the head of virtual learning environment came into my office to talk to me about an incident we have with plagiarism detection software. when students log onto it to submit an assignment, it brings up a 'you have tried to access porn' website as the firewall is flagging it incorrectly. anyway, he asked me to show him the error message as he doesn't get it from his Mac laptop. as he leant on my desk he knocked my entire pot of salad on the floor. . inedible now. gah.

Camlo    pirate
23/01/2015 at 15:20

Oh dear, lots of sadness and worries again. Really hope that the sun begins to shine in our lives again.

CM - take each day as it comes. Dont make big decisions which you may regret - you have admitted that this has been creeping up for a while and nothing has worked to date. Until you make peace with yourself it never will. Was going to suggest taking some time out but that may feed your feelings of failure so perhaps sticking to routine is more important. I know accessing help is difficult with work commitments but the samaritans are always on the end of a phone... Not specialist i imagine but good enough to listen to you offload and vent. You are right to consider the effect on the kids- focus on getting them fed, washed and bed on time. 

Caro - eek to going back to work soon, not really been a holiday has it! 

CC, Lotte and RF - brrrr keep warm up there!



23/01/2015 at 15:38
CM I lol at ur summary of the 4-7-8 technique as that's exactly what I did too

I have a yoga DVD called Barbara Currie's Power of yoga, I had the video yrs ago and it started to go all wonky (as videos do)and I couldn't get it anywhere on DVD. So bought a different one by same woman. Hated it & only used it a few times. Checked again last wk & got it on DVD Woohoo! Was only ??6.48 inc delivery.
23/01/2015 at 16:07

you're right camlo. i do need to make peace with myself. i don't really know how to do that. part of the ongoing issue is the guilt i feel over the relationship with N. N is a lovely man. very sweet. extremely kind to the kids. we have a lot of fun. but i have so much guilt over the beginning of our relationship. and i know he has guilt too (although denies it) around his ex wife - whom he still hasn't settled financially with. and i still haven't met his kids. my kids now ask if they can meet his and he says 'i don't know'. it will never happen. perhaps it's not important. except actually it IS to me. i don't know why.

anyway - all of that is in my head and i almost feel like while he is in my life i will constantly reproach myself for what happened. and yet in so many ways he is so great. he would drive here in a shot if i wanted him. i never ask him to come but he does. he still lives officially with his parents in N Yorks. he still has this room through work in the midlands - which is a sh1t heap and i don't go there. he still has nowhere to live really. and i won't let him live with me. so he comes most weekends but not all.  he's not here this weekend. and he is around sometimes on a monday too. but i won't let him move in. i don't want him to move in. i don't feel like the relationship is legitimate. which is madness isn't it?

anyway i'm still at work - avoiding finishing off some call handling guidelines.

and caro - i will do some youtubing. i promise!

23/01/2015 at 16:55

That's probably not the word I'd use Camlo 

I just read a great're going to throw something at me in a minute CM so I'll shut up after this but I had to share

'I don't meditate to find peace.  I meditate to be at peace with what I find.'

and I promise I am not turning into some weird hippy chick guru who exudes love, light, peace and happiness at all times.  I'll be back moaning on here about something soon  


23/01/2015 at 17:01
Neither u or N need to feel this tremendous guilt CM. Ur relationship was clearly never going to work with T and N had nothing to do with that. N's marriage was not a happy one and that was not ur doing either. I totally get his 'kids' anger and loyalty to their Mum, as a child whose father left for someone else I have bn there. But I grew up and realised it wasn't my Stepmum's doing. If they can't accept that they r being immature. (I was 19 when I grew up and realised, it wasn't something that came with the wisdom of Middle age) U both deserve to b happy.
23/01/2015 at 21:24

Caro - have listened to some of the YouTube clips from the self compassion site. All good so far. Then I click on the self guided meditation ones and pick "affectionate breathing". Am already a bit sceptical at this point. Anyway she starts talking and then there is this almighty dong of a bell. The cat shoots up in the air and looks utterly freaked. And I piss myself laughing. Not going well  

Camlo    pirate
23/01/2015 at 21:57

Anything which causes you to laugh is a success!! 

23/01/2015 at 22:29

I am sitting on the loo reading this and you just made me piss myself laughing too  I prefer the loving kindness one, but now I am trying to just sit quietly for 10-15 mins with no guidance.  Man the rubbish that is in my head..........the trouble with the guided ones is I have to like the voice, and usually I don't so I get put off.  I don't mind hers though.  

23/01/2015 at 22:34

I assume that you are not sitting on the loo for 10-15 mins meditating 

i did about 3 mins earlier of trying to clear my mind. It's weird and I don't really get it. But I will keep trying. 

Off early doors for a 10 miler tomorrow. It's a fiendish one. Basically all up or down and no flat at all. Ho hum!

23/01/2015 at 23:35


Feeling much better today.  I dont work on Fridays (much to my boss' disgust) so I've had a nice day hanging out with my kids.

I've realised that I am quite an anxious person deep down (i think most people who know me wouldn't realise this).  I spent most of my mat leave feeling anxious, running around and for what?  Dont get me wrong, i enjoyed it but i should have chilled out more.  Basically I dont want to look back on my life and feel the same way.  I could, without doubt, benefit from some more mindfulness.  Caro, I love your thoughts on that you dont want to change your life, just how you respond to stuff/feel about stuff.

CM - re your thoughts about the start of your relationship with N (I am reading between the lines and you were both officially with other people when it started?), please dont give yourself such a hard time.  My Dad had an affair with my step mum (who was also married) and at the time and for many years after, it was so black and white to me and he was 100% in the wrong.  I then went through some counselling and grew a bit older and realised that my parents marriage was pretty much non existent, my dad was shut out from my mum and her life and it must have been pretty shit for him.  I am not saying its ok, but its not black and white.  Please forgive yourself.  Also spend some time looking up the concepts of childhood shame.  When i first learned about it, it sounded so random/rediculous/not something that i would associate with.  When you learn about it, its very interesting and relevant.  Big hug xx

24/01/2015 at 07:47

CM you should have a look at the headspace website, or watch Andy puddicombe's ted talk.  He explains that meditating is not about clearing your mind, which is the mistake I used to make.  And the more you try and think of nothing, of course the more you think of everything!  

Meeting 7 of my school friends for lunch today, most of whom haven't seen me since pre cancer.  Looking forward to it.

24/01/2015 at 09:19
Had a really lovely day today, weather continues to be incredible so family trip to the beach - deserted at 10am so all went for a swim with Freya asleep in pram by waters edge. Then our little local zoo had its 50th birthday party (it's only a wee place). Face painting, bouncy castle, cake and story telling - M was in heaven!!
Hubby super impatient with tired grumpy kids tonight - giving him some slack until he finishes work end of next week then he needs to find ways to keep his stress from affecting them!! Finding my promise to not get involved in helping him solve this is hard - always have a suggestion on the tip of my tongue! I think it will helps lot though and quite possibly made hubby feel like I thought he was useless last time.
Caro that's interesting about meditating not being emptying your mind - that's what I always thought!
Glad you've had a better day PG3, work situation sounds tough!
24/01/2015 at 10:08

Does your hubby exercise Hoggle?  Was good for stress relief here if mine went for a run or even a walk when he was between jobs!!!

24/01/2015 at 11:06

I am glad cc! Btw if you want a chat while hubby is away just shout. I am on my own and kid free till tomorrow

glad you said something to hubby tho

well I'm in the bath. Done a 10+ mile hilly run and it was so icy. I have a million jobs to do including cleaning the car and the windows and guttering outside but I'm in the bath. If someone could bring me another cuppa now that would be fab please thank you

im planning on listening to a podcasty type thing in the bath. Then ill get out and do my jobs!

dry January is making me think too. Drinking was a habit for me. I had got to the point where I was having a few alcohol free nights a week but I was still drinking too much when I did drink. It's been so easy giving it up and I'm not missing it at all. I don't feel I'm the least but better for not drinking. I still feel just as shit every morning and if anything I have even less energy. But I'm thinking about continuing beyond the end of january just because i don't think the wine filter view of life was actually healthy and I think if i go back to drinking wine in the evening I wont do the self help stuff I need to do. I also need to lose weight and I'm probably looking at 3-4 months to lose the weight I need to lose. So drinking isn't going to help that. Thinking of doing a 100 day challenge which will take me through till after Easter. Thought doesn't scare me at all. Which I guess is a good thing. Actually I think not drinking would be an act of kindness to myself in a way

24/01/2015 at 11:12

So now I've waffled. Hoggle - would your hubby be open to any mindfulness?

PG - yes there was an overlap. I left Tony and moved into a rented house though. Nick has never lived with me but we continued our relationship. Nick also left his wife and moved into his parents. They sold the marital home and she took all the equity and bought another house. He took all the marital debt -60k ish. And he pays her maintenance. Even though the kids are all adults and none live at home. He has no house. Masses of debt and very little disposable income. Doesn't have enough even to rent a one bed place for himself... This has been the case for 3 years now. They still haven't concluded the financial settlement. Latest thing is that he needs to giveher600 quid so she can get an uptodate pension statement. I despair...

Camlo    pirate
24/01/2015 at 11:35

CC - i have been in your situation when the actual seperation is the end of a long journey and actually is quite painless as you have already done the 'hard part'. That said if hubby did resolve work and moved home perhaps you could/ would rediscover each other?  I love the idea of running boot camps, you could offer a real diversity from mood enhancing hikes to full on physical challenges with wild camping! 

CM - glad you seem a little better today x 

Just getting ready to run an hour to the elan valley so we can all bike and then i will have to run home again as cant get 4 of us plus bikes in the car.

24/01/2015 at 17:21

I love running to / fro places Camlo. Makes the run have a purpose and i enjoy that. Lovely day here so hope you had nice time. Any red kites?

i spent today cleaning car and outside of house : doors and clearing up tree detritus and cobwebs. I've now embarked on Jacobs bedroom. And the playroom. Looks like a bomb has hit the house. Clearing out loads of old stuff!!

Camlo    pirate
24/01/2015 at 17:50

My legs are trashed!!!!! Set off with instruction for hubby to meet me there at 1:30 but he got into a battle over cycling gear so was late and I had a 2 hour run instead..... Followed by 40mins on the bike. Made sure I squeezed in the car to come home!  

Clear out is good CM, saw lots of kites as i ran by the feeding station. You ought to come up for the 5/20 milers. 

24/01/2015 at 18:07

Just caught up. Been such a busy week as in Orlando for our annual trade show. Staying down here until tomorrow and going to meet up with Max's best friend and family tonight as they happen to be here this weekend too. Max is going to freak when he sees them as I won't tell him in advance. 

Sorry so many of us still in such turmoil. 

CC I did wonder if you were moving on emotionally. Only you know if it's worth fighting for. 

CM the world keeps throwing shit at you at the moment doesn't it?  It does seem such a shame that you and N can't move on as you do actually seem to have fun together and he's great with your kids. 

Hoggle, it's great that you have both recognised a better way to relate to each other going forward. Really hope he finds a good job quickly. 

Caro, can't believe you're starting back at work so soon. I imagine you'll be glad to get back to it. 

PG hope you can kick work into place soon.

Our show was good, but such hard work and tough on the kids going into an unfamiliar daycare for long days.  Better get showered and dressed as promised Max I would take them to the arcade this afternoon. 

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