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How do you get going again after pregnancy?

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23/03/2015 at 08:06

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-hampshire-32001207

My brother in law has just been on a jaunt across the Atlantic for work and has arrived.......

23/03/2015 at 08:50

blimey Kinsey - yes do go and get it checked out. it'll probably be nothing but you need to find out. i can still get drops of milk if i hand express and i haven't fed for 5.5 years!

i did think about puttinga comment that i would make a good Catholic, but didn't want to offend anyone! but yes, it is almost overwhelming guilt about everything. i feel so guilty that i told N at the weekend that i feel like i need to apologise to T for what i did. he was lovely and said he understood (and obviously i'm not actually going to go and do it!! T would look like me like i was a slug on the bottom of his shoe if i tried to talk to him about it) and actually it made sense. anyway, the guilt is firmly entrenched - particuarly with regard to some decisions I have made. don't feel like i deserve to let go of the guilt, and actually even putting Ellen into my shoes (which helps with so many things), I wouldn't expect her to beat herself up about the decisions she made as much as I did, but i would be telling her that, to have made those decisions means the relationship cannot be good for her and therefore she should be getting out (if she expressed herself as i do). anyway - not interesting. bla bla bla

yes, J a complete star on his mile swim yesterday. he had done 1k previously but it's a big jump from 1k to 1600m, esp if the pool is only 17m long!! poor child had to do 94 lengths bless him. and he did it with a smile on his face and a SONG. yep - he was singing as he was doing backstroke. he took it slowly, followed instructions and absolutely nailed it. bless him. he was so proud of himself and i was over the moon that he had done it in such a positive way. he didn't for a moment waver; just kept trooping up and down that pool smiling and singing. what a darling boy!

his sister had a huge jealousy fuelled tantrum about the whole thing. obviously. hmmmm

23/03/2015 at 13:21

Oh yes well done to J on the mile!!

Have made an appointment with the doc so will just have to wait and see now, sounds as though still having milk is nothing to ponder too deeply on though.

Its v difficult to comment on anyone else's relationship or feelings so it would be great if you could put the guilt to one side CM, there are lots of things I could spend my life worrying about/feeling guilty about and I suppose to roll out a cliche, 'today is the first day of the rest of your life' so try to leave the past (which you cannot change) behind and move forward making more positive choices... 

Obviously its not that simple but its how I try to deal with most things!! 

23/03/2015 at 13:40

I have one thing in my life that I feel terrible about, enormous guilt etc, not something I have told many people and it will stay that way.  But we discussed it last week at art therapy, it was very hard, it still is, but then I was listening to a podcast of desert island discs yesterday and the person being interviewed was an American death row lawyer.  And he said something that I found quite profound and apt - 'each of us is more than the worst thing we've ever done.'  And his clients had done some terrible things, far worse than any of us have......you included CM!!

Don't worry, you really wont offend me with any catholic comments!

23/03/2015 at 13:45

i'm ashamed of myself though, caro. that's hard too isn't it? there's not only the guilt; there's the shame. utter prickling and cowering shame...

23/03/2015 at 13:51

Lol CM, definitely no offence taken here And Amen to that, Kinsey!

That's a bit scary, Kinsey - would definitely get that checked out x

 

23/03/2015 at 14:07

PG - you definitely need a hug (()) So hard to have crap from home and work. I'm so grateful that my work gives me a bit of respite (although, to be fair, I'm not finding as much time as I'd like ATM - but that's guilt talking again, isn't it?!). Agree totally with you and RF that making contact would be a very bad idea. Can't remember if I said, but her partner contacted me about 5 weeks or so ago (about the same time as the big apology). That was hard as he was clearly upset too. I kind of want to email him again and ask how he is but I know that'd stir things up again. Weirdly, B even said I should! Dont know whether to think he's calling my bluff or is it genuinely that there have just been a couple of emails between them as he said. 

Anyway, I am probably worrying about things that may or may not have happened/may or may not happen, and that is a pointless exercise! As it is, at face value, we are getting on well. He is clearly making an effort - yesterday he cooked dinner, cleaned up, made me hot drinks (doesn't usually do those things). We also all went out together with the kids for a bit of retail therapy And he genuinely wanted to talk to me yesterday about stuff - nothing profound, just chitchat, but that's another development. The new mindful me is also finding it easier to relax around the kids and not shout at JP all the time (I'm afraid he has occasionally taken the brunt of my anger - something I am not proud of). He IS hard work, but is responding well to the new approach. He has been very anxious about going to school and quite tearful when there, and I am sure that the situation will have affected him. Trying not to feel bad about this and to forgive myself for my response to a nightmare situation. 

No run since Sat thiugh - full of lurg. Hoping a day or two of rest will sort it! 

23/03/2015 at 14:21

I have no words of wisdom but it makes me feel so sad CM that you can't let yourself be happy. Makes me realise how truly lucky I have been in my upbringing. Maybe I'm not normal because I really don't think I have any guilt  over anything. That's not to say I think I am perfect and always make good decisions - far from it. But I don't dwell on things. I am hopeless at planning and just live day to day but maybe that isn't such a bad thing. You deserve happiness and I just hope you can find a way of forgiving yourself. (())

Fantastic swimming from J.

Great biking there RF. 50 miles is the furthest I have done on my bike but it is being a bit neglected just now. Great shopping from Camlo

Did a cross country race yesterday and then 20 miler this morning which felt tough. All 6 kids raced XC too and me and the older 4 won age group champs for the winter series! Cameron and Lewis were 4th and 5th in the Under 9s race.

Kids are  bouncing off the walls here, so excited about the holidays. We'll be in Spain this time next week

23/03/2015 at 15:07

Have you listened to the Brene Brown TED talks on shame and vulnerability CM?  I don't retain much these days but I did learn and understand the difference between shame and guilt - shame - I am a bad person, guilt I did something bad.  Now I can't really remember what you are supposed to do with it once you know the difference except that i know you are not a bad person.  I have things I am very ashamed of, but I too am beginning to understand I am not a bad person.  One of my fave quotes of the moment comes from Harry Potter :

'You are not a bad person.You're a very good person who bad things have happened to.  Besides, the world isn't split into good people and Death Eaters.  We've all got both light and dark inside us.  What matters is the part we choose to act on.  That's who we really are.'

 

Edited: 23/03/2015 at 15:07
23/03/2015 at 15:48

Great deep philosophical words from HP Caro.

I love that you also listen to Desert Island Discs podcasts - that's another of my middle of the night go-tos.  What was the name of the death row guy, will look out for him.

Nuro, really hope this is things properly turning around for you.  Does he have to have contact with her for any reason (work etc)?  If not, then why is he exchanging any emails at all?

Kinsey, hope you don't have to wait too long for your appointment.  Wow to all of you still getting milk, I struggled only months after birth with all of mine.

Lotte, fabulous running from your whole crew.  Great that you have a holiday to look forward to, can't imagine how you ever organize everyone to go away, especially as I don't suppose you can fly direct from where you are.

Camlo, awesome result with your shopping at the expo, I love a bargain!

 

23/03/2015 at 16:18

Bryan Stevenson TTid

23/03/2015 at 21:18
But what happens if you are a person who has done bad things and made bad choices. Not all the bad things were things that just happened to me. Some of them were choices I made which I shouldn't have made. I wasn't passive in this. I was active in making the bad choice. What about those times?
23/03/2015 at 21:44

No-one is perfect. You can't change them or undo them. You might do things differently if you had the time again but you won't have that time again and you can't go back. They are what they are. Move on CM and choose to be happy.xx

 

Edited: 23/03/2015 at 21:44
23/03/2015 at 22:02

 we are all only human. We make decisions - rightly or wrongly - based on the information we have and the situation at the time. Those decisions are only ever to make things better/easier for us and/or those we love. You decided to make things better for both you and your children and there is no shame in that

TT - apparently she emailed him and asked how he was. I know, I wish he hadn't replied. He didn't need to for work reasons or anything like that. I know he feels bad about hurting her because he has never 'dumped' anyone before, not ever. It hurts me though. I can't trust him yet, now I know this. I don't know there's not still more to it but I have to not drive myself mad. Still, again tonight we've had a really nice evening since he came in and we are getting on like we haven't for ages. When he's in regular contact with her, he changes. And he's not like that at the moment. I am accepting of the fact that he will let her go but it will take time. 

23/03/2015 at 22:39

So CM......in answer to your question about choices....this is one I find hard too....but I am currently reading a book co written by a Buddhist monk and a clinical psychologist.  It's called mindful compassion and although it's hard going and taking me a long time to read, it is very good.  In it they basically say we are a product of two things, evolution, which designed our brains the way they are, and our upbringing.  Those two things combine to make us the people we are, and influence the choices we make.  It doesn't mean we can use that as an excuse and say nothings my fault, it's all just my brain and my upbringing, of course not.  But they gve a very good analogy where they say that if they had been kidnapped as babies and brought up by a Columbian drugs gang, there is very little chance they would be cowriting a book about compassion.  So although genetically they would be the same people, their circumstances would be entirely different and they would probably be murdering people for drugs.

 

23/03/2015 at 22:45

I can make a direct correlation to some of the bad choices I have made, and my upbringing.  It's not to say I am blameless, but the blame doesn't rest entirely o. One persons shoulders-yours, mine or anyone's.

ok, I have found a page that fits what you're saying exactly.  I am going to attempt to type it on my I pad, forgive typos.

its called the shamed self.

one sense of self that we certainly don't choose but many people can get locked into is the shamed self.  When the Adlai lama came to the west he was stunned by the level of self- criticism, shame and self-hatred that afflict so many western people. Many mental health problems are riddled with a sense of shame and people can even kill themselves because of it.  We must feel this way because other people have been critical in the past

23/03/2015 at 22:49

Or have condemned us.  People who have been physically or sexually abused, or who come from emotionally neglectful backgrounds, or who have experienced bullying to acute loneliness can experience strong feelings of shame and unloveability.  They believe that they ar seen negatively in the minds of others, or that if others really knew them well they would reject them as bad, inadequate or flawed.  They live their lives in hiding, never being able to open up and connect with others because of the fear of being judged and rejected.

when we feel ashamed, not only do we have a fear of other people lacking understanding and kindness towards us, but we also start criticising and attacking ourselves. What happens the. Is that our sense of self becomes focused around a shamed identity and feelings of shame with oneself.  And just when we need compassion and the support of 

23/03/2015 at 22:51

Others to help us with our inner struggles and difficulties we find the opposite.  The negative feelings we direct towards ourself are full of disappointment, hostility and condemnation..shame is one of the biggest blocks to developing mindfulness and compassion.

ok, enough.  Need some sleep before mr tesco at 7 am  

24/03/2015 at 07:52
Some really good stuff in there Caro.
Ok weekend although we fell victim to whatever weird moon is putting marriages through the mill. Stupid argument over stupid stuff but pent up frustration (me with him and his tidy freakness and him with his work and both really lost our tempers - too much shouting!! Talked through it and all ok but I hate the extra stress his work is putting on us!

Have decided to cave and buy an interim pair of jeans until I fit into my many too small pairs - sigh! Other option is to stop eating chocolate - haha unlikely!
24/03/2015 at 07:56

Caro - that is so true. I think CM you are reflecting negatively because you imagine that there would have been a rosey outcome if your choice had been different. There almost certainly would not have been. You made the choices for a reason and those reasons may not be so visible now but that does not negate them completely. 

I also think we do have crap thrown at us - Caro and Nuro are an example of that- not anyones fault just the way it is - thats when you accept help and support from friends, blow a raspberry and get your trainers on! 

Shame and guilt are like acid inside us - no-one would choose to tolerate that so put it away, look in the mirror and say OUT LOUD- i am not a bad person, i am only human and i will not let this affect me any more.  

Hubby signed up for a cycling sportif on the same day as my half iron (which i cant go to by myself) so i have made him compromise by not doing the hereford tri so we can go on the recce weekend instead. 

 

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