How has triethlon training and racing impacted on your personal relationships?

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The Silent Assassin    pirate
27/02/2012 at 16:58

doesn't really affect me as the Mrs loves the sport as much I do.

Jordy seems to enjoy the supporting bit as well

That said we can't train together as some one has to look after Jordy and we do make an effort every week to have some family time (yesterday we all went swimming, not training, messing about throwing a ball round the pool)

VT'd    pirate
27/02/2012 at 17:38

OK, I'll go first, and hope I make sense

I think that too many personal releationships are not on firm grounding to begin, perhaps because one or both partners are needy, or neither partners are particularly compatable to begin with.  I'm sure my own persoanl relationship falls into the latter.

I currently train 6 days a week perhaps 14 hours in total, she studies at Uni and buries her head in books.  I agree, that doesn't really sound too extreme, but I'd like to put that into some perspective.

I served on a RN warship for 22 years with no family contact for months on end except for the odd mail drop.  Weeks before I leaving on 9 month deployments I never slept and I often cried like a child for days after we sailed.  It always helped to cry, and after a few days I got over the separation settling into the task in front of me.  I have never been known for being a pussy, and I was not alone in shedding tears.

I left the RN and have been home for 10 years now.  During that time I never really looked back with any regret.  I now work a few weeks away from home per year, but nowhere near what it used to be.  In all this time I don't think my marriage has been proven to be rock solid,  in fact it's probably still as shakey and tenuous as it always has been.   

We don't spend a lot of time talking things through and I don't rationalise or analyse disagreements.   When one partner feels they own the right to emotionally dump on the other then things will unravel IMO.  The space to breath and to nurture one's own ambition is vital in any relationship and both partners should respect and encourage this.

My life and philosophy in a nutshell

Running Postie    pirate
27/02/2012 at 17:48

doesn't really affect me as the OH is into tri as much as I am. We both drool over new kit and we keep the expenses down by sharing magazines and arrange holidays to include triathlons The kids on the other hand, don't mind the 'holidays' but get a bit fed up of being dragged along to local races/tri, so we try to make sure that they have thier time as well. Last year we spent a week at PGL and had a brilliant week, this year we are off to vittoria,Spain for the tri and are tagging on a week at center parcs in France for the kids. 

27/02/2012 at 17:48
that said SA - you've been through the mill like I and others have....

triathlon hasn't impacted on the relationship that Petal and I have as we both race, and are now both refs, but I will hold my hand up and say that my obsession with training for my 1st IM nearly broke us. I lost sight of the relationship we have as I was so utterly focused on IM - that was one hell of a wake up call when I found out how bad I'd got.

it's something I try to relay to all wannabee IM - don't ignore the partner you have, as you do so at your peril.

agreed SA???
seren nos    pirate
27/02/2012 at 17:54
agree FB..but its the same with everything on life.from work, sport to watching the soaps........if you become obsessive about it then you risk trouble with you relationships......

but some people just swap one obsession for another so a partner might prefer an obsession with sport to one about drugs or alcohol or food ..........the lesser of two evils...........

it must become even worse when more than one obsession is present......

I'm lucky that I'm not an obsessive character
27/02/2012 at 17:58
*cough* diet coke *cough*
VT'd    pirate
27/02/2012 at 18:08

Three kids KK. 

I didn't even get to know my now 26 years old first daughter, the one I cried rivers for.   My second daughter (24), an angel has remained very close to me despite me being away for eight out of her first eleven years. 

I have been at home for the most of my son's 19 years.

I agree with the points on obsessive characters, that would probably encompass me.  I am also very single minded, although I wouldn't think I was overly selfish.  That last sentence would also make me a hypocrite I believe.

seren nos    pirate
27/02/2012 at 18:18
Mouse...i will put my hand up to that one........

kk..although I am upping my cycling i am lowering my running and sometimes i wish i was obsessive as I easily convince myself that I need a couple of more rest days or rest weeks.....or that a 4 mile run is fine when I should be doing 20....i have to make myself go out most times

My Oh is a bit more obsessive than me and hates missing one of his 5 runs and even gets up at 5am on a saturday to get his long run done nice and early.
27/02/2012 at 18:50

My wife hates triathlons and everything connected with it.. If i didn't have a turbo and running buggy there is no way i would still be married.

Mrs FF does not do sport but to be fair she does understand what i get out of it, she just has to remind me that sometimes i'm doing to much and need to give up a session or two. Does focus my training times and means i can't really junk mile train.

27/02/2012 at 19:02
I did sign up for an IronMan in 2006 but I found it all too much for me.  I had 3 young children at the time, worked and had a husband who worked long hours and so fitting it all in was a problem for me as I had no other support,  At the start it did impact on our time together and in the end I decided that my family and my sanity were more important than an IM.  My husband is really supportive and comes to watch most of the things I do including the tris that I actually did.  Now that my children are much older I'm not really interested in ever doing an IM and I'm glad that I spent as much time with my kids as I did.
27/02/2012 at 20:30
I feel lucky because my fiance is very supportive of my passion for running. He even joins me for races sometimes or came to meet me at the finish line in the past, which I found really sweet. We occasionally run together, which is good bonding time, but because we are at quite different levels, we do not do it very often. In a way, I have infected him with the running bug, but he runs for different reasons, more for the weight control benefit. Either way, I feel that running has added a new dimension into our relationship, a new area we are discovering together and can talk about from time to time.
IronCat5    pirate
27/02/2012 at 22:08

Mrs Cat5 is in to her swimming, though it has taken a back seat of late. Not all of this is due to IM training.

Though I am quite happy to move my schedule around to benefit the family and other things that need to be done.I try to put as much time in with the kids when I can, but I will admit to being obsessive and single-minded and sometimes find it hard to focus on things other than my training.

I already have the feeling that the Outlaw will be my one and only IM until the kids are much older. There is a very large guilt payoff with weekend training session.

Mrs Cat5 says I have always been 'hobby' oriented, and get really in to something, only to give it up after a few months or a year. That said, I'm taking a year out of something to do the Outlaw. And I've been doing that for about 16 years - much longer than I've been with Mrs Cat5, but the cause of constant arguments in the past.

meface    pirate
27/02/2012 at 22:12

Postives

  • Better than the pub for weight control
  • Gives me positive associates (don't really do friends -  sorry folks) 
  • Creates a life outside of work/family so I have something to talk to them about

Negatives

  • Time away from the family training
  • Cost

 My wife enjoys social sport and so will climb hills all day long if she can natter away, will play badminton for fun, enjoys going to the gym/classes etc but is more of a once/twice per week participant rather than an enthusiast. I just don't think she was ever taught to train hard and/or doesn't get the same buzz from a hard training session.

Does she come and 'watch' me race. No, how boring would that be. Most of the time they can't see you, it is probably cold and/or raining and when they do see you it is just flying past (slowly). Has met me at finish a couple of times for very local races where I can predict my time to within 10 minutes.

Has it affected our relationship, of course, everything we do does that.

It can suck time but I just do the best I can, bike commutes, swimming early, long runs on Monday night (rather than wiping out Sunday). Planning helps, I have had to sacrifice other stuff, I hardly ever drink now, I don't get to the pub. Also have to up effort with kids, come back from 2 hour bike and it is my turn to play with the kids, who cares if I am tired.

I have been told to back off for a bit after this sumers IM (but mara training striaght into IM training) so fair enough. I will want to back off for a bit anyway.

I hope it is going OK - I have asked and I am told it is but is that the same thing?

M.eface

OW
27/02/2012 at 23:44

Training has not impacted at all. Either mine or his.

I stopped my obsessive training the day I petitioned for divorce. It was very much an outlet which I no longer needed. It was not the cause though...more the symptom

OW
Dubai Dave    pirate
28/02/2012 at 08:20

All of what Cat 5 says really, add in a  bit from FB and you get to me! Definately got a bit obsessive about IM last year, much more relaxed this year. Try to spend time with my kids, as KK says a 90 minute run is one thing a 6 hour bike ride something else again. Mrs DD does not want to know about any more IM, so haven't told about Outlaw, I should think I can keep it under wraps until after my 1/2 IM in May which she does know about and then there will only be 5 more weeks of heavy training to go so I can argue were nearly there!

So has it all impacted on my relationship, sure it has but I am managing it much better now than last year and am much more flexible about going out, missing sessions etc which of course comes from the knowledge that I have done one IM so another is possible. The added bonus is that at 54 I know this is the last one, I actually don't want to train hard all the time anymore. Whilst it has had negative impacts there are also positive poinst in so far as Mrs DD now runs and my kids desperately want to race a tri, so positive role models and all that.

The Silent Assassin    pirate
28/02/2012 at 08:32
fat buddha wrote (see)
that said SA - you've been through the mill like I and others have....

triathlon hasn't impacted on the relationship that Petal and I have as we both race, and are now both refs, but I will hold my hand up and say that my obsession with training for my 1st IM nearly broke us.  I lost sight of the relationship we have as I was so utterly focused on IM - that was one hell of a wake up call when I found out how bad I'd got. 

it's something I try to relay to all wannabee IM - don't ignore the partner you have, as you do so at your peril.

agreed SA???


Oh completely agree FB, luckily that is behind us now and just from time to time it can rear its head again, but we now know what the first signs are and deal with it straight away.

Golden Boots    pirate
28/02/2012 at 09:00

After splitting with my partner a few months ago I have realised how different IM training is when single. We split up a week or so after IMW (Not related just coincidence I think/hope/am told) and training this time round is totally different.

I no longer have to ever feel guilty and can train around my own needs/wants.... but, I miss having the emotional support that I used to get... and as I rarely train with others I have realised just how solitary and lonely IM training can be.

It's swings and roundabouts really.

Symes    pirate
28/02/2012 at 09:17
The main effect on our relationship is that we've had the opportunity to visit places we probably wouldn't otherwise have done, Austria, Switzerland, Eastern and South France, Germany, Luxembourg, Bala and a car park in Lichfield to mention a few.

Training is done to fit in with each other's plans so apart from a couple 6 hour bike rides towards May there's no impact there either.

Other gains are a bunch of friends who we wouldn't have met without tri and Mrs S gets a husband who is better shape than she probably expected a few years ago.

It's been a win win for us
The Silent Assassin    pirate
28/02/2012 at 09:22
seren nos  wrote (see)
agree FB..but its the same with everything on life.from work, sport to watching the soaps........if you become obsessive about it then you risk trouble with you relationships......

but some people just swap one obsession for another so a partner might prefer an obsession with sport to one about drugs or alcohol or food ..........the lesser of two evils...........

it must become even worse when more than one obsession is present......

I'm lucky that I'm not an obsessive character


Unfortunately I am something of an obessive character, always have been and its gone somthing like this

Started playing golf, enjoyed it, became OK at it, it then took over life, playing all day Saturday and Sunday, in the summer Wednesday nights as well and when at home would dissapear up stairs to practice putting. All came to a head and got told, so stopped golf

Signed up for the pub football team, to replace the golf, started just as a player, then starting managing the team, then started running the local league, then started reffing, then got a seat on FA council. So it became Saturday and Sunday would be out reffing twice each day, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday football meetings. All came to a head again so stopped football

Started running, to train for London Mara, following advert from charity involved with, but after doing this for a couple of months, Mrs SA joined me, the rest as the saying goes is history.

One small point about Serens post above, I have had a bad injury from running (broken back) and the trip to the off license gradually becomes a habit and then becomes the fix you used to get from running.

Ironholgs    pirate
28/02/2012 at 09:36

I'm extremely lucky - my wife, Em, is very supportive and takes an interest in what I do - whilst at the same time thinking I'm mad.

It's my second marriage, and as such, I really appreciate what I have now.

If she told me tomorrow that I had to quit triathlon or she'd leave, I wouldn't think twice about it, I'd retire. HOWEVER I know she wouldn't.

It's much better than me going to the pub twice a week and getting pissed.

Now I have a daughter I find training harder to do as I'd rather spend time playing with her, but to lessen the impact I'm getting out earlier in the mornings to train.

I'm an obsessive person, but having the right person supporting me has allowed me to find balance in my life.

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