Feeling much better today. I dont work on Fridays (much to my boss' disgust) so I've had a nice day hanging out with my kids.
I've realised that I am quite an anxious person deep down (i think most people who know me wouldn't realise this). I spent most of my mat leave feeling anxious, running around and for what? Dont get me wrong, i enjoyed it but i should have chilled out more. Basically I dont want to look back on my life and feel the same way. I could, without doubt, benefit from some more mindfulness. Caro, I love your thoughts on that you dont want to change your life, just how you respond to stuff/feel about stuff.
CM - re your thoughts about the start of your relationship with N (I am reading between the lines and you were both officially with other people when it started?), please dont give yourself such a hard time. My Dad had an affair with my step mum (who was also married) and at the time and for many years after, it was so black and white to me and he was 100% in the wrong. I then went through some counselling and grew a bit older and realised that my parents marriage was pretty much non existent, my dad was shut out from my mum and her life and it must have been pretty shit for him. I am not saying its ok, but its not black and white. Please forgive yourself. Also spend some time looking up the concepts of childhood shame. When i first learned about it, it sounded so random/rediculous/not something that i would associate with. When you learn about it, its very interesting and relevant. Big hug xx
Hoggle I hope you are OK too. Sounds rubbish. Big hug
Cc are you having post big race blues? I know its commonly talked about in triathlon, you focus so hard on a race that afterwards you can feel quite lost. Usually medicated by entering something else! I hope you are OK with hubby being away. Stay warm!
Cm I so feel for you. Firstly let me say in your situation, I would be 100% the same. I have a tendency to spiral out of control when things are stressful. You do need to try something as it sounds like you are in a really bad place. If you are really anxious then reading might not help now but maybe try watching some you tube clips on mindfulness might help. Once you can start to think a little clearer, I would definitely do some reading. Massive hug.
Re my work, I am taking action in a few different ways. I can only see it ending with me leaving.
On the plus side, hubby is being great
Can't believe I move on Thursday!! Arghh
I also realized its nearly Feb. I have a marathon in April. I have been running and roughly following my plan although I have adapted it as 5x a week was too much. I am struggling mentally with running though with everything going on and then I feel worse as I feel I am not on top of my game for running. I guess I am used to being so focused on big races and I just can't be right now. I know I need to give myself a break on this one and just do what I can.
Cm its so hard to dig yourself out when you are in that deep.I hope you get through this OK. I would be the same in your situation.
Hoggle - its shitty sorry for your stress.
I actually work technology so I can go to hr. I am trying not to say too much on here as its a public forum but action needs to be taken. In the meantime I keep asking people internally if they have jobs. I need to get away from these tossers. My entire team feel the same.
CM - i have been reading and thinking about you. Its sounded like a few days of hell but the visit sounds better news than expected. Big hug x
Things have been a little shitty here. My bro was rushed in to hospital on sat. He had been for MRIs and follow up appts on thurs and fri as he was having neck issues, but he was starting to struggle to walk and hold things. He was worried he had MS. It turns out he had a disc issue pressing on his spine. Apparently one bad move and he could have done permanent damage, ie be paralysed. He had surgery on sunday morning and i went to visit him tonight. He also has a 2 week old baby and a 2 year old son so not great timing. He has some spinal damage but hopefully it should all be ok now.
Work is shitty. I am trying to work out my next move. I wont say too much on here as it may get legal but its utterly miserable there. I have to log stuff, watch my back and i think they are going to try and get me for performance issues. Working mothers are certainly dont feel welcome. I am gutted as I always enjoyed this job. I've only resorted to tears once today. To think I was looking forward to going back...