Sorry I've been awol for a bit, was having a tough time and finding it hard to talk about it or help anyone else and then everything changed in a matter of days. I've got a short term contract so doing some real work... was rung about the role on a Wednesday, had a phone interview on the Thursday evening, arranged a face to face for Friday lunchtime that was then postponed just before i set off and rearranged for the monday morning and started work on the Wednesday!!! bit of a rush job to say the least and just to add to the fun of it all I'm commuting weekly as the job is in Yeovil!!! That was the second week in June so I've done 4 and a half weeks now, its hard work but good as well and i did quickly drop into a work mode. One good about it is I've found a nice little pub to stay in that has very comfy rooms and great food and their own brewery, its quietand a bit of a retreat after work plus is only 5 minutes from the office. My gentle start back has given me a tea of 15 including 3 in Budapest!
It has given me a huge lift, i feel like a normal person again and while it hasn't taken away all the money worries it is helping, both of which were causing me massive amounts of stress.
So things looking up at the moment. apart I had to go and catch a virus, it might be the flu so got in touch with the docs and they've given some Tamiflu for the next few days due to having a temperature.
Hope everyone is doing ok and the quiet is just a sign of people feeling good in themselves.
where is your anger directed bunney? is at yourself or other people? I get a hint that you are angry with yourself at the moment and you are beating yourself up (and down) repeatedly. you wouldn't do this to Brian so why do it to yourself?
i know its hard but you have to talk to people at the ward, you're not wasting their time as you are one of their patients, you're not just someone who's decided to pop in off the street and have a chat about the weather. talk to them as you would talk to us or yourself, they wont judge you or anything and it will help them to help you better. the first time you start to open up it will be scary, after all you've been supressing this for a long time, but it does get easier, sometimes somebody just listening and passing the tissues can help so much. it doesn't really matter what they say as long as they let you talk and listen to what you say.
And if you cant talk you can write, it's been said often on here that if you cant face telling someone something write it down and give them it to read instead. it gives them information and it will let them start a conversation with you instead of you having to try to start it.
it sounds like you are damming things up, afraid to let them out, afraid to let yourself have feelings of anger or anything, i think we all feel like that, we're supposed to just put up with everything and cope, that anything else is wrong and a failure. but you are allowed to have anger and other negative feelings about situations and other people and you are allowed to show it. you aren't less than anybody else, you have as much right to be happy as anyone else does.
you say that it's not fair on Brian so you need to share the load don't you? he doesn't want to lose you before you set off down that line of thinking, but talking to the medical staff will take some of the load off him wont it? he'll get some help from knowing that you are being helped wont he? if you cant talk to them for yourself to start with try doing it for Brian. (sorry, I know that sounds a bit hard/harsh bit maybe it will help you looking at it that way)
it does raise some of the interesting issues faced when you admit to "mental illness" whether its depression, bipolar, BPD or whatever. one or two people have already asked why Comic Relief didn't show this early on in the evening (it was shown at 12:20 in the morning).