Posted: 22/10/2014 at 10:10
I can't really describe it but I'm feeling very upset/guilty/whatever as I have been planning a couple of things next year, and obviously Claire won't be there and I didn't need to check with her regarding her plans. I have booked a local 10K in January; Claire was with me spectating at it last year and we were pregnant, but didn't know it at the time. I have booked a gig to see a band called Royal Blood with a few friends in February. This was one of Claire's favourite most recent bands and she would have loved to come to see them. I have also booked to see the comic Tim Vine. I've seen him a couple of times before and he is hilarious, but again Claire loved him too. I know I'm a techy geek but what tipped me over the edge was that Claire and I have a shared calendar on our Macs/iPhones and of course I have no need to update that calendar now with these things, do I?
The other thing that tipped me over the edge is that I looked at the Torbay Half website as they have "early bird" offer. I had forgotten that they have a picture of a group running shot and if you know where you're looking you can clearly see Claire in it as she's on the front row of the picture. This took the wind out of my sails a bit, even though I've seen the photo a lot of times in the past.
I think it's all sinking in bit by bit, and it's not nice
I know I need to start thinking about Claire's clothes and also the nursery which has all Jay's stuff in there (push chair, cot, moses basket, all his clothes, curtains/lampshade/mobile for the cot, nappies etc etc). I can't face doing that yet though. It has been pointed out to me by a well meaning but possibly misguided friend that I may be in danger of holding on to these things too long as some kind of replacement for what I've lost, but I don't think that's the case to be honest. It's only been just over a month and I know Claire and Jay are not here anymore, but I just don't want to sort out their belongings yet as it's difficult to contemplate going through it all and sending it to a charity shop.
Anyway, I had a day off from running yesterday and had a nice afternoon with Claire's Mum. I'm hoping for a 5-mile steady run in a little while and then I'm seeing a cousin in Exeter after she finishes work this afternoon. I am keeping busy, but in a funny way I am kind of wondering if I'm keeping a bit too busy. I have a couple of plans tomorrow but Friday is relatively free (other than the dentist and possibly a Trotters session at 7pm if I feel like it) and I think I'm going to keep it that way. I may go up to the church again and sit there for a while and just see what I feel like.