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Eating Disorders - Positive Steps

Could you be suffering from an eating disorder - or do you know someone who might be? These pages might help

Posted: 4 January 2006

Food and diet are an essential part of a runner’s training programme. It’s perfectly normal to try out different foods and eating patterns – do you eat an hour before you run, or two hours? Do you switch from cow’s to soya milk, or increase your carbohydrate intake? – to find out what works best for you.

Many people start running to help control their weight, and soon find that as they get lighter, they are able to run faster or further. The trouble with keeping on trying to lose weight is that the returns – the increase in speed – diminish as your weight falls. Excessively restricting your dietary intake will leave you under-nourished and under-fuelled for your training. Extreme eating patterns – whether it is cutting down on how much you eat to as little as possible, or binge-eating and purging or excessive exercising – will impair your performance, and can damage your health permanently.

Eating disorders are more common among male and female runners than among the average population. Sometimes it affects existing runners; sometimes people with eating disorders take up running specifically to lose more weight.

The long-term effect of under-eating can be devastating – in women it can cause menstrual and fertility problems, and osteoporosis is much more likely in both men and women with eating disorders. It can cause problems with your digestive system, your kidneys and your bowels, and can even be fatal.

If you think that you, or someone you know has an eating disorder, don’t try to cope alone. There are plenty of places to get help, especially through the Eating Disorders Association (EDA). If you want to know more about eating disorders and running, you can download one of our information leaflets – there are a series of three:

If you think you have an eating disorder that is tied up with your running, but don’t feel ready to tell your family or your doctor, you might want to make use of the EDA’s self-help network. The network puts people with eating disorders in touch with former sufferers and carers who can offer support and information. You can ask for email, postal or telephone support; it is all totally confidential. Contact details are below.

The EDA also welcomes volunteers. If you have previously suffered from an eating disorder, or cared for a sufferer, and think that you are now in a position to offer support to someone who is currently going through what you did, you can find out what volunteers do here.

Contacting the EDA

Website: www.edauk.com
Email: helpmail@edauk.com
Telephone helpline: 0845 634 1414
Postal address: Eating Disorders Association, 103 Prince of Wales Road, Norwich NR1 1DW

Do you recognise any of these signs?

ANOREXIA NERVOSA

Psychological signs:

You feel fat even when you are thinner than other athletes
You set high standards and want to win every time
You are only interested in running, weight loss and food
You want to train on your own, and lose touch with friends
You can't concentrate

Physical signs

You have lost a lot of weight
Your periods have stopped - or never started
You have difficulty sleeping
You suffer from stomach pains, a bloated feeling and constipation
You notice a layer of soft hair appearing all over your body
You feel cold all the time and get chilblains

Behavioural signs:

You are pushing yourself harder than ever in training
You lie about what you have eaten to your coach, parents, family and friends
You weigh yourself a lot and think that an extra pound will affect your running

BULIMIA NERVOSA

Psychological signs:

You feel emotional and depressed and suffer from mood swings
You feel out of control of your life
You are scared that people will discover your behaviour

Physical signs:

You suffer from sore throats and infections regularly
Your periods are irregular
Your skin is dry or in a poor condition
You feel tired all the time
Your salivary glands – at the side of your face – are swollen
You have trouble sleeping

Behavioural signs:

You eat large amounts of food periodically
You make yourself sick after eating
You take laxatives to try to lose weight
You are secretive about your eating habits

Becoming an EDA Volunteer

If you have personal experience of an eating disorder, either as a sufferer or a carer, you will know how vital it can be to have someone to talk to. Volunteers don’t offer counselling or professional advice to sufferers, but provide a contact for runners with eating disorders to talk to about their feelings. If you think that you have the time and commitment to become a volunteer, please read the introductory guidelines, below, and then get in touch with the EDA.

Volunteers should have, or be willing to develop, the following skills:

Knowledge and understanding of eating disorders and running, either on a personal or professional level
Ability to offer support in a non-judgemental and impartial manner
An understanding of boundaries and confidentiality

The EDA asks that:

If you have a personal experience of eating disorders, you will need to have been in recovery and out of treatment for at least two years
You can commit to a minimum of one year
You complete an induction training programme
You are over 18.

Ways of Being a Volunteer
Telephone volunteers take telephone calls for a set period each week. They are trained to listen to and support callers and to offer information about other types of help available in their local area. Telephone volunteers cannot counsel or advise callers but can offer a sympathetic ear to callers in distress.

Postal and Email Volunteers
Many people find it helpful to write to someone about their problem. Although e-mail is almost ubiquitous, some people may prefer to write with pen and paper. You should reply to the person you are supporting in the same way that they contact you. Like telephone volunteers, postal and email volunteers cannot counsel or advise callers but can offer a sympathetic ear to sufferers.

Training
The Eating Disorders Association runs training programmes for all its volunteers. The mainstay of induction training is role-play: members of the EDA’s self-help network team will take the role of a runner with an eating disorder, and will send you letters, call you or email you, and give you detailed feedback on the way you respond.

To find out more about how to become a volunteer, contact the EDA on 01603 75 33 10 or send an email

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Discuss this article

Trinity_

The article says "Eating disorders are more common among male and female runners than among the average population"

I'm not so sure I agree with that statement. I have a history of eating disorders but thankfully it was 20 years ago and I am free of all that now.

'Runners' generally take good care of their bodies and nutrition, so they can continue running and avoid injury.
Whereas, in my experience, people with eating disorders are on self destuct a lot of the time.

I think it's more of a case of people with eating disorders start running to assist the self destruct process and lose weight more rapidly, or enable them to binge more and not gain weight, which is not the mentality of 'a runner'.

Also, there is no real way of gauging the problem as a whole in society because most of it is done in secret.
Posted: 08/02/2006 at 09:29

ZEDED

I gree with you Trin. My knowledge of eating disorders tells me it is about having a sence of "control" -when a person feel outside of control and helpless in other aspects of their lives. Running is a "tool of control" for them people I guess. It can support binging by giving some sort of license to binge. Runners could develop eating disorders when weight is a struggle -especially when they want to get times down - but that possibly is a result of wanting to control and win at any cost.
Posted: 08/02/2006 at 09:49

Caramel Macchiato

I, too, had an eating disorder, about 15 years ago. I wasn't a runner at the time. In fact, you wouldn't have got me anywhere near any form of exercise - so low was my self esteem and so great was my hatred of my body at the time.

I can, however, absolutely see how some runners could be affected by an eating disorder. I can quite easily imagine how a young, high-achieving athlete could get sucked into the whole control thing (which HG rightly says is at the nub of an ED) and end up abusing food.

The right nutrition is key to performance at a high level. Focussing on 'good' vs. 'bad' foods is likely to make these young people more aware of foods than perhaps your average young person. I became very aware/obsessed with food because I had a period of extreme food intolerance between the ages of 9 and 15, which was controlled by an exclusion diet. That focussed my mind on food - the things I *was* and *wasn't* allowed. I can see how the same process could take place for an athlete. Restricting diet, excluding certain foods, denying oneself what one wants to eat - then becoming obsessed with it, and either bingeing or starving. Yes - I can see it happening easily.

Often, youngsters with EDs will be high achievers - academically or otherwise. They want to be the best, and this can easily translate, I would imagine, into being the thinnest, if that is perceived, as it sometimes is in sport, as being 'better' than being bigger.

That feeling of desperation - of feeling so unsure of yourself and your abilities. Of feeling the pressure of competition - academically or physically. Of needing SOMETHING you can be in control of, when everything else is down to many sets of variables. Those are all things that I felt when I was suffering, which I should imagine could affect a young athlete, desperate to be successful.

I've said 'young athlete' throughout - mainly because most people with EDs do tend to be younger. But there's no reason why it *shouldn't* also affect the more mature athlete...

I only started running about 6 years ago -long after my ED was sorted out. And for me, running *is* about control - but not in an unhealthy way. It helps me to control my weight, certainly. But it also helps me to feel 'in tune' with my body, which I find enormously helpful. For the first time ever, I think I now accept the lumps and bumps and saggy bits (of which there are plenty), because - in spite of them - I know I'm fitter, healthier and in better shape than the majority of the population. And that'll do for me!
Posted: 08/02/2006 at 10:41

athletekitch

I havn't read the aforementioned article (any link?) but I would suggest that they may be referring to elite junior and senior runners who do suffer an above average incidence of eating disorders. Before the introduction of the Sport England and English Institute of Sport it was generally down to the coaches to provide nutrition advice which appeared to detrimental to female athletes (lust look like Liz McColgan etc to get the times) esp. (e.g. is 5 out of 7 female junior athlete lost performace/quit elite running due to ED's - 1 of the 2 female athletes to have success is Paula Radcliff). Now hopefully us sports dietitians are getting to more athletes through the academies and referal by coaches to help prevent ED frequency of past.
Posted: 08/02/2006 at 15:51

Naomi Anderson

I agree with everything that been said above. I had an eating disorder problem about 8 years ago but exercise was what was help me get out of the cycle rather than into it. It provided a way of focusing on my body that was not self-destructive and helped me to get my feelings about food back into check.
Posted: 09/02/2006 at 09:17

wisp

I was wondering if there is some element of addictive behaviour that crosses between eating disorders, other addictive behaviours like self-harming and running? The "control" thing is definately a factor personally.

But, running is such a positive thing for mental health, physical health and stress relief.
Posted: 09/02/2006 at 10:05

JoG

Although I can see how running could have helped in the first few posts, my experience is rather different.

First of all, I was an anorexic for about 3 years between the ages of 15 and 18. I was not a runner back then. Between the ages of 18 and 23 I still suffered with an “obsession” over food, and although I was not starving myself, I still had abnormal attitudes towards food and eating. At 24 I started running, in the hope that I would be able to become fitter and healthier, and in the hope that it would help me with my eating. However, 3 years on, I am still running, but I am still suffering with abnormal eating.

Running has made me focus on food as fuel, i.e. the physical responses of the body to certain foods, the benefits that some foods provide and the foods that are best avoided for physical exercise. However this has just furthered my obsession over food. This distinction between “good” and “bad” could be an unhealthy one. Without going into details about my eating habits, I can say that I try so hard to consume the “good” foods in order to improve my running (and loose weight), but inevitably binge on the “bad” foods because I feel I deprive myself of some of the pleasures (this is describing it VERY simplistically).

Also, running has furthered my negative self image. I have always felt rather big (even though I have a BMI of just under 21, which is bang in the middle of the “normal” range for women), and self critical about my body. But since joining a club and participating in more serious races, I have found myself comparing my body to other runners’, and feeling even worse. I feel that the “better/faster/more serious” runners look down on me, because carrying a few extra pounds makes me a less fast, less serious runner. Again, this reinforcement of a negative self image is a major contributor to the development (or exacerbation) of an eating disorder.

So, as it has been in my case, I think an eating disorder can push one to running (i.e. running is used as an aid to boost the poor self image, or further weight loss), but, vice versa, running can promote eating disorders, as preoccupation over food and body and striving for perfection and control may induce disordered eating.

The feeling of “control” is a major issue in both eating disorders and running. Similarly, the want to push yourself further and further. Of course, the relationship between eating disorders and running can be a complicated one (which is why it has helped some but made others worse), perhaps governed by external factors, which could also explain the fact that the link between EDs and running is present for some and not for others.

This is my experience of the association between the two, EDs and running – a vicious cycle, which I am so desperately trying to escape. One would think that running, such a natural, endorphin-inducing healthy pastime would be beneficial, but for me it has and is only making things worse.

Posted: 09/02/2006 at 10:39

Caramel Macchiato

((JoG))
Sorry to hear about your situation.

It sounds as though you could really do with some help with this. Maybe think about contacting the EDA on this, since they are featuring it now. You may feel that you don't deserve to or need to because you 'look' normal and aren't really thin. But if your life is being made a misery by the battles you are having, you DO deserve to be able to get it sorted.

I can identify with much of what you say, even though my (now long past) ED and my running are in two distinct boxes in my life.

I think that's probably what I was trying to express in my post - certainly the good vs. bad food (I know EXACTLY what you mean, leading to denial, then bingeing, then self-hatred, then denial etc etc); the focus on food initially as fuel and then as a weapon; and the pressure (even if it is purely from within) to be thinner in order to fit the image of the runner and/or to be faster.

I'm just so lucky that I have my running as something which isn't linked with my food insecurities (and I do still have some although it no longer has any hold on me). I really hope that you are able to achieve the same sometime...
Posted: 09/02/2006 at 11:35

ZEDED

((JoG)) -CM is spot on -yeh please seek help on thes issues of your-life aint meant to be so miserable. I can only imagine some of what your going through.. However, i have dealt with people with similar issues and myself went through the comfort eating, self hatred and need to correct things cyle(usually through induced vomitting). Find value in yourself "as you are" -this may be a hard journey but I know it is worth it:O)
Posted: 09/02/2006 at 13:59

Caramel Macchiato

absolutely, HG.

JoG - you may think you will *never* be able to accept yourself as you are. you probably think you don't even want to, because you aren't happy with it. if someone had told me 15 years ago (when i weighed about 5.5 stone) that i would be 'happy' to weigh 11 stone, i would have ridiculed them. but i weigh that now, and i only know that because i had to be weighed for a medical for a job two years ago.

it's possible to get out of this vicious circle, but it's very very difficult to do it on your own.

i had a lot of help and counselling, and it still took me the best part of 5 years from the point at which i was forced into accepting help...
Posted: 09/02/2006 at 14:18

Trinity_

I've read this thread with interest and I sympathise with you (((JoG))). You're post brought back some memories of a horrid time in my life. I was anorexic during the age of about 15 to 17, followed by 10 years of bulimia. I ran during those years too but only as a way of controlling or losing weight. I then stopped running and didn't start again until I was 38.

I identify 100% with CM... and i'm lucky to have my past ED and my current running in two distinctly different boxes as well. Now I run because I enjoy it and I eat healthily to fuel my body so I don't get injured and can continue to enjoy running and racing.

Having said that I guess I still have a different view of my body size to what everyone else sees...but I accept that and I think many women (and probably some men) have the same insecurities, without having an ED. The difference is that I accept and love myself today.

JoG... seek help, because you can recover from this.
Posted: 09/02/2006 at 15:15

la tortuga

I am also managing an eating disorder at the moment. it has been an ongoing problem since my early teens. I have only admitted to it in the last year.

i was never sporty at school, but secretly I used to run up and down stairs/sneak out to run when my parents were out. That was when i was still at school. Then, all exercise was geared towards my eating disorder.

i started running in May last year with the aim of one day completing a marathon. At the time I was really struggling, and deep down my main reason to run was to fuel the eating disorder.

Now, a few months later i am doing much better. As my running improved i joined a club and have entered races. That has boosted my confidence. My body has changed - which is hard to cope with. I am hungrier more often which is an ongoing battle.

Ultimately, I now have a reason to eat. If i don't eat I can't run. If I can't run I'm grumpy!!

Now, still struggling, but I'm eating much better. And I'll be doing the london marathon. It won't be easy. But I do have the support of my family and friends.

I am at the start of a long road to recovery - I'm waiting for counselling. But one thing is for sure, running has fuelled my eating disorder in the past. Maybe it will do so again. In the back of my mind it is always there when I run. But now, at least, the running is helping. I feel proud that I am able to run now without the fear that I might pass out.

Posted: 09/02/2006 at 19:19

Duck Girl

(((JoG, tortuga)))

I had anorexia between 13 & 17, & spent most of my GCSE yr in hospital.

Ath the time I abused running in the same way i did everything else - it was just another form of self-harm, and i'd run with no intention of paying any attention to what my body was telling me.

I only stopped running when i was in hospital - and even then i'd climb out of the laundry window so i could run to burn calories, or excercise in secret where i wasn't physically prevented. running (burning calories) & controlling food were the only things i could think about.

When i got out of hospital & started getting better, i realised that i had to give up running for a while becuase it was just another means to self-destruction.

while i was at sixth form i didn't run much at all, though i did cycle to get round & living in the country kept me quite fit.

After i left sixth form then i started running again as my parents had moved house & i no longer needed to bike everywhere, and i was living near the sea in an amazing place for running. i think that by then after nearly 2 years, the compulsive aspect of excercise wasn't such a problem any more.
About a year later i did my first marathon more-or-less by accident, and since then i've done 7 maras (i'm now 22).

running in a positive way taught me that my body could do interesting & useful things, & that i didn't actually want to detach myself for it. it gave me a lot more confidence in myself (because i am dyspraxic, i was always last at games in school). and on bad days it gives me a reason to eat sensibly, because i know i need to eat to run. it makes the relationship between what i put in and what i get out of my body a lot clearer than if i was just sitting at a desk all day. i don't worry about the odd bit of junk food, 'cos i know i need to eat lots. it gives me another framework to see myself in than academic or social success - even if i don't get straight A's all the time, even if i'm not perfect, i'm still a marathon runner :) i've also made some good friends through it. & the endorphin buzz means it's good for my mental health to be out in the fresh air and sunshine, it helps with my depression.

i think maybe to some extent the sort of people who are likely to be successful at running (highly motivated, self-disciplined, prefer doing things alone, tendency to be perfectionist, etc etc) are also likely to be drawn to running. running's also a good match for self-harm in other ways - lots of the chemicals released in the brain are similar, which i think both contributed to my abusing running, and helped me switch from self-harm to more healthy running.
Posted: 09/02/2006 at 20:18

ZEDED

perfectionism is really a key factor -it carries so many shoulds and associated anxieties.
Posted: 09/02/2006 at 20:21

Jude 77

Hello all

Jog - just wanted to say that there is help out there. I was in the same position as tortuga last year on the long wait for counselling through the NHS. Had been on the list for about 6 months at that point after finally hitting rock bottom.
I've had bulimia since I was 18 (classic academic over-achiever, high parental standards, shy at school and hyper critical of myself and totally unable to express my feelings to anyone about what worried me). I went through uni eating and using exercise to control my weight and to combat the lows when depression kicked in. So in a large part i knew exercise could help me feel better. I took up running seriously a few years ago and did the FLM for the last 2 years. In part for the achievement but also because I felt having a training plan justified my obsessions with food and allowed me to indulge them in a way that appeared normal. It was ok to monitor everything and check everything and eat only certain things because that's what poeple in training did.
However, just before christmas I finished 6 months of group cognitive therapy and I can say now that I am in a place where I am happy that I never thought I could get to a year ago. It;s been a hard, hard slog and I have had to make sacrifices in cutting down on exercise etc and sticking to eating plans but I now find myself out for a run as and when I feel like it and not reacting because i have weight to burn or "should" be running 6 times a week because that was the rigid framework I set myself. And really it's so much more enjoy able like this.
I take inspiration from some of the comments above but how their EDs were a period in their life and am aiming to be able to say the same thing in 6 months by continuing with what I've learnt and paying attention to myself. I hope to return to running to a greater degree when I am mentally able to not be pulled into the competitiveness and food obessions that came with it before for me. I don;t know why some people avoid this whilst others are more seceptible - guess running means differen things for all.
So please know that you can recover from this with the right support. If it helps, I can honestly say that I managed to get thorugh the treatment without having to tell anyone I didn't want to know. For various reasons, I couldn't bear the thought of my family knowing or certain friends lest I be judged. But being in my group opened up contact with a strong network of people. 2 girls from my group are good friends now who I can talk to about htings I have never discussed with anyone and get real support in sticking with the plan. I wish you every luck.
jude
x
Posted: 10/02/2006 at 15:13

Caramel Macchiato

jude - well done you! that's a fantastic post. i don't underestimate at all the amount of mental and physical willpower that has had to go into getting you where you are today. all the very best for the future! you can and will do it!
Posted: 10/02/2006 at 16:40

JoG

Wow. I've just logged on after submitting my post about five days ago - I didn't expect such a bounty of responses!!!!

Thank you, everyone. I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to my post.

I shall have a good, thorough read of each and everyone of them.
Posted: 13/02/2006 at 14:18

therese the new and improved!

help me please.... i am dying. i have an eating disorder and last week i was ok but this week i am so sad.... does it ever end the counting and the weighin and the saddness. id do anything to b free and feel like i am on the edge i dunno where to go i am so sad its like its all ending in front of me help i think i am dying and want it to finish

Posted: 13/02/2006 at 14:33

Naomi Anderson

Therese, during my teens, I suffered with an eating disorder. My self-esteem was very low and I became completely focused on what I was eating at the expense of everything else. Thankfully I was lucky enough to have a supportive family that recognised what was going on and helped me to drag myself out of it before it got too serious. Key to sorting myself out was starting an exercise regime. I managed to persaude myself that doing exercise justified eating more than I'd trained myself to. If I exercised I was allowed to eat proper meals, if I didn't I wasn't. I got back to a sensible weight and maintained it, albeit with slightly strange eating habits resulting from still keeping an eye on the calories- I'd have a chocolate bar but then eat meals of pure fruit or veg to compensate for it. I'm now 26 and I can finally say that I've sorted myself out properly. Last year I started going out with a guy that made me realise that I'm worth a lot more than I gave myself credit for. As my self-confidence has grown, my issues with food and weight have fallen by the wayside. I'll always keep an eye on what I eat but it's no longer the demon that it used to be. I never ever thought, back when I was 17 and weighed 6 stone, that I would be where I am now. So I guess what I want to say, and I think everyone else that has contributed to this discussion has said, is that you can overcome this. It's not easy and it will take time and determination but you can beat this. Talk to someone, anyone, because sharing your problem will make it so much easier to tackle, believe me.
Posted: 13/02/2006 at 14:56

ZEDED

Therese - please use the web to contact the EDA -they will put you in contact with specially trained counsellors that will help you. It has took a lot of courage to open up like you have on this forum(believe me I know). family can be great help but can , out of no fault, be a great hindrance. For example they may have installed beliefs that you "must" and 2should" do this and that. These are power issues and ED's are often rapped up in power issues. I do know what I'm talking about, I am a qualified(on paper and in life) counsellor but this is a specialism I only have some knowledge on.

You sound desperate and I want to hug you-(((therese)). Even you kname "the eejit" says something to me about how you see yourself. For me I see someone being very brave -bet you would struggle to see that.

Please look for help.

take VERY special care

x
Posted: 13/02/2006 at 15:10

Caramel Macchiato

therese - you need help, and although you can find support and advice on this forum, we aren't professionals and we can't possibly take the place of proper professional help.

i don't know your situation, but please go and get some help. if you can't get to your GP, please please call the EDA - their number is on the article to which there is a link at the top of this page.

or call the samaritans - their number is in the phone book.

by realising that you have got a problem and wanting some help, you have already taken the biggest and most significant step on the road to your recovery.

once you realise that you have not got the will to carry on in that destructive cycle in which you are currently trapped, that's EXACTLY the right time to get some help.

please - call or email someone at the EDA yourself right now.

and, if you can, please go to your GP. they should take you very very seriously.
Posted: 13/02/2006 at 15:11

ZEDED

here you are therese:

http://www.edauk.com/sub_telephone_helplines.htm
Posted: 13/02/2006 at 15:38

la tortuga

Ths Something Fishy website helped me loads when I first admitted I was ill. It helped me to open up - and finally gave me the courage to seek help.

www.something-fishy.org (I think!)
Posted: 13/02/2006 at 18:59

therese the new and improved!

there are so many of us.........i am stil here, never thought id make it through today.. i need a hug alright, someone to hug me while i cry...cry for hours and hours. but your answers and advice are great and the knowledge that you understand and experienced it is so comforting, only those inside in it can understand the true lonliness
Posted: 14/02/2006 at 00:29

ZEDED

((therese))) - a good cry is always of benefit. Hope you've acted on advice -DO SOMETHING FOR YOU!!

x
Posted: 14/02/2006 at 06:56

Duck Girl

go & see doc.
please be honest with him.
the longer this goes on for, the harder to get out.
Posted: 14/02/2006 at 09:25

Jude 77

Hi therese
How are you feeling today?
Please use the support out there. i know from first hand experience how hard it is to go and get help because eating disorders are very private in their nature but you will more than likely find that in doing this it'll be a relief. When I went to see my GP, it was all I could do to stay there and go to my appointment and I struggled to get the words out but I felt so much better after. Because you'll realise you're not the first person with an eating disorder to come and talk to them.
Can you talk to your GP? They are there to help you. You pay for them through your taxes and, if you don't work, your friends and family cerrtainly do so they owe you the help you deserve. You must tell yourself you deserve this help because you are worth it, therese. Remember everything you tell them is in confidence and just between you and them.
I know you feel bad right now but part of the feeling bad is symptomatic of the illness. If you can get help it will in turn help you to feel a little less bad bit by bit. You need to build up your confidence and sense of self worth over time but you can do it. I never thought I wouldn't feel depressed or overwhelmed by everything and obsessed by food but here I am feeling a lot better and stronger because I used the help that was there for me.
Don't be afraid to approach eda. they're very good. They are staffed by people who have been through the same thing and recovered who can understand and help you. I always felt to lonely when I was ill but you're not alone as you said. A lot of the professionals who help have had the illnesses themselves in the past. The eating disorders association can put you in touch with a local support network or even a pen pal as someone you can write to who understands.
Take care therese.
Jude
x
Posted: 14/02/2006 at 14:14

therese the new and improved!

hi wel today i am still here.....i know the depression is part of starvation but i am not starving i eat like a horse but burn it all i have the full support of my g.p and am being seen by the top man in country for e.d's as well as a superby supportive nutritionist but all these people can do nothing for me because the nature of the illness is being alone and being in power alone. i have so many people standing beside me and willing me on and all i see is the weight and the disgust that surrounds that weight and the permission to eat if i run well and the disappointment and self repulsion if i eat because i know i need to and not because i deserve to ........what normal person thinks along these lines
Posted: 14/02/2006 at 16:27

Duck Girl

(((therese)))
depression comes with ED's, & it really does help when your body is looked after & properly fuelled.
The docs etc can't do everything, but they can give you advice based on experience of what has helped many other people. you will need to fight this yourself, but there are people who can help you.
of course you deserve to eat. you are a person. all people do.
Posted: 14/02/2006 at 16:47

ZEDED

DG's right but I guess you do not see yourself as a person of value. This stuff needs to be worked through therese. Eating sustains life -are you saying you don't deserve to live?
Posted: 14/02/2006 at 16:58

JoG

therese,

First of all, I'd just like to say that, as an anorexic sufferer myself (ex-sufferer now, but still choked by the noose of an ED), I can totally sympathise with the self-repulsion, the worthlessness and self-deprecation, the guilt of eating, the knowledge that it is all abnormal behaviour and the cry for help, for saviour from this vicious cycle that has full control over every aspect of life.

Surely this, and the fact that millions of people are also sufferers is an indication that you are not alone? And surely the positive expressions of many recovered anorexics (and many of those on this forum even!) are testament to the possibility of it happening to you (and me!) and the opportunity to live life as "normal" people?

What I am trying to say is DON'T GIVE UP.

I know that in the midst of depression it all seems doom and gloom, everything seems impossible, everything seems to be against you. But that's the thing - the key word is SEEMS. The doom and gloom is not real, the darkness and the impossibility are products of your brain, not actual reality.

I used to get depressed too - but I know it's my mind playing games on me, partly because of the chemical imbalances from the bad nutrition, but also you deprive yourself of any positive influences, as if you're not worth them. I suppose I'm handling it better now because I KNOW that it ISN'T all bad, I just THINK it's all bad. When you know it's all self-inflicted, you can train yourself to make the choice not to.

There's so much pleasure to be had in life, and it can be as simple as standing on the top of a hill and taking in a deep breath of air, or floating on water under warm sun, or even a gentle breeze of air on your face. And you, just like everyone, deserves to be happy. And no-matter how much help you have at hand, YOU need to make that choice for yourself, and ALLOW yourself to be happy.

I know, like you, that our behaviour is not normal. But I also know that I want to MAKE it normal. So, tomorrow I'm going to give the GP and EDA a call.

Come on, therese, lets join the "other" side, the "bright" side!
Posted: 14/02/2006 at 18:30

therese the new and improved!

i want to be normal and happy like i used to be...funny bolchy and completely open about everything....they have a bed for me in e.d.u in dublini supposed to be best in country but no exercise......not emaciated or anything in fact i look quite well so am afraid about muscle atrophy and fitness...what ye think, though in my heart i have an idea
Posted: 15/02/2006 at 18:05

ZEDED

go for it therese -please please. An opportunity to get YOU back (you are still there but blanketed with depression and fear I reckon). Exercise will come later and you'll be doing it more for fun and fitness.

good luck:O)
x
Posted: 15/02/2006 at 18:18

Duck Girl

therese - i think you should go in.
when i was in hospital then i couldn't stop exercising as a way to self-destruct.
after i was admitted i used to climb out of the laundry window so i could go running, and then when they found out about that i would still take every chance i could to exercise & burn calories.
it wasn't making me a better runner - actually i did long-term damage to joints & organs which still means i can't run so well now. on an inadequate calorie intake then exercise actually causes you to loose muscle as your body 'eats' your muscles for fuel. the heart's a muscle - you are risking serious permanent damage to that too, as well as osteoporosis (brittle bones, leading to repeated fractures). none of these things will help your running.

please go in to hospital. the longer you leave it, the worse the damage gets - both physically, and it makes your thinking patterns harder to change.

when you get out of hospital and get well, then you can start running again, and your fitness will come back up.
i did my first marathon three years after leaving hospital, but to be able to do that and enjoy it then i had to be able to take care of myself properly again.
Charlotte Dale, who i knew when i was in hospital, has recovered & is now at the World Class Potential programme in Twickenham.
But to run you do need to be fuelling yourself properly, otherwise you are just destroying your body, not building fitness.
Posted: 15/02/2006 at 18:46

Jude 77

therese
I think it would help you to go in. Yesterday I was so pleased to read about the help you are getting but I was worried that you were being toally open with them about how bad you were feeling as it felt that you should be an inpatient whilst you feel the way you do. If the epxerts think that it would help you to go to dublin then plase take the leap. Better to build on where you are now than wait until you do look less well.
As duck girl says, muscles can be rebuilt. Your life can't be put back together if you don't go and harm yourself. I know how frightening it is to think about these htings but I can tell you that you get through it.
I think it amazing that you can see that Dublin is a good option for you and are considering. Well done you.
good luck :-)
Jude
x

Posted: 16/02/2006 at 12:15

therese the new and improved!

thanks, thanks to you all. i cant describe the inherent sadness i have been feeling all week and though its so sad to see it, to know that there are others out there gripped by the same clutch of this disorder provides such salvation and relif, i dont mean to take pleasure from the problems of others but to know i am not all alone in my sadness is absolutely wonderful! thank ye
Posted: 17/02/2006 at 16:01

ZEDED

have you took up the offer therese?
Posted: 17/02/2006 at 16:03

Duck Girl

You aren't on your own.
In hospital you will be around other people who are going through the same thing.
it will be difficult, but you can help each other.
please get proper help.
Posted: 17/02/2006 at 21:34

therese the new and improved!

talked about it with mum and dad today and i think deep down in my own heart i wont recover fully from this unless i go, it might ease for a month or too but then something will cause me stress and i will start to look at my body again and start freaking out about the essential fat that covers me.....its so sad to see the awful trap i have locked myself into and i think that this is the only way out
Posted: 18/02/2006 at 22:28

Duck Girl

(((therese))) you are tackling this with a lot of courage & clarity. well done.

hospital should be somewhere safe for you go while you work on getting better, with people to help.
it will be scary & difficult at first, but please believe me, getting better is worth a try.
it will be a lot better for you physically & mentally if you can get yourself sorted out as soon as possible, & hospital should give you some space & time to do that.
Posted: 19/02/2006 at 14:59

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